Luckylettuce

A Race...Against Time

2012-01-23T13:57:00.000-08:00

How would you feel if you were training for an event or race that was never going to happen? Alternatively, how would you train if you knew there was a possibility that you may not be able to physically participate in or finish said event --say, a 5k or half marathon? Think about all that training you've done and still need to do...by yourself. Do you keep going? How do you push as hard when not in a team or say, paired up with a buddy? Do you still challenge yourself or give into the den of slack that your gym bag is sure to become? Overheard in Hollywood more than a Starbucks order, you ask yourself, "What's my motivation?"

This is where I am these days. After all the snark has left, the comparisons and self doubt, this mental and physical limbo remain. After the fibroid diagnosis, I continued on my normal path of exercise and weight loss. Sure I can't run as fast as some girls, but they're not carrying a tiny watermelon in their abdomen. I chose to try random gym classes, pilates and even boxing. At least 2 out of the 3 stuck with me. 6 months later I am 18 pounds lighter and just ran 11 miles last week by myself. That's a long time to have your feet hit the sidewalk and your thoughts jiggle around your brain! Never in a million years did I think I could maintain that time or distance alone but the reward is great.

I consulted with my doctor last week about impending surgery and have a consult with a surgeon tomorrow. With all the timing out of sync, the risk of not being able to run my half marathon in March still sits with me everyday. I noticed I let myself "relax" this weekend, aka wallow in self pity and it didn't do me any good. I'm sure the sleep was welcome, but I could sense that if I let a weekend go by, soon enough a week or two would go by before I ventured out to the gym again or hit the pavement for a run. I felt as if I was already acting bedridden. Unacceptable! I am the master of excuses and my dog is not big enough to eat my gym shoes. When your only motivating factor is yourself, it's kind of a shame to let yourself down in my opinion.

I get overwhelmed with the number of things I want to accomplish. I want to: fit into my jeans, run a faster mile, squat a heavier weight, jump rope for 1 minute, do a yoga handstand etc...that I lose sight of the umbrella I literally squat under. Well being. All of these fitness factors contribute to that one main goal. Regardless if I run my race or not, I have come far. I fear being bedridden after surgery and losing all that I have built up, but I know I'll be able to do it again. I may even go farther.

A friend once said to me that "We are challenged the greatest at the moments we can handle them." I hope this is true. I wake up these days and imagine myself longer, leaner, stronger and harnessing the capability to inspire others or just motivate my own butt out of bed. I try to remember these things during my workouts:

1) Be accountable. Whether it's a journal, blog, food or photo diary - record and be responsible for yourself and actions. You may not see all my food or pant sizes, but they are there for my reference!

2) Move. Want to run? Just start walking, you'll be amazed how soon you pick up the pace. Just the act of standing up is more than sitting!

3) Get over yourself. No matter how red your face gets while working out (I am totally self conscious), I think of the blush it will soon have when someone says how great you look.

4) Get your work out done early in the day. I'll force myself to go for a run before work or the gym and feel 100x better after. Then, the rest of my day is free from worry and sweat ;)

5) Be realistic with your goals and recognize your efforts. I won't fit into my jeans tomorrow, but I know I've stayed within my calories for today. Baby steps.

Rainy days and Sundays

2012-01-22T11:28:00.000-08:00

They don't always necessarily have to get you down, but this weekend I've been laying low. Back from sunny Florida into the deluge of rain and bay area wind, sports playoffs and the inevitable return to work, I've definitely decided to hunker down, batten down the hatches if you will.

I've also tried to listen to my body and mind and just make an effort to relax. The weeks gearing up to a trip are always stressful, especially for me. The pressures I put upon myself to look good, feel good and prepare for anything means it's a whirlwind before we leave, during & after. Travel itself exhausts me, and with only a day or two of "real" vacation on short trips, the return home means one thing: burnout.

I worked out a lot prior to our trip, running 4x that week, one run totaling 11 miles. That last mile really hurt. I had a weights class that Friday and made sure to put all the finishing touches on as any woman would: manicure, pedicure, hair cut, self-tanning, waxing etc, you name it. What, you don't do all that before a trip? ;-)

The rainy weekend is welcome. I ran 6 miles in the rain on Friday and pushed myself a bit too hard after not having ran for 5 days. My right ankle is a bit swollen with a mysterious "muscle dent" -- it's the only way I can describe it. I hope it's nothing terrible but it seems to be lingering.

I've been lying awake at night over thinking my impending surgery, the timeline of things, the possible closure of my company (hello, that means NO Cobra insurance continuation) and other side effects of putting my body through an operation. Thank you, internet, for making it IMPOSSIBLE for me to not have anxiety. Little sleep = lethargy. I've given myself permission to just do nothing this weekend. Cook, clean, nap, repeat.

One thing I haven't made in ages is clam chowder. Coming from New England, it's a comfort

food of mine in the winter, not just a Friday lunch special. I figured it was high time I made some. I like my chowder thick, full of veggies and with a kick. I opted to try to make this batch a bit lower calorie than the usual recipe with low sodium substitutes. I kept the half & half in, but I could easily use lowfat milk and get the same delicious flavor.

Rainy Day Clam Chowder

Ingredients

2 turkey bacon strips, diced

2 tbs butter

1 cup chopped onion

1/2 cup chopped celery

1/2 cup diced carrots (sometimes I use a handful of shredded)

1 can of mushrooms chopped, or 1/2 cup fresh baby bellas chopped

1 cup cubed red potatoes

1 can (6-1/2 ounces each) minced clams, undrained

1 can whole baby clams (save some of the juice)

1 cup reduced-sodium chicken broth (or veggie broth)

1/2 teaspoon dried thyme

1/4 teaspoon onion powder

1/2 teaspoon Old Bay seasoning

1/8 teaspoon white pepper

1-2 tablespoon all-purpose flour

1/2 tsb of hot sauce (I like Siracha)

1-1/2 cups fat-free half-and-half (or 2% low fat milk)

Salt, pepper to taste but you don't need much salt due to the bacon and broth - watch your sodium!

Directions

In a large nonstick saucepan or Dutch oven, cook butter, bacon and onion over medium heat until onions are tender. Add the celery, mushrooms and carrots and sauté a few minutes more. Add the potatoes, clams (with juice), broth, hot sauce and seasonings. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat; cover and simmer for about 15-20 minutes or until vegetables are tender. You may want to taste and add more clam juice to your desired taste.

In a small bowl, combine flour and half-and-half until smooth; stir into pot. If you're using milk, you may want to add some more flour (or a cornstarch slurry) to reach desired texture. I like a thick chowder personally. Bring to a boil; cook and stir for 5 minutes on low heat or until thickened. This makes about 4 decent sized servings.

Hungry Like the Wolf

2012-01-20T14:26:00.001-08:00

The Spartan likes to call this shot of me "Hungry Like the Wolf". I gotta admit, had I known I was going for a pseudo Duran Duran music video boat ride, I would have cranked up the glamour and maybe cracked a smile, but this was vacation. It was a chore just to put on mascara some days. A mere 3 full days also do NOT make a full vacation! Just when I began to unwind, it was time to pack up again. Le sigh.

Taken in Sarasota, FL, this boat ride was the wonderful surprise of the Spartan's old college roommate. With a time share and the ability to work from home, he graciously took us out on the bay and let us spend our last few hours on that side of the state on the water. I was enjoying myself -- contrary to the expression in the photo.

What this photo tells me is that I think too much. Maybe the sun was in my eyes, maybe I was sad the ride was ending, or maybe I was thinking "I've probably gained a million pounds. I won't be able to run for 5 whole days. Surely I will gain back all the weight I've ever lost and forget how to finish a mile without crying."

Thankfully, I came back to CA only 1.6 pounds heavier. I blame that on long periods of travel, salty plane food (can I get an amen if I NEVER see another pretzel or peanut again!) and vacation splurges. I made sure to eat breakfast at home the day of travel (high fiber muffin, egg whites, veggie sausage), packed water, trail mix, protein bars etc, but gave in a little on the plane. A little...A drink here, a drink there (Denver airport), microwave mac & cheese at 11pm EST at the hotel -- you see where this is going. Downhill.

For the most part of the trip, breakfast was home made and healthy, lunch was late and the biggest meal, leaving dinner open. I couldn't leave Florida without having key lime pie though. I almost licked the container. (I did actually.)

I took today off from work to finish errands and sort some medical schedules out. As I wrote before, I was diagnosed with a fibroid this past August. I went for my 6 month check up early January and did not get good news. As it turns out, my fibroid cluster has grown rapidly and is affecting surrounding organs (including my bladder - I feel borderline incontinent at 34!). The cluster can actually be felt through my stomach as it's on the outer uterine wall and well, any dreams of a flat stomach are out the window right now, no matter how much weight I try to lose. Laying on my stomach is becoming a problem and I don't see things getting any better symptom wise. The doctor recommended surgery for me.

This doesn't bode well with me since I hate the idea of going under the knife, but I need to feel better soon. Due to schedules and the risk of losing my job (and insurance), this surgery needs to happen sooner that later. It also means there is a very high chance I won't be able to do my half marathon at the end of March. I'm not dealing with any of this with a smile, but I've got my big girl pants on (and hey, they're loose!) and will take it day by day.

I managed to get a consult appointment with my surgeon this coming Tuesday, instead of mid February. This is a good thing. Deep down, I think I am leaning towards a hysterectomy. Simple removal of the fibroids isn't possible because of their number, size and location. The chance they can come back as well also play a factor. Facing the reality of losing an organ, the capability to bear children (even though I never thought I would have them anyway) and the loss of a main chunk of what, well, makes one a woman, has been interesting.

Until I know what lies ahead, what my surgery options are and when, I will continue to train as if I am going to run . I will keep going to boxing class, doing my weights and trying to maintain a level of health and strength for as long as I can. Recovery time for surgery is about 6 weeks, and that time frame does NOT even allow lifting a grocery bag, let alone working out. (cue panic attack now)

Now that I'm back to the grind again, I'm upping my water intake and looking into cutting out "white" carbs, eating more legumes and incorporating lean proteins like fish and chicken into my weekly meals. I find that for me, fake proteins or meats lead to indigestion sometimes and my body just functions better (and loses weight faster) with grilled chicken in my salad or salmon with my quinoa than a veggie burger or giant slab of tofu. I'm weary of soy these days since I tend to get more bloated (on top of a giant watermelon in my belly already!) after eating a substantial amount, so I'll limit my tofu munching too.

Another area I'm looking into is estrogen metabolism. Part of me has always felt I was hormonally imbalanced due to being on birth control pills for about 10 years. Some brands had worse side effects than others and I've always resented having to be on them. Don't get me wrong, they've cleared my skin, prevented pregnancy and eased my monthly friend, but they aren't natural.

Since being diagnosed with the fibroid though, I've been curious about their causes and how estrogen levels (which also affects weight loss) plays into that. More on that later...

On Training Solo

2012-01-08T16:26:00.000-08:00

Ah, a new year, new fitness goals. After my decadent one week pass at a different (not quite upscale) gym, it was back to the grind at 24 hour fitness -- where amenities are not just scarce, they are now non-existent. I refuse to pay for towel service, but on top of it, they took away the crappy free shampoo and conditioner and replaced it with foaming citrus soap. WTF? I swear, that chain is scraping the bottom of the barrel. I also realized I loathe co-ed steam rooms. Nothing says awkward like walking into a steam room with 6 men already chatting in their towels, as the woman in her bathing suit trying to get her sweat on quietly in the corner. I may have to cough up the extra dough to make my workout experience the glorious event it should be. A reward for getting your butt to the gym in the first place!

I really missed working out at an actual well-kept, amenities-o-plenty gym with respectful clientele this week. I pushed through my short runs, cardio intervals and a weights class but felt really worn down.

This weekend was one of major fitness accomplishments though. It sort of happened on its own, not planned originally since I took Friday off from working out and felt utterly exhausted. I decided to go back to boxing class after a two week holiday hiatus. There were two other women waiting at the front door when I showed up Saturday. One woman was exceptionally chatty, in full makeup and bragging about how "fit" she already was. I was rolling my eyes in the back of my mind.

The usual trainer wasn't there, so I wasn't sure what to expect that morning. I knew I just wanted that chick to shut up. She mentioned how she already took boot camp in the city during the week. Her cousin is a boxing coach in the East Bay, she already takes boxing classes and well, does bikram too! Imagine that! I just nodded and smiled.

We went over basic step work and arm work. After jumping rope for 7 minutes (which I am getting much better at), I never heard someone complain so much. The woman would not stop talking about how "hard" this was. Insert additional eye roll.
Next up on the agenda was a "fun cardio challenge" proposed by the trainer for getting our heart rate up. The goal was to do as many sets in 15 minutes as possible. A set included 5 modified pull-ups with resistance bands, 10 modified push-ups (working up to real ones) and 15 squats.

I barreled through the challenge and never wavered. I was told I had good formrepeatedlybythe trainer. I was neck and neck with the overly confidant chick. We both did 15 sets in 15 minutes amazingly, but its safe to say she cheated. These things annoy me. She had her friend mark her paper for her to avoid taking precious seconds away from her next move (we had to mark each time we did a set), she went half assed on the way down on squats (pun intended) and a few times (bc I was counting, I'm competitive what can I say) she did 13 squats instead of 15. Whatever you need to make yourself feel better, honey. I know in my heart, I kicked YOUR ASS that day. 150 push-ups and 225 squats is no joke. Then I went to the gym and did more ab work and free weights. I'm beginning to think I'm a masochist.

I woke up Sunday morning with a weight in my thighs I had never known before. I wished to be air-lifted out of bed and delivered breakfast. I could barely move. I knew it was bad for my muscles to just sit and do nothing though. They were reacting to the abundance of squats, build up of lactic acid and I needed to warm up. I skipped my long training run on Saturday bc from past experience, I know attempting to do anything major after boxing is asking for trouble. My body really takes a beating from that class. Don't let the pink gloves fool you.

I took last week off from the training run to give my legs a rest. I had done 9 miles on Christmas Eve and felt I deserved a break. Mile 10 was just lingering out there in the back of my mind all week. I'm going on vacation next weekend though, and there is a chance that this coming Saturday may not include a long run as well, so today was the day. Could I do 10 miles with rocks in my thighs? Would I be working them too much? I figured a long, slow run would be a good way to ease them into movement and burn some fat. I told myself, the minute I start to feel fatigued, stop. I've gotten better at listening to my body.

Training solo for a half marathon is really helping me figure out what my body can handle, and what it cannot. It's just as mental as it is physical. There is something comforting, meditative almost about these long runs I do. I don't run with a group, I don't have a running buddy or partner, I'm not on any forum and I'm ok with it. I actually enjoy it. It's MY time. I don't think about anything except where I'm going on foot, right now. How much farther can I take it, how beautiful is the weather, how strong do my legs feel and how much better my cardio conditioning has gotten. My lungs feel full and capable. My legs feel powerful and capable.

I am reminded of a little piece of inspiration I got at a yoga event this past September (right before I decided to do the half marathon). It was an "inspiration bowl" set up at a vendor booth. The idea was to write and put one in, pull one out. The token I pulled out was this about running.
I keep this in my gym bag to remind me of the capability I have and how lucky I am to use it. I ran by the water today in Emeryville. I warmed up with a .25mi walk and just, well, started. I told myself after 5 miles I would do a mental check-in and see how things were going. Mile 5 came and went. At mile 7 along the Bay Trail , I figured, It's only 3 more miles to 10. Just do it.

10 miles is pretty intimidating, especially by yourself. There's no one to cheer you on, brag to, or push you farther when you're tired -- just YOU. I have to thank the Scissor Sisters, Lady Gaga and Eminem for my personal soundtrack today, as their music definitely pushes me to continue. Even if it's just to the end of the song.

I double backed along East Shore State Park and pushed the last mile as hard as I could. Under 2 hours time, 10 miles done, I didn't die or keel over. I just pulled out a half-eaten protein bar and wiped the salt off my face.

I'm not the fastest runner, but I did it. A one minute walk after every mile helps me. My goal is to be faster than my first half marathon 6 years ago. I was 6 years younger and trained with a group but feel much more in control now. I have a lot going on in my life currently with job stuff (losing it), health stuff, general social awkwardness etc, and running seems to be the only thing right now that I can fall back on. Well, that and yoga, and boxing, and my weights class heh ;-).

The jeans I wore in Hollywood when I was 25 are not so far off, just gotta keep on pushing through my weight loss plateau I'm in and stick to my training. March 25th is still a long way off, but it will sneak up on me I feel. Whew.

Holiday Meal Hankering: Kapusta

2011-12-13T14:45:00.001-08:00

The other day I had a hankering for some old flavors of home. "Kapusta" is a Polish/Ukranian/Russian dish in many variations, that is basically a cabbage and sauerkraut dish with occassional meat added to it. My mother made it EVERY year, for Christmas eve, Easter and my brother's birthday, since it was his favorite. Being away from home for the holidays has me missing old family traditions and recipes, and this one, after many years of attempts at tweaking my Mom's recipe--has finally reached a pinnacle of "just like Mom's" to me.

I make mine a little healthier and usually omit the kielbasa or bacon, but if you're feeling decadent or not a vegetarian, it DEFINITELY adds flavor. My mother would also use wild,dried mushrooms, along with some of the water saved from reconstituting the mushrooms for added flavor.

This dish is also one of my favorite low cal, low carb, diet friendly dishes. It makes a huge batch and leaves me something to pick at in the fridge or a lunch side dish for a few days. I recently passed it on to a friend and I hope he makes it and likes it as much as I do! I know it takes a special person to appreciate the tang of a good cabbage and kraut dish, heh.

INGREDIENTS:
1-2 tbs Olive oil
2-3 tablespoons butter (I use Earth Balance or Smart Balance) - this keeps it creamy and moist, so don't skimp
1 tbs sugar (or a packet of splenda)
2-3 bay leaves
1 large yellow onion, chopped
1 can of mushrooms (if you're lazy) chopped, or 1 package of fresh crimini mushrooms chopped (optional)
1/2 cup of sugar free ketchup (or you can use a small can of tomato paste)
1/2 large head green cabbage, chopped
1 large can or jar sauerkraut -RINSED
1 can of tomatoes, chopped - drained (this is optional. My mother only used ketchup or tomato paste for a bit of sugar and balanced acidity and tomato flavor. If you like tomatoes a lot, or want more texture, throw in the canned tomatoes, but I usually don't)
1/2 cup shredded carrots (optional)
4 slices bacon (this is optional. It adds flavor, but also fat, so I opt out of it, but you can also try turkey bacon slices)
1 pounds lean turkey kielbasa (or you can substitute chicken apple sausage) *This is also optional if you want it vegetarian.
salt and pepper, to taste
1-2 cloves chopped garlic, to taste

**This can be made on a stove top in a dutch oven, stirred every 15 minutes or so, or baked in an oven at 350 for about 30-40 minutes, stirred every so often as well.

The How-To:

1. Chop the mushrooms, onions and bacon.
2. In a medium size pot with the butter, add a tbs-2 of olive oil (so you don't burn the butter) saute the mushrooms, onions and bacon on medium heat until the onions are a golden color.
3. Add the bay leaves (remember to take them out at the end), salt, pepper and garlic. Saute another few minutes, but watch you don't overcook or burn the garlic
4. Shred the cabbage. Add to the pot with carrots and cover.
5. Cut the kielbasa into small slices (about 1/4 -1/2 inch thick, like little coins) and add to the pot. This is usually already cooked, so you want it to finish cooking in the pot. Alternatively, you can also brown it first separately, set it aside and then throw it in at the end, which I do. I like the browned crispy flavor, but that's me.
6. Lower the heat to medium low and cook until the cabbage starts to get limp (about 15 minutes give or take.)
7. Add the sauerkraut. (If you are a major vinegar fan, add sauerkraut without rinsing, otherwise RINSE it. This makes it less harsh and sour/ tangy.)
8. Add the sugar - this balances the acidity of the sauerkraut.
9. Add the ketchup or can of tomato paste. I might reserve some at first, (half first, half towards the last part of cooking) until you reach a flavor balance you like. You don't want it tasting like a tomato sauce or covering up the actual cabbage/kraut flavor. I think it gives the dish a nice orange/red color and really boosts the flavor. Then again, you don't want a strictly tangy sour dish either.
10. Stir often. This dish likes to get browned very quickly on the bottom so don't leave it alone for too long. Whole cooking time is about 40 minutes.

This makes a LOT, so it's actually very tasty the next day too, when i like it best. You could easily get 6-8 servings of out this batch. I did all the saute and stirring action on top, and then baked it in the oven for about 30 min, stirring it every 10-15 or so.

Still going...

2011-12-01T14:34:00.000-08:00

My, where has the time gone. Before I knew it, it was November and Thanksgiving and then bam! zoom! pop! It's December 1st. What's that saying, rabbit rabbit rabbit, people say? Well, I don't feel very rabbit- like, more like a tortoise these days, I say.

Work has me buried during the days as the end of the year is pretty hectic for development & communications. I've had a few temper tantrums and borderline breakdowns, but thankfully the hives only showed up once. Throw a micromanager into the mix who's not even IN the same office as me, and well, I sort of have been feeling very stabby lately. That's really not the holiday spirit, is it now... I should be happy to still be employed. It doesn't mean I have to like work.

I'm working on it though. I've been pretty much working on me all fall. I tend to hibernate during the holidays even though it's supposed to be the social season. I just haven't been feeling very social lately and have had a ton on my mind. Family, finances and physical things keep me awake at night or force my mind to wander during the day.

I'm proud to say I've stuck to my training for the "bettering of myself campaign" and the half marathon in March. That alone is a pretty big time suckage. Running 3-4 times a week, a weights class, a yoga class, a boxing class (guess who owns hot pink boxing gloves?) and a long ass run on Saturdays doesn't leave me much time for boozin' or bitchin' or stitchin' it up with friends. I find that if I'm asked to hang out, I will if schedule permits, but I haven't really attempted to make plans with people. I feel bad and I don't.

I'm working on me and being selfish, I admit it. I'm also struggling a bit financially and well, this whole surgery/fibroid business has my stomach in knots, literally. Every day I can feel it. Sometimes more, sometimes less. It's both a scary and motivating factor. Just when I try to get in the best shape of my life, I have to think about a hospital stay and possible MONTH long recovery time of no heavy lifting or working out or gasp! Sex.

When I lie down, I feel like my body hates me. I can't relax anymore. I pulled a muscle in my chest (funky chest work!) and it started to give me heart palpitations -- the kind of flutter you get with anxiety usually. This does not bode well with someone who gets anxiety attacks as it is. Imagine feeling like you're having a tiny heart attack, oh, for about a week straight. I try to not push my body too hard, but at the same time, I want to say "screw you" to the tightness, the fibroid, the heavy feeling legs and impending headaches. Strength in the face of adversity, I say!

Sometimes I do push a bit too hard though. Recent lesson learned: don't try to do crow pose on a belly full of udon noodles. It won't feel good. But I'm learning. I'm trying to grow my upper body

strength as well as to not have that heavy feeling in my legs when I run. It's just something I can't grasp yet. I try not to get frustrated, but I'm sure I'm leaps and bounds ahead of where I was in July. Practice doesn't necessarily make perfect, and perfect is the enemy of good. I keep trying to remind myself of this.

I also have to remind myself that I ran a 5k on Thanksgiving and then proceeded to run almost 6 miles on my own through the streets of Oakland on Saturday. These things let me know that I am changing. And that I'm a pretty brave/bad ass muthafucker when I want to be.

Footloose and Fancy Free

2011-11-16T09:43:00.000-08:00

This weekend I worked out really hard. I did my runs at the gym like a good egg all week and took a body pump class. I was feeling pretty spent after 4 days straight of it, so I took Friday off to go to a yoga class. I had the pleasure of working from home since it was a rainy Veteran's Day and everyone else took the day off. Thankfully, web and graphics work can be done from my couch.

I braved the cold for my first yoga class at Barefoot Movement in Oakland and rewarded myself with a vat of pho after. Mmm, warm noodly broth goodness and lots of spice. Class was an hour long and only 3 of us. I've had the luxury of almost private classes for the last few I've taken. I like the special attention and help with my form. It was a level one class and basically just helped me stretch out, nothing too strenuous.

Saturday, I was to embark on yet another new journey - a boxing class. I have a coupon for one week's worth of classes. I hope to make 3 out of the 6 this week, but honestly it may only be two. I had no idea what to expect, and it KILLED me.

I walked into the gym --a real boxing gym mind you-- in Oakland with real pro boxers who train you. We're talking, you're going to eat thunder and crap lightning training. A boxing ring, minimal equipment, the smell of rubber and sweat (not unlike some clubs I've been to) and a small patch of floor for cardio or free form exercises.

They were the NICEST guys though! However, I never knew a jump rope would be my worst enemy, and I never knew (well, sort of) that a 1lb weight held out, or above you or to your side in repeated 15-30 sec intervals really makes you feel the burn. I sweat RIVERS before I even learned how to jab! I almost puked I worked out so hard, and that has never happened to me. I immediately felt like I was on the Biggest Loser for some reason or that I should bust out and do the Truffle Shuffle to earn my keep.

The goal before class is to jump rope for 15 minutes straight. 15 minutes. I challenge you, my friends, to try just jumping rope-not double time- for at least 3 minutes straight without stopping. I bet you can't do it. I sure as hell couldn't. But boy was my chest bouncing and my heart rate up!

A boxer's shape is the best you can be in, obviously to those guys. It is all endurance, strength and cardio. It's about constantly moving and defending yourself. I felt pretty bad ass. I also felt broken at the end of the class!

I was excited to go out and get some equipment of my own to work with though. I went to Sports Authority on Sunday and picked up some hand wraps (of course I won't forego fashion, see pic!), a jump rope to warm up with at home and some light gloves. Not sure if the gloves are right, but we'll see next class...

I had to run 5mi at the gym afterwards that same day, to get my long run in of the week. Oy. Needless to say, my calves were killing me, but I took Sunday off. I ran 2.5mi before work on Monday in my Vibrams, but I don't think it's wise for me to push myself to another class until later this week. I can't let my legs give out on me and my arches are still not fully recovered. I'm just amazed I actually left the house in the cold, before 7 am to RUN! On a Monday!

That being said, today before work I decided to run again. The Spartan is gone in Santa Barbara til Thursday, so I was able to go to bed obscenely early last night and not even drink wine! Shocking! I laced up my regular sneakers and headed out around 6 am. For the first time in my LIFE, I ran 3 mi straight. Granted it was not a fast run, but I didn't stop. Not once.

I am trying to gauge how I'll do in the 5k I'm running on Thanksgiving. It felt really good. I felt sort of dorky, but at least I had Brimley to cheer me on when I got home. Let's face it though, I can fart and he'll be excited to give me a high five. Just look at that face...

Comparison is the Devil

2011-11-07T09:55:00.001-08:00

Comparison is the gateway to depression, my yoga instructor said during our intimate 3 person class on Sunday night. This rang true deep into my brain and my core and it really couldn't have been said at a more proper moment.

I have spent the last few days really just holed up in my own brain again. I've been on a non-stop comparison roller coaster for no reason. I've been angry. Why can't I do this or that? Why isn't my relationship like this, or why don't I look like that by now? Why doesn't my boss do xyz for me?

Really, it's pretty ugly. I've been on the verge of tears periodically too, either from pride or frustration. These moments hit me randomly. For instance, in gym class I have the realization in the midst of a really heart-pounding-bust-your-ass-routine. You know the kind, where sweat is dripping off your face and you think your thighs are going to burst into flames because YES! you really do feel the burn so much, it hurts. I mean, it really hurts. Internally, I'm thinking, "God, what am I doing here? I'm still so out of shape. I've been doing this for months and a push up is still beyond my reach and these squats are killing me, but...but... I'm here." And I guess that's all that matters. I showed up and I'm doing the work that it takes.

That's one thing that is repeated in any yoga class I go to. You showed up. Congrats, you win a York peppermint patty. (I wish)

I did have to drag myself out of the house on a lazy Sunday after a long week and a hard Saturday workout. That's step 1 though: getting out the door. It's the hardest thing to do; and sometimes it will get easier at your final destination, or it won't. This weekend it didn't.

I rushed to class because my bus was late, no surprise there. I had been to this one class before in Berkeley. It's a heated power yoga studio, but they offered a "fundamental flow" which they now call "power yoga essentials" class--i.e. power yoga for dummies.

The teacher was really focused on form--which I need and I liked her so I decided to go back. Unfortunately the last time I took this class was months ago. I showed up exactly at 4pm and was the only one there. There we stood, mat to mat, face to face ( a couple of Silver Spoons) and just smiled at each other. The last time it was just me and an instructor, it was my first bikram class and an ex-military man in a Speedo showed up to bark orders at me. I started having PTSD until two more girls showed up a minute later. Phew.

We were a mix of gals. There was me, the pseudo newbie, but having basic experience, the other newbie, who just happened to be more flexible than me and then, the gymnast. See, I'm comparing already, and I can sense you rolling your eyes too.

We each got individual attention and I struggled through some of the most basic poses. It was like starting from scratch since my form has been off all this time. No one really bothered to fix me in previous classes and sometimes I just can't fix myself. I also never had the luxury of an almost private class where the teacher was really focused on ME.

While I sweat it out in repeated planks and cobras I could feel my triceps shake. I felt like no matter how much training I've done so far, I still have the piddly upper body strength of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. I mentioned my troubles with inversions and twists to her and she made an effort to really highlight those postures and alignments, which I appreciated. It still didn't make me feel any better though when I was the only one who couldn't grasp her hands around her back and legs together. Or when I couldn't do a handstand. Or when side twists made me hate my fibroid for blocking any comfortable way of moving my lower abdomen or rib cage over my thigh. I could feel tears welling up again. I could feel myself letting myself down...again.

While we went into bridge pose and all 3 of us girls were lined up by the wall, I would look over to my left and then to my right. These other girls were struggling a wee bit, but they got it. They were doing it. The teacher noticed. She also stopped me when I struggled and tried too hard to obtain a pose. Lower back issues be damned.

"You are here for you. Don't compare yourself to someone else. You are right where you need to be. Stop if it doesn't feel comfortable. That's not failure, that's learning about your limits at this moment, not forever. Don't look at anyone else," she said. I took it with a grain of salty sweat dripping down into my eye.

It just hit home. I was reminded again, that while I struggled with a 5.25 mi run on the treadmill this weekend, the same day the Spartan just decides to run an easy 5.4mi in almost half the time. Training for a half marathon again-- the right way-- is really hard. Not to mention it's been 6 years since my last one and my body has some choice words for me. A Thanksgiving 5k has my stomach tied in knots because I fear I'll be finishing with the grannies.

I need to get out of this funk and find what I am thankful for again. Holiday season is a time for me to hide from the world and focus on myself. I don't travel home and due to schedules, my relationship doesn't allow for fun getaways during this time either. Dysfunctional family issues aside, I need to re-wire my brain. I'm just having a hard time being appreciative or thankful lately, and it's not fair to myself or others.

I just laid there in savasana and tried my hardest to let go of it all on Sunday night. I was choking back tears and felt a bit defeated but I did my best. That's all one can ask of themselves on a daily basis. Tomorrow is another chance and a new day, I told myself. And that day is today.

Anxious

2011-11-02T14:24:00.000-07:00

I've been hiding. I haven't really tracked my food the last week or so, maybe 3 out of 7 days so I'm starting a clean slate today. I can honestly say it's probably because I've been allowing myself to eat things I know I shouldn't.

Even though I went vegetarian for a full week, I caved in to the craving of meat and got a bahn mi sandwich--two days in a row. Granted, one was after a 4.5 mile run, so I earned it, and carbs immediately after a long workout are better handled by one's body. The other one, and pizza twice in one week? Not so easily excused except for the fact we had Groupons. Sigh. Good thing I balance all the foodie ones with exercise ones that are stacking up against me right now. When will I find the time to box, do a month of yoga and a week at a strange gym? I think it's also safe for me and my tat to go back to bikram or at least heated yoga. I think my body definitely needs to stretch.

I can't really say what happened, because nothing happened. Work is sort of stressing me out and the Pres is basically ignoring me, so of course I read that as: I am going to get fired, but who knows...I continued with my workouts and gym classes like a good egg, straight through to the weekend. Sunday was going to be my day off, but since I knew Monday was Halloween, I figured why not try to run around the neighborhood instead of the treadmill for an easy jog. Well, that easy jog turned into half an hour of back killing doom. I started to feel very anxious about the half marathon I signed up for. If I was winded and hurting from a lousy 2.25mi around my neighborhood and the Pixar studios, how on EARTH was I going to run 13.1 miles? Ugh.Then of course I get all maudlin on myself and imagine I'll be the woman who DIES for no reason while running a half. I don't want to be that girl.

The treadmill is one thing, but concrete is another, especially for the shock it gives to my poor lower back. I had to return my new sexy running shoes because after 20 minutes on the treadmill they were crushing the big toe joints in both feet. They run a bit small and now I get to wait about 2 weeks until a new pair comes in. I really liked the Mizuno Inspire 7 and thank god Running Warehouse was so awesome and let me exchange them even after I wore them. They are truly my hero. That, and the fact they sell them for less than $100 makes me love them even more.

I had veggie deep dish pizza on Monday night, and while I didn't give out candy and have had only TWO (2!) pieces of Halloween candy thus far, I feel like I've let my carb guard down. A bahn mi here, some pizza there, rice with dinner, I feel bloated and will have probably gained this week. I can't let myself get caught in the "I ran, therefore I can eat" trap.

I took Mon and Tue off from the gym and running bc of needed rest and a migraine. I was just sort of down in the dumps yesterday. I forced myself to run today during lunch, and I am at least happy that I could run 33 minutes straight at an easier pace. My goal is to get to 45 minutes. 4 months ago, when I picked up running again, I could barely run for 4 minutes straight, let alone not feel like a potato sack was hanging off each ass cheek, so progress has been made.

During the week, I am doing an interval run, a short, "easy" run, 1 long run on the weekend and then a run with no walking to train. It's hard, and I'm not that fast. I just sort of feel like weight loss goals and running goals are still so very, very far off for me. Gotta do more, gotta be more.

Movement

2011-10-20T09:53:00.000-07:00

Things are moving. Things are happening. After 4 months of struggle in this weight "loss and live" journey -- I'm not losing all the time-- a kind word from my accounting manager helped me to stay motivated. "Whatever you're doing-- its working--our little office gym bunny", he said to me this morning. I said thanks and he told me, "No, it really shows!" Granted he's gay and has only been with us for a month, he's dubbed me the "girl who always goes to the gym". Ha! Who would have thought...I usually go in spurts, but this "spurt" has been strong since July. I have been feeling like this struggle has been another thankless job of mine, where I push and strive and bleed, sweat, cry etc, with no feeling of accomplishment or noticeable changes in my eyes.

I have forsaken lunches with friends for time on the treadmill. I have given up on happy hours for an hour of weights class. I have solitary Saturdays so I can run around lakes, do yoga or get errands done. I feel like a hermit, but at least I'm becoming a healthy one? I really have to struggle to find the ME that I like these days. And that means, well, spending more time with myself.

Things also just got very real. I am going to sign up for the Oakland half marathon that takes place in March 2012. Hello, 13.1 miles, we meet again. I did the SF half marathon in 2006, I figured it was high time I signed on for something else to make sure I didn't gain an extra layer during the upcoming winter season. Getting up these days to gym it before work in the dark has led to...no morning gym routines yet. I have no goals but to finish the half marathon -- maybe a little sooner than my first attempt at a half. It will still be a run/walk, though at a faster pace this time around. Hips don't fail me now! I can see many bags of frozen peas on knee caps in my future.

I can also see (slowly but surely) changes in my body. I have a long way to go, and 25 more pounds to lose -- which may be harder now that I am going to be training for a half marathon. Though I will be burning more calories, the hunger and carb monster will be knocking more at my belly door for nutrients and satisfaction. I've also challenged myself to go meatless 5 days a week. So far, so good. Knowing that I can have meat twice a week keeps the mental and physical cravings away for now, knowing it's still there if I want to have it.

I will be training on my own though. I will be running for myself, not in a group or for a charity and this scares me. Short runs are fine, but when you start thinking about 3 hour training runs in Oakland that must equal up to 10-11 miles, that's where things get sticky. Running that long on a treadmill is NOT an option in my mind. I'll have to get creative or do many loops around the Lake...we'll see. For now, that's a long way off and I have plenty of time to train. I'm doing Body Pump classes 2x a week, running 3-4 miles 2x a week, and trying to sneak in a yoga or pilates class at least once a week. Saturdays or Sundays depending on schedule will be my long, solo run days. Hopefully it will be good for the soul and soles.

Dear god, what have I gotten myself into?

2011-09-28T11:21:00.000-07:00

This week I'm a little torn, bc I'm a little tattered. Tatted?

I can't work out or sweat profusely for about a week, since I finally got my old tattoo of the zodiac sign for Cancer covered up. It's a beautiful koi as I mentioned, and I'm in love with her. It hurt like a bitch though. But really, what's two hours of pain for a lifetime of a reminder that I am strong enough? She even looks a little bitchy/pouty at certain angles, which I adore.

Because of its location, my foot was pretty swollen Monday and Tuesday. I have to pretty much lay off my ankle and keep the area clean, meaning no gym, no sweaty public areas, no immersion in a sauna/pool/steam room/tub etc, and certainly not a constant rush of blood flow to the area, aka running. :(

This week I fear I'll either gain or turn into mush. I haven't worked out out since Saturday, but did a hardcore (and embarrassing) cardio kickboxing class and ran 4 miles right after. To say my calves hated me is an understatement. I was pretty sore anyway for Sun and Mon, but really wanted to move my ass on Tuesday. Maybe tonight I can do some arm weights or planks or crunches?

The Stay-Puft foot has gone down a little bit and the tat is recovering nicely. The yellow and blue highlights I couldn't really see after the session are starting to blossom. My artist at Oaksterdam Tattoo did a really nice job. He also didn't seem bothered my incessant dropping of the F-bomb or my friend who came with to chat with me and take my mind of the searing, scorching, cat scratch pain being inflicted over and over again on my leg.

I had 3 drinks last night, but only ate half my dinner. See, I drank the rest of the my calories which I am always prone to do. It was my "splurge night" this week and I'm still well within my weekly allowance of points, with 34 points to use in the next two days. I think I'll be ok.

I've tried to drink more water, but have slacked on the fruit/veggies this week. I definitely upped my fiber intake and have eaten oatmeal twice this week, a major step for me since I hate the stuff and am not a" sweets" morning person. This morning I was a bit carb heavy with an egg, half a baked potato and my leftover crab cake from dinner, heh. Random, but I was starving and dug into my snacks by 10 am already! Jeeze. Hopefully the rest of the day I behave and chug my h20. Contemplating on going vegetarian for the month of October, but a trip to LA may do me in. I can't turn down In&Out, man!

Friday Fit-In

2011-09-23T14:28:00.000-07:00

It seems like the upper part of my body is finally starting to shed. I'm happy, but I wish my lower half would catch up or start. I'm not too thrilled about shrinking boobage, but I guess I can look at it as if I'm losing back fat! yeah! I know my bras are fitting better, and that's about it. The Spartan said it's just a casualty of war. The true test is putting on a pair of jeans though, and I'm not ready for that yet.

I weighed myself this morning and it appears (I'm being OPTIMISTIC - record this) that I lost a pound. Right now it's looking like 25 more pounds to go until goal weight. At this rate, it will be 2013 before that happens, but slow and steady, right? I still need to lose 1-2 pounds to get out of the range I've been in. Sigh.

I started running a little less and incorporating some more elliptical and weights into my routine to keep my legs guessing of what torture I'll shock them with. When I do run, I'm adding in intervals. It seems to be ok on my legs though yesterday I had to ice my left knee. Boo.

I slacked a bit on tracking this week for WW and wasn't eating terribly, but I know I probably had one too many servings of couscous here, or the wine on Wednesday etc, but I made due. I worked out a lot and decided against the humiliating pilates/TRX classes the rest of this week.

I am thinking of not continuing with WW, since it isn't offering me the level of weight loss I expected (1-2 lbs a week). 2.5 months on the program and I've BARELY lost 5 lbs. I'll probably start using My Fitness Pal again to track my daily calorie intake. I burn at least 400 cal every time I work out, sometimes up to 600, so my guess is, I'm still eating more than I should?

Breakfast today was an egg white scramble with scallions and some Trader Joe's reduced sodium turkey breast deli slices. For a snack, I had some greek yogurt (single serving) with peach and strawberries. Post work out, I had leftovers of Israeli cous cous with veggies, some string beans and about 3 oz of roast turkey. A mango for dessert. I've been drinking water all day, along with my serving of Benefiber. Tonight's dinner may be a salad and a glass of wine. I don't think that's a horrible day of food, but I'll calculate later.

During lunch today I did 45 min on the elliptical with intervals (boy, did level 12 kick my butt cheeks into high gear) and then some light weights and planks. Tonight after work I may do some stretching and some more tricep/bicep work incorporated with some yoga stretches.

Tomorrow is my big gym day (1 hour of cardio, some stretching, arm and leg weights and then the steam room) and maybe I get my tattoo! I have had this horrible zodiac symbol representing Cancer (I was born in July) and it looks like a 69. I've had it about 11 years and it's time to get the damn covered with something more pretty! I'm thinking a koi, bc represents perseverance in adversity and strength of purpose -- which is what I need! I think that would fit nicely swimming up my leg.

Annnd I'm back

2011-09-20T14:08:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back from a little hiatus to Lake Tahoe -- my very first time there after having lived in CA for almost 12 years. Crazy, I know. I expected that after 3 days of being a in car sitting on my ass, copious wine tasting in Placerville, drinking, eating large breakfasts and a REAL hamburger (the bun, red meat, fries and all) that I'd come home pounds heavier. No working out, more wine than I've allowed myself in a while and carbs. The result: I LOST A POUND. Pray tell, how on earth does that happen? It's not like I'm starving myself the other days...

I also see pics of myself and wonder, when did I become the Northface jacket/khaki short wearing/housewife bob sporting/small dog owner? See what I mean? Look at our faces. Both the dog and I are like, yeah, this is what we have become...and man do I need a tan.

I'm back to healthy eating though, and did a great yoga event on Saturday with Jen, a weights/cardio dvd at home on Sunday which kicked my ass (hello, lifting weights while in plank position) and then let the horror of the gym hit me on Monday morning (4 mi ran). I weighed this morning and I'm up 2 pounds on our fancy new body composition scale even. Oh yes, this beast and I will be frenemies for sure.

I have two social events this week, so I will be drinking those nights. Screw it. Dr. Oz says I can drink at least one glass a night, so I won't feel guilty. However, I will try to not drink the first week of October: 1-7. A nice 7 day break. I will also try my yeast free cleanse in October (after a trip to L.A.). We'll see if these things help or hinder me. I've been making sure to incorporate more veggies and even fruit daily, along with a multi-vitamin. Something has to kick in eventually. I even started drinking Benefiber packets since I am trying to lay off bread and heavy carbs, for chrissakes!

Also, I've just come back from a 30 min TRX/Bosu ball-hell-spitfire- evil-booty-burning class down the street from my office. It was supposed to be a kettle ball class with TRX, but perhaps upon seeing how wobbly I was just trying to stand with one foot in the strap, the masochist decided that a bosu ball would be better at inflicting despair, rage, humiliation and the like at me. I could barely do a squat on the ball. Or a lunge. Or a jump? Are you kidding me? At least one other person in the class, who I shall call Puddy--since he looked EXACTLY like the character on Seinfeld but is about 7 feet tall -- could barely grunt through a stability move himself. By the end of the 30 minutes, I was dripping sweat all over the bosu, the floor around me was wet, I was panting and felt utterly defeated.

I ate about a 1/4 cup of a great kale and chickpea salad (recipe below) with homemade dressing and am about to eat my Lean Cuisine lunch, washed down with about 23 oz of water. Prior to working out, I ate a banana and some Eating Right probiotic vanilla yogurt with some sunflower seeds an hour before. It looks great on paper, but not on the scale. I feel like I'm eating so healthily I could shit.

Kale and Chickpea Salad (vegan and gluten free!)

Ingredients:
1 large bunch of kale, stems and ribs removed, cut into tiny strips or chiffonade
1/2 cup of canned chickpeas, rinsed
1 roasted red pepper, diced
5 cherry or grape tomatoes halved
1/4 cup of diced red onion
a handful of shredded carrots (I like to keep a bag of pre-shredded carrots around to throw in random meals)
1-2 tbs of sunflower seeds or pine nuts

For the dressing:
1 tbs of good olive oil
1 tbs of apple cider vinegar
1 tbs of a good mustard (i used a spicy garlic but you can just use dijon)
1 tbs of honey or agave nectar
1 clove of garlic crushed
dash of lemon juice
salt and pepper to taste
chopped green onion (optional)

Rinse and spin dry the kale. Massage the kale with your hands for 1-2 minutes. This is key! Instead of cooking my kale or having raw, uber hard strips to chomp on, I massage it. It reduces the volume a bit and makes the leaves much easier to chew and digest because it's softer. Throw it in a bowl along with other veggies.

In a small bowl, whisk together (or shake up in a small jar) the dressing ingredients. Throw in with the veggies and kale, toss to combine and serve. It was even good the next day -- I go fairly light on the dressing.

Temper Tantrum is Over

2011-09-12T15:31:00.000-07:00

After my grumpy/angerball/crank fit/temper tantrum on Friday, I decided to skip the gym and work out at home. I had taken a pilates class in the afternoon and was ready to push through some more cardio after work, but decided against it. I did a 30 min "yoga with weights" workout I found in my on-demand viewing channel, so that was fun. Well, I use the term fun loosely. I sweat a lot and it involved some good stretches and some light weights. It wasn't easy, especially doing planks and lifting weights simultaneously, but I'm on a mission to get rid of back-fat-bra-overhang. BFBO? That doesn't sound nice.

I went to the gym again on Saturday morning and tried to let go of all the aggravation. I ran into the 3 Day Walk for the Cure women, so that was fun. Lots of pink ladies fluttering about. I puttered around Berkeley and just took it easy. I had me some alone time. Sure, life isn't about setbacks, but it's how you handle them. I guess I'm just one of those people who get to only lose .5 a week somehow, if that. Sigh.

I remained true to my WW tracking and am trying to pay more attention to my "healthy checks" now. I get in my minimum of 30 min of exercise, my liquids, my vitamins, my dairy and most of my fruits and veggies for the day. I eat a majority of my veggies at dinner. Maybe I need to incorporate more fruits and carrots into my afternoons to really get my consumption up?

My day usually consists of 1 of 3 breakfasts:

1) 3/4 cup of kashi heart to heart toasted oat cereal 3 pp

1/2 cup of unsweetened vanilla almond milk 1 pp

1 banana 0pp

2)Real egg products (from Costco) 1pp

Morningstar veggie sausage 2pp

1/4 avocado 2pp

3) Arnold Wheat Thin 3pp

Fried egg 2pp or Kirkland egg product 1

Slice of low fat cheddar 2pp

Occasionally I'll toss it up with some Kashi blueberry flax waffles or maybe a scramble with a ton of veggies. I drink some Crystal Light in the morning, then usually try to finish two 23oz bottle of Smart Water during the day at work. For a snack, I have a probiotic vanilla yogurt, (2pp) or some nuts (3-5pp) or some fruit....maybe a string cheese or a mango etc, something like that.

My lunches are either leftovers from dinner, a salad with beans, or a protein like 3oz of chicken with a ton of veggies. I use Trader Joe's goddess dressing, and only a tablespoon of it, it's got a pretty pungent flavor in my opinion.

Dinner is usually a protein with salad or a whole grain side and veggies. If I do pasta, it's brown rice or whole wheat. I have tried to stay away from white carbs at night. It's also usually a vegetarian meal since the Spartan is veg and if I make meat, I'll use it for lunch the next day too. It's too time consuming to make two meals most nights. We eat a lot of beans: lentils, black beans, chick peas, kidney beans you name it, along with tofu and some meat substitutes, but I don't eat a ton of those, bc they are still processed.

I also let myself have a glass of wine with dinner. I've cut that down from 2 glasses, but the temptation and the want is still there after a few weeks. I don't snack a ton after work since I'm usually at the gym, but if I do, it's crackers or some deli meat wrapped in lettuce etc... nothing too awful. I think I eat very healthily!

I was staying away from a lot of fruit for a bit bc I thought THAT was hindering my weight loss. Now I'm starting to wonder if I'm not eating enough? Am I eating too much of the wrong things? I let myself indulge this weekend though. I took off from the gym on Sunday, but I walked a ton in the city running errands. I had a gyro for lunch (on a real white bread pita!), some real full fat ice cream (gasp!) in the afternoon and drinks on the patio with a friend. Of course I weighed myself this morning and I'm up a pound. Not like I was surprised.

I emailed my doctor to possibly see an endocrinologist last week. She referred me to a weight management class at Kaiser. It was like a slap in the face. What with all the info Weight Watchers gives you, my healthy lifestyle as it is, my constant researching of particular diets, healthy substitutes and portions ingrained in my membrane, I feel like I'm going to go to this class and know everything they are going to suggest. I'm ready to switch careers and get into nutrition or healthcare! If I find anything new, I will be shocked. At least I'm getting my thyroid tested again. Good times...I think I have to fast for those tests, so maybe I'll lose something!

1 day at a time

2011-09-07T11:24:00.000-07:00

Oh, Valerie Bertinelli, I wish I could call upon you to be my personal life coach, but alas, I assume you're busy. She lost it and continues to succeed at being hot and middle aged, I hope I can wear a bikini with pride one day. I'm attempting something new today workout wise -- a pilates/barre class. I have no idea what to expect and I'm a bit worried, but we'll see. It's only a 30 min blast and the last session at this place was pretty rough (read: sweat my tatas off and thought my legs were on fire) for their core class, so I don't think this will be any easier. I hope it's not.

I ran yesterday at the gym for 25 min straight. Whew! That was a feat. All I kept telling myself was "one more minute, just one more minute", and of course repeated it 24 times. Hopefully, that can turn into "one more mile" but, baby steps. My couch to 5k program has helped me thus far, and I don't think running for 30 min straight will be that horrible. I'd just love to get my speed up. Right now I'm at a 12 minute mile, which is a wee bit better than when I trained for a half marathon 5 years ago, but still, I'd LOVE to be able to run an 11 or shit, even 10 minute mile. THAT would make me feel so proud and accomplished.

I treated myself to some falafel and fries at a veggie place in Berkeley last night. I felt immediately guilty but only ate half of my meal and a handful of fries. After they got cold they weren't that appetizing anymore anyway. I've almost gone through ALL my extra WW points this week and I'm scared to weigh in and see another gain this Friday. I told myself this week I'd really work it and try to lose those last 2 lbs to get out of my range, but I have this feeling it won't happen. I've been building muscle for sure, as I even scared myself earlier in the week not knowing WHAT it was that was hard and bulging out of my upper arm. I thought "great, can you get fibroids in your arm!?" No, it was a bicep. Go figure. I still have the arms of a truck driver though. I'll never be swan like.

I am also proud of myself for not pussy'ing out on a body pump class last night. I saw someone I knew at the gym. A girl that thinks pretty highly of herself and well, of course she's in great shape too. Thin, pretty, big tits, your basic nightmare ;-) Maybe I'm just jealous.

I was on the treadmill warming up when I saw her go into the classroom. I almost backed out. You see, I've seen her post some snarky things online re: some out of shape people in her workout classes, or uncoordinated people in her gym dance classes and it really stung. I'm like, that could be me! I felt like the fat kid in gym class who was going to be made fun of in her spandex and big arms who couldn't do a lunge or lift weights to save her life. It felt so junior high. I hated that feeling that came up and sat in my gut. Yes, even under all that chub I could feel that pressure.

But you know what? I said fuck it. I went in there, albeit in the back of the classroom and did my thing. I worked my ass off, and while I was not the best, the strongest, the thinnest or even most coordinated, I finished. I swore under my breath, I lifted to the beat, I had to plank out instead of doing push ups (just not there yet, kids) but I did it. And that was enough.

I've really been trying to not push too hard but push to limits I know I can handle. I'm trying to incorporate cardio, strength training and flexibility -- but not all everyday of course. No one wants to be a fatty fat, and I don't want to be skinny fat either. I can see some definition starting in places, but I'm impatient. I can't wait to go back to bikram with a new found leg strength and balance instead of being that sweaty asshole whose calf can't rest properly or who can't hug their knees to their chest bc their abundance of sweat and lack of motion is preventing them from doing so.

I know I've been slacking on the water intake which needs to change. You'd think my body was on a deserted island the way it retains it. I know I hold a lot of grudges, but my body likes to hold a lot of fat and liquid. And frankly, I'm quite tired of it.

UPDATE: holy.crap. Pilates is no joke. I think I'm going to need an oil can to move my joints the next time I get up from my desk. It's 2pm and I haven't even eaten lunch yet I'm so out of it. I don't know if it's because I've been running, but my hip joints hurt so incredibly bad in class today, I didn't know what to do.

We started with a lot of light weights at mid level height and slow resistance and ab work on the floor. That alone had all of us women sweating and moaning. Extending legs and scissors and weights and then the barre...muscles were moving that either were asleep for months or have been worked over too hard in the past few weeks. That 30 minutes was the most painful I've endured in a while.

Needless to say, this class at Body Fi was the hardest so far. Now I'm really scared about TRX/kettle ball training. I can only imagine being suspended in the air and trying to hold a kettle ball. Dear god, save me. And I've signed up for a Friday and Tuesday class to continue the torture.

Oh, and then I ran 2.5 mi at the gym. Kind of like running out the pain...I'm a fool.

Another aggravation

2011-09-02T09:53:00.000-07:00

It's beat myself up day! I went to the gym during lunch yesterday in SF and made it back in Oakland again after work for a 5:30 "Body Pump" class at 24 hour fitness. All I envisioned was Hanz & Franz telling me they were here to "pump me up!". It didn't sit well. Now, I have NEVER taken a group class at any gym, so this scared the crap out of me. It was a weights class too, and I had NO idea what to do or get for my personal area. I got there really early and saw people with steps, weight bars, free weights, you name it. It's like they had the entire gym with them by their mat. Oh, great, I thought. Here's where my legs or arms give out on me or I crush myself with a piddly 5 pound weight bar.

It wasn't that crowded, but I didn't really position myself in a place to see the instructor well enough. She didn't quite move to accommodate any newbies and surely didn't move from the left side of the room. Can we get center stage please? By this point, folks had their positions and I wasn't going to be THAT girl and just wriggle my ass in front of anyone or impose on their space.

It started with a warm up, all bar work. All dead lifts, biceps and shoulders. Not too bad, but I have the upper body strength of a Tyrannosaurus rex. I chose realllly light weights bc I was scared. Too light -- or so I thought.I added more weight when I could to the bar when we worked on legs and immediately regretted it. This class is all about reps, lunges and slow movement. To say I was feeling the burn is putting it mildly. That, and the fact that I was sticking my butt out to the men in the weight room next door (hello (gl)ass wall) made me miserable. I stuck it out though. By the end of class, after 60 min of many reps and light weights, my legs and arms were shaking. It's a challenge to bring a cup of water to mouth right now. I guess that's a good thing. I won't be picking up any Big Macs or pints of Guinness in the near future to my face.

I woke up early today and decided to get in some more cardio. After I weighed myself this morning, I gained a freaking half pound back. I REALLY thought I'd be out of the poundage range I've been stuck in forever by September, but I'm still 2 pounds away. After 2.5 months, things are really progressing slowly and it's getting me more upset each time I see a gain or lack of a loss. The scale keeps me honest and I'm measuring too - no loss in inches this week either. GAH!!

I'm going to work out AGAIN during lunch for a 30 min blast class and I'm thinking of going to a bikram class on Saturday to stretch out my muscles and my mind. I'm drinking water, cutting back on wine (though I still indulge some nights), I'm eating and not starving myself and letting myself have good fats without going overboard. I think it's time to make another appt with the doctor to get my thyroid or some levels checked, bc any normal human being would be losing weight with what I'm doing. My ob/gyn even told me that. I'm really not cheating and marking everything I eat, good or bad. Maybe for a week I need to JUST eat pre-packaged frozen meals so I absolutely know what calorie count or portion size I am eating, and just throw in extra vegetables.

The Spartan and I decided to put a 1 glass of wine maximum at night, if at all, so that should help. I have groupons to use up in September, so I feel like this month is going to be very antisocial on my end, what with no cash to spend and fitness classes to use up. I fear I'll be spending all my time in the gym, the yoga studio and our basement doing laundry. Ce la vie.

Wardrobe Malfunction

2011-09-01T14:00:00.000-07:00

I had an off day yesterday. It was a day off technically, but I also ate copious amounts of cheese squares, pepperoni slices, crackers and a few bites of an ice cream sandwich at a post-work event. Along with oh, 4 drinks over a 3 hour period. Pretty healthy dinner, right? I'm pretty sure I still have a few extra points to use up for my WW weekly allowance and it starts back up tomorrow, so I'm not in the red. I am a little upset with myself though, bc I really wanted to see myself out of this one ten pound range by Sept 2 weigh in, and I don't think it's going to happen bc of all that dairy and salt extravaganza. Although, last time I ate many grilled cheese bites, that week I lost 3 pounds.

I made it to the gym during lunch though, and I may try for a TRX class post work from my Groupon. I have to use it by September 16th anyway so I best get on it. I'm broke as a joke this week, so I can't afford any yoga classes til after pay day, which is in ten days. Everyone is in the office today so I couldn't do a "real" workout of mine, ie more than 45 min, so I just ran on the treadmill for 40 minutes and took the world's fastest shower. 3.5 mi done. 400 calories. I cranked it up with some intervals after the Couch to 5K session was done. If I don't do a 30 minute class, I'm tempted to go to the gym in Oakland for another workout. And no wine tonight.

Now, I wear my workout top to work sometimes, along with some fancy yoga pants (if there is such a thing) and bring a change of "work wear" to put on post shower. I did laundry last night and just grabbed a bra and t-shirt to bring. Apparently in the laundry, my bra closure decided to eat itself, whereas there is no clip to close said bra strap and one of the clasps has turned the other way and is bent. If I tried to put it on, I'd probably look like I'm wearing Boof's shirt from Teen Wolf after she makes out with Mr. Teen Wolf. I am now left to jiggly endlessly in a t-shirt and my jacket in a hot office au naturale.

And then I spied an extra sports bra under my desk. Thank god.

Most people have shoes or snacks or a Snuggie under there (well, I do too) but sometimes I gotta give myself credit for the foresight of boob malfunctions. I practically keep a whole pharmacy and extra set of make up, hair products, snacks, vitamins, tinctures, etc, whatever one might need in an office apocalypse. Thankfully, boulder holders fall into that category.

None of this would have mattered if I was just alone in the office like I am usually on a Thursday. Life. Always throwing curve balls.

Citrus Days

2011-08-30T10:55:00.000-07:00

I'd always been so fond of citrus fruits. In the past, lemons, oranges, that sultry tangelo, limes and tangerines were all flavors that my palette always took a fancy to. Don't get me started on greyhounds either, the elixir of the gods meshed with vodka and (hopefully) fresh grapefruit that always makes me smile. It's a refreshing mood lifter, and a grapefruit is usually something associated with sass, health and freshness -- until someone refers to said fruit as the approximate size of a (benign) mass that is growing in your uterus. Pass me another drink, I say.

After a routine exam a few weeks ago my doctor decided she "felt something down there", as I mentioned. After an ultrasound ruled out immediate death and dismemberment, I had the luxury of waiting a week, playing phone tag with various medical personnel and lingering questions attached to my doctors vague email telling me, "yes you have fibroids, let's set up a call to discuss". "Discussing" anything with a doctor is usually not pleasant nor simply about the weather or how great my bikini line looked that last exam.

It turns out I have a cluster of fibroids, about 4 inches in diameter, roughly the size of a grapefruit. I was kind of hoping for a mango or maybe one lemon sized, but this affliction decided to not be that simple. There is no neat or clean trimming of the lump from my lady cave. My doctor recommended that we wait and see, since we're not sure how long this growth has been there and if it will grow any further. It only causes me mild discomfort and doesn't distract from my daily routine, but it does dampen my dreams of having flat abs.

This junk in the trunk (or is it glove compartment?) is large enough to make a dent in me, the way I see it. It's not a cause as to why it's hard for me lose weight lately, but I bet I'd lose at least a pound if I got it removed, heh. I have the option of surgery, but we'll cross that bridge when it comes after my next ultrasound in January. It also brings to the forefront life decisions that I wasn't sure I was necessarily ready to make just yet, but that sort of were already made in my mind anyway. You see, I've never been one to pine for children. I don't even really like kids, never mind dreamt of actually having one (see, I almost typed 'owned' there instead, like I was going to get one off eBay when the time came anyway). I pull a total Samantha when I'm out in public or dining and there are kids in the establishment. I mean, the nerve to bring them in here...yeah, sometimes I'm that lady, but only if the children are actually seen AND heard, or misbehaving (which they usually are in greater metropolitan areas).

Due to the nature of this growth, the size and location, it wouldn't be an easy surgery per se. A myomectomy can be performed (where they just remove the mass and leave the uterus in tact) but I would have a chance of some major scar tissue. Let me tell you, some of the images I've seen from these surgeries make me squirm long and hard -not for the faint of heart. My doctor pretty flat out told me that I should "consider my future and desire for pregnancies" if I have surgery. Not only is there a chance fibroids come back, but a 2nd surgery to remove a new growth would probably ruin the environment for any childbearing.

It's one thing to decide for yourself if you want kids, it's another to have a professional TELL you, that chances are slim and "let's hope that grapefruit doesn't grow to a watermelon!" You know, because every girl wants to the be one who "carried a watermelon". I just get to carry a fruit instead of a baby, that's all. I'm ok with it, but it's not really something in the forefront of my mind everyday and it sure isn't pleasant to think about when the option is really taken away. Welcome to adulthood, life is hard. Decisions weigh more than they did 5, 10 years ago. And I do too.

Since my mother and I don't really speak and she hasn't visited a doctor in more than 25 years (we'll go into therapy later), I am also in the dark about my upcoming medical journey or what MY life will be like as a growing adult woman. Every day is a new adventure! Apparently my grandmother and great aunt had them, and my aunt also dealt with the issue mildly. It's not officially proven that fibroids are hereditary, but it predispositions you for them if your female relatives suffered from them.

I've been doing a lot of research on the subject obviously, as with any diagnosis the internet is a cruel bastion of sin and worst case scenarios. It gives me pause to reflect back on who I am, what I am made of and how I live my life. It also comforts me to know that there are many, many women (About 20% to 80% of women develop fibroids by the time they reach age 50) who have them, some knowingly, some have no symptoms or clues. It enrages me to read websites catering to bible thumpers who say that fibroids are caused by lifestyle choices, lack of faith in God or because of what ideals you truly believe in. Gimme a break. I just hope that other women out there know that is NOT the case. Just like gay marriage doesn't cause natural disasters, it sure as hell won't cause a tumor to grow inside of you.

Of course I sat there, and currently sit here with this lump in the love cave, ready for a surgeon or spelunker to divide up and conquer, but that day may or may not come. Until then, I get to become acquainted with this grapefruit. I get to feel it. Acknowledge it. Ask it questions, like "Are you full of all my self-hatred, self-consciousness and self-deprecation? Is that where I carry it? Is that what caused you?" or "Are you full of all that cheese I've eaten my entire life or is it red wine?"

Maybe it will be good to give up a part of myself. To science I say! Overnight stays in the hospital and get well cards and lots of bears could be in my future. Or not. Regardless, I get to spend the next few months thinking about my status as a women, my fertility, my body as it continues to challenge me daily and NOT play nice, and the citrus fruit inside of me. One thing's for sure, I won't be any less tart.

Not my finest week

2011-08-19T13:15:00.000-07:00

As I sit here grateful it's Friday, I am really just glad the week is over so I can start anew. It's been a doozy. And not only in the diet realm, but the real world as well.

As I mentioned, my boss was in town this week, for staff "strategic planning". You know, those meetings where the big wigs sit in a closed room all day to brainstorm your company's future and leave us lower level staff wondering if we'll have a job in the next 6 months...

I worked out Monday at the gym, but did not make it to bikram. I had too much to do at home to prep for the week and be on call for whatever my boss may need. I had no idea I would have to prepare so much. I am glad I took the time off, as I needed to do laundry, cook some food for lunches, just take some me time, and not get home at 9pm. I just wish I knew I wouldn't get another chance all week!

We had a staff dinner on Tuesday after work, and I sort of behaved. There were drinks involved, but I mainly ate meats and veggies, no starches/carbs or desserts. I think the dishes had a lot of salt though, and I felt super bloaty afterwards, no fun. I didn't get to work out at all that day.

Wednesday, I was awoken at 6:45 am by an unknown number from the midwest. I let it go to voicemail, but upon hearing it, my boss was apparently on her way to the ER, and her family from Missouri was calling me to find out what was happening. She was supposed to be on a plane flying home to Montana at 8 am. That wasn't happening, I can tell you.

Long story short, I am in the ER with my poor boss who has a horrible headache and vertigo and can barely function. I'm with her all day, getting Rx's, food, watching her and checking in on her in her hotel. I'm stressed. I have no gym time, and my lunch is a Chipotle steak salad which was probably 148,593,027 calories. And yes, I got guacamole. I even ate a BAGEL that morning from the hospital bc I was starved. I go home for the night after a long day in the city and am "on call" just in case she relapses in the night. It's early to rise the next day to check in on her again.

Wed. morning I hop on over to the city to her hotel (again, no gym), helping my boss maneuver in a strange city with no family or friends around. I am her nurse, sherpa and cook. She stays an extra night at a co-worker's home until she is rested enough to fly out for Friday. I do not work out again Thursday at all, no yoga, and I eat a lot of carbs during the day. Breakfast sandwich, pita pizza, lots of cheese, and wine when I get home...can we say easy stress food?

Today, my boss is on her way home, on the mend. I, on the other hand, had my own doctor's appointment in the early am, so no gym pre-work for me, or at lunch since I would be getting in late. I ate a ham/egg/cheese breakfast sandwich. Not the greatest, but I was starving. I go in for a routine check up and my doctor tells me she's found something. Something. It just hangs out there in the air, along with my pants. Not to be outdone, I guess my own body wanted some attention.

I'm sure it's nothing serious, and something women get all the time, but no one wants to hear "oh, there's definitely something in there, let's get you to radiology in the next week to see what it is". I told the bf that a woman doesn't want to hear a Doctor immediately say "Oh, there's something in there" while simply rubbing your uterus, unless you know it is a baby or a bag of dicks.

What a way to end the week. I won't sit here with visions of tumors in my body all weekend, but I certainly won't be relaxed until I know what it is. Tumors, fibroids, cysts, what have you. I have an ultrasound on Monday at least.

For lunch, I went and satisfied a craving I've been having for bahn mi (grilled pork Vietnamese sandwich - no dressing) and some potato chips. I said fuck it. I start anew today, as I get my WW points from scratch on Fridays. I'll try to work out tonight after work, but after 4 days off, it won't be pretty.

To top it all off, I gained a pound this week, and went down ZERO inches after another two weeks. Next week I'll go back to no carbs, no fruit and maybe lower my points plus total and see what happens. The ob/gyn also said that perhaps I should get my thyroid tested again, even though two years ago (when I had this same issue of not losing weight), my numbers were within the normal realm. Sigh.

Basically, I really feel like shit today, and I ate poorly to spite my body who doesn't seem to be doing so great anyway. Go me.

Love Seat

2011-08-15T14:19:00.000-07:00

Everyone, meet Q-Bert. He's my lovable bike. I've been neglected him, and have paid the price with a sore ass after this weekend. He rode with me to the gym and back on Saturday, and to brunch and back on Sunday. Maybe about 10mi total for both days, and my asscheeks feel it. I say that sometimes, I need a love seat for a bicycle seat, wouldn't that be nice?

It was really too nice of a weekend to sit on a bus. I went to the gym in downtown Oakland on Saturday rather than Berkeley to take advantage of the steam room they have there. I only made it to bikram once this week, due to weird ailments, schedules and pure laziness. I still wanted that sense of sweat and purging though, so I chose to be bold and go into the CO-ED wet area that the gym offers. Eek.

Now, I've been privy to old Asian women eating hoagies in the whirlpool and women blow drying their pubes in the locker room, but to sit in a co-ed steam room or sauna weirds me the F out. Back in the day, my gym had separate areas for men and women. Not here. I was always fearful of getting stuck in conversation mid sweat, or have a bathing suit malfunction or just plain exposure to nasty people (ie, men). Thankfully none of that happened. It was just me and two mostly hairy men post-workout. I sat on the far side of the steam room and just let the moisture fall off of me. Since the weight isn't, something must.

In attempt to be more active, I busted Q-Bert out. I'm not that comfortable in raging city traffic to these destinations I choose, and I'm always scared someone will jack my basket I have on Q, or ruin his luscious creamsicle paint job. I'm very protective of him, but having him sit behind the couch for months on end can't be good for his soul either.

I did a full hour of cardio, kicking it up a notch in the Couch25K program. I'm on week 5, where they start you with a 5 min warm up, run for 8 minutes, walk for 5, repeat. I'm a little worried, bc the next workout jumps to just running for 20 min straight, no breaks. I don't think I can do that just yet.

I think I need to incorporate more weights and less carbs into my routine. I'm going to lay off the fruit this week and finish up my Arnold thins/english muffins and just stick with veggies and protein for the most part. I'll allow myself quinoa once or twice but portion it out. I weighed myself today and saw that I was up 1 pound. $%#@!* Seriously. After working out this weekend and not really indulging THAT much (yes, there was wine and a pasta dinner)I am discouraged yet again at a gain.

Even though I dressed up on Saturday night and got many a compliment, "Oh, have you been working out? It shows." "Is that a new dress, looks great!", I still feel like the Michelin Man. And my measurements really haven't budged.

I've decided to cut my hair on Saturday though, as a "new me" revival (and to take less time getting ready or to/from the gym) to get things going. I hide behind my hair, but every time I try to get ready to "go out" these days, I end up looking like an extra on the Jersey Shore or just pull it back anyway. It's time for a change.

I just wish all this change and effort into making one's body and mind a better place to be didn't take so much damn time.

Time

2011-08-12T11:20:00.000-07:00

There just doesn't seem to be enough of it to go around. Or me. Although my pants beg to differ.

Another week, only .5lb down. I guess I won't be too upset. At least it's a loss, and not a gain. I expected more though. I only do measurements every two weeks, so next Friday I face the tape measure. A friend said I must be building lean muscle mass, and that I should celebrate. Pfft. Not really feeling it, especially when my clothes don't fit any different. I also accidentally bought a size medium hot pant for my hot yoga classes this weekend. They do not look pretty.

I had a good week workout wise, but I supposed it could have been better. Monday I went to the gym and bikram. Tuesday I ran 3.5 mi after work and had happy hour with the bf. Wed I took off, yesterday I gym'ed it during lunch after the chiro. I have not been doing a lot of weights, which I need to incorporate. I also need to use up a coupon for my trx/pilates studio classes this month. Where am I going to squeeze them in? I'll have to gym it in the morning and either use them during lunch or after work. Bikram may have to take a back seat for a bit. Also, since my ten day/ten class card is up, I have to consider paying $15 a class or joining another studio closer to home for 30 days with a deal...decisions decisions.

All of this "me time" is making the Spartan feel left out. He just doesn't understand that working a desk job across the bay from 9-5 on top of trying to squeeze a good hour workout (or 2) during a day is going to take TIME. Sacrifices are going to be made, but it's all for the greater good of ME and my sanity. I don't appreciate the guilt trips, but the activities I choose and when I choose them, seem to be working just fine for me.

Today I did an hour of cardio (30 elliptical intervals, 30 min on the treadmill). Tonight I'd like to try to get to bikram, but I am having this strange shoulder pain again and upper belly cramping. The idea of putting my face to my knee when my stomach is 1) in the way already and 2)cramping without cause, makes me dread the class. I don't know if I'll wait til the weekend to get in a class or not. Part of me wants to be lazy, part of me really wants to sweat out some water weight.

Speaking of, I've up'ed my water intake at least this week. I have a 34oz bottle I keep at my desk and aim to refill it at least twice during the work day. To some that may be a little, to others it may be a lot, but it's a big step for me. I can chug wine til there's no tomorrow, but yet, some days it's like pulling teeth to finish a glass of water. Go figure.

I have a Sunday brunch planned, so Saturday will be a full on gym day. Maybe a regular yoga class in the afternoon and a special tanning interlude to treat myself. We so rarely get to see the sun in Northern Ca during August, although it IS out today for a spell.

At least work is quiet today and I get to watch disc 2 of the Real Ghostbusters from NetFlix. Yeah, I'm a dork. It passes the time though and they're comforting.

Bikram Class #5

2011-08-09T09:48:00.000-07:00

I mustered up all the strength I could to get to Monday night's class. I guess I've now fallen into that group of "people who do bikram" that either you get, or you don't. Friends are either enthusiastic or scared for me. Maybe even inspired by me. Then, there are some who people don't understand the scheduling aspect of it all. Why it takes so long, to get there, to BE there, in the hot box, and then slowly but surely peel yourself off the wet mat and get home. Throw in the dependency of public transit, and well, you may not see me for a good 3-4 hours from start to finish. I don't care. It's time I have set aside for me, and I'm used to the grind of the bus stop. Sometimes I don't even know my name or where my locker is after class, I sure as hell would not run out willy nilly as fast as I could in wet hot pants catering to a dizzy spell just to shave a few minutes off my commute time.

This class was a doozy. I encountered my first chatty participant. Usually, folks come in, meditate, and mind their own bizness. Some people are there for community, some are of the ilk of "I'm not here to make friends". I'm sort of in the middle. I will chat with whomever strikes up a convo with me, but I like my me time, my down time before class. And that coveted spot by the back of the room, right by the door, away from the heaters.

I made the assumption after hearing the word "Groupon" several times at the front desk that there would be an influx of people. I knew that this would be a bigger class. Lots of new faces. Lots of lost faces. People coming in with no towels. No water. NO WATER?! Good grief, Charlie Brown. Do you even KNOW what you signed up for? Yes, girl with the big hoop earrings and $80 hot pants, I'm talking to you. Yes, you, woman in full make-up and an off the shoulder t-shirt a la Flashdance and long yoga pants. Who put you up to this? One has to wonder.

The room was a beast last night. Very humid. Lots of bodies. I love this particular teacher because she has a sense of humor at least. She's like a tiny little faerie in cute tiny coordinated outfits, who is both stern yet encouraging. She pushes you, but in a nice, soft voice. The voice that you almost feel bad insulting if you don't keep kick, kick, kicking up to the ceiling! She'll come around and help you adjust too. My elbows really like to stick out, almost as if my body subconsciously wants to fly away...far far away. I envision Lenny Kravitz himself would swoop down from the ceiling and carry me away if he could. Trust me, at certain points in class, I am screaming inside my brain "are you gonna go my way?!"

I find myself making ugly and mean faces at myself in the mirror. Angry faces. Faces of impending death, salty eyes mocking me with a tone of "why can't you do this, Lucky?" "Why can't you balance on your left leg like your well behaved right one?" "Why can't you do a simple pose like eagle yet?!" (Because if I could, I would surely start posing in some strange tantric sex book asap, that's why. Show off.)

Well, this is why they call it a practice. I am forever reminded. I am more content to try to balance on one knee and lock my leg, rather than even try to pull the other leg out in standing head to knee. Sometimes the teachers remind you of this, sometimes they do not. You're not supposed to or expected to get every pose in the class right off the bat. I was surprised, what with so many new bodies trying to wriggle themselves, force themselves into poses, the teacher said nothing. Maybe she was trying to weed out the not-so-serious ones. The fad fanatics. The ones who think they'll get the service of a body wrap in one sweaty 90 minute session and drop 5 pounds. Who knows.

A few women next to me watched me as I did not go into the full pose, but rather focused on just attaining balance and strength in my legs. That is step 1 of the 4 step process I've learned for the pose. I feel like a wuss doing it, but hey, my quads were screaming at me, I had probably ran 10 miles on those legs since last class and they were not feeling like the towers of power they needed to be for that pose. The women followed me and I could see their grimaces fade. Baby steps. Several people left the room this class. That never happens. Maybe one, maybe -- but they usually come back in. That class, people were running for their lives. Or a fan. Or AIR.

I had to sit out camel AGAIN. For some reason, at that moment in class, I get very lightheaded. The mere act of sitting up on my knees and looking backwards gives me tunnel vision. I'd love to earn that back and chest stretch, but it wasn't in the cards last night. I welcomed every single savasana though, no matter how soaked my towel was. I stuck it out though. I was close to tears once, but I survived.

I was cranky when I got home. A little exhausted. A little defensive. I ended up feeding myself a banana, had a glass of wine, watched some Tony Bourdain and went to bed. I didn't make it to the gym this morning, but I'm entering dangerous lunch time tide now if I don't head out soon. I had a chiro appointment today so I feel a bit bad leaving again, but honestly, I don't give a damn today.

Movin' Right Along...

2011-08-08T09:32:00.000-07:00

I had a semi-productive weekend. I woke up on Friday thinking, I'm going to do a double workout and really rock that bikram class tonight. I managed to run about 3.4 miles at the gym, get through my work day without much aggravation and caught the bus to bikram class around 6pm.

I find myself these days "locking the knee!" when I'm putting on pants, or taking off pants, or trying to wriggle into or out of something post gym. Let me tell you, trying to put on yoga pants when you're just out of the shower and in a rush to get to work is not an easy task.

The Spartan was a bit disappointed that we weren't going out on a Friday night. I opted for yoga and sweat instead of running around Oakland with friends and drinking. Who have I become? Someone who knows her boundaries and when I'll be able to stick with them or not. I knew if I went out at night, I'd drink too much, not make it to the gym on Saturday and then just hate myself even more. He gets out a bit earlier now on the weekends and is antsy to get out and be social. Unfortunately, that's just not where I am at the moment.

Class was good. I didn't rock it per se, but I did alright. I didn't do ALL the poses, and camel still evades me since my back is too tight and my dizziness won't subside. Maybe tonight I can try to overcome it? It will be quite the day when I can do it with ease.

This class I learned to not push myself. Instead of being down on what I could not accomplish, I just did what I could, no matter how little it was and it felt good. My balance still utterly sucks and I'm a little peeved at my body for not cooperating with me and gravity just yet. Oh well.

I made it to the gym on Saturday and had a good cardio/weights day. Only a hour, but I accomplished a lot. I walked around Berkeley afterwards, battling an impending headache, but it was too nice out to not roam. I ended up at an outdoorsy shop and bought a cute "running/active" skirt (skort?) for traipsing around town. I'm happy to say a medium fit, and when my legs are tan and toned, I think it will be quite cute.

Sunday was supposed to be my day off, but a friend invited me to her gym (at 7 AM) for my first TRX/Suspension training class. It was a beginner's class, but it kicked my ass and I was probably the sweatiest person there. Let me tell you, it really worked my arms -- my least toned and favorite body part. We did planks, ab work, balancing moves and I realized there was a lot of crossover for me to utilize in yoga as well. Just focusing on form and balance was priority 1 that class and it was a real eye opener to see what I am good at, and what I am not. I also learned that I HATE suspended planks. That which does not kill us...

Sunday night "date night" out was complete with pasta and a tiny shared crème brûlée with the Spartan. I even wore a dress. I felt so guilty eating bread, REAL bread, I had no idea what to do. I didn't push myself that day because my body was screaming NO! and I didn't even make it to bikram. I kept feeling this lingering headache in the background and my legs were too sore from TRX. I listened, and just rested the most of the day.

I didn't indulge too much and my meal was pescatarian, and dessert was split. We had wine though and I expected the scale to jump a few pounds this morning, but it didn't thankfully. I just hope I can lose 5 pounds this month to get out of my range, I really do. Goal for today is to keep drinking more water! Agua caliente!

And if you missed how coordinated and cute I am at 6:45 in the morning, here you go:

2011-08-05T11:45:00.000-07:00

Well, I've stuck to my goal of running at least 10-12 mi a week. Today I ran 3.3 mi at the gym this morning. I've gone to bikram yoga 3 times - kudos to me. I stayed within my weekly WW point allowance. Here we go: I'm up .5 lbs. Sigh. Technically I'm down according to WW, but I was .5lb less several days this week, since I was weighing myself more than usual and thought I would at least have gone down a full pound or two. Especially since one can lose that in a bikram class! I guess replenishing and turning all that water into wine is really doing me in. I'm like the reverse Jesus.

I guess what with my monthly friend, a lot of wine and some deep dish pizza this week, I should be lucky it was only .5. At least I *think I'm out of the 5 lb range that I keep creeping back into or staying within now, so I'll look on the bright side. All I want is a very simple goal of losing 5 lbs this month. It should be totally doable, and yet, it seems like it's going to take a LOT of effort to make it happen.

I hate how some people just start walking or drinking water etc and immediately lose like 3 lbs in a week. I'm sitting here guzzling my SmartWater like Steve Jobs, hamstrings aching from a run and dreading bikram tonight, planning for a 7:55 am TRX class Sunday and I'll be lucky if I come out ahead on Monday! God, what more do my fat cells need to SHRINK!?

I didn't have as active of a Thursday as I wanted to. In fact, it wasn't active at all. I worked from home, so I didn't go see my chiro. I also just couldn't afford another $60 this week. I drank a little too much wine on Wednesday, so getting up to go the gym on Thursday didn't happen. I had planned on going to yoga at 4:30, but I had to leave my house at 3:30 to catch the bus. Technically since I was still "on the clock" though at home, I knew it was a long shot. I'm just not thrilled with my job at the moment. Surprise surprise.

My main mission is losing weight though. That is my job. This job I have sustain right now allows me to gym it in the morning since it's close to the office. I don't have to be at my desk at 9am on the dot. I can take a 90 min lunch if I need to, or if I work out and there is a wait for the showers etc. I can go around the corner to see my chiro and take a 30 min break (just not leave for lunch that day then etc). I can leave early when no one else is in the office to go to yoga. A new job wouldn't allow me that, and right now, THOSE are my priorities. The rest will come in time I guess. It's also just very quiet here at the moment and I would like to take advantage of that.

I hate ending the week irritable again though, but with another .5 pseudo gain I just am. I did my measurements this week and I only lost an inch from my bust, which is NOT where I want to lose it! My legs look a bit more toned, but nothing is going down circumference-wise. That, and I'm already starting to freak out about Halloween costumes. Ugh! The bf said my butt was getting smaller last night. I don't necessarily need to lose my love seat either. It's all about my arms, belly and thighs. These things that rub. The wrong way.

I saw this video on another website and it got me thinking more about portion control. I guess I just have to really start watching it more. I'm not saying that's my issue, but at least I will make an effort to be more aware. I know I'm guilty of snacking so bites add up, but it's really scary to see how quickly accidental calories start adding up.

Game off

2011-08-04T15:53:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately my decision was made for me. I guess it serves me right for trying to skip out on work a little early for my health. Just as I was getting ready to leave, the boss called. And don't you hate those conversations that could totally be had on the phone, but the person just didn't want to type it all to you, so instead of waiting, they call you an hour before your day is supposed to end?

So yeah, because of a measly ten minute phone call, I couldn't catch my bus in time to get to bikram. Getting there too close to start time is a kiss of death. I like getting my space, clearing my mind and adjusting to the heat for a good 15 minutes at least. I already made plans for later this evening, so I could not take the 6:30 class either. I also just wasn't mentally prepared to take a later class anyway, as I'm tired already and didn't want to be hyped up and sweaty for hours after. Le sigh.

Tomorrow is another day.

Whino

2011-08-04T10:14:00.001-07:00

I am working from home today since I have to wait for UPS and I would have been the only person at the office anyway. It's prime time vacation/summer lull time, so I should take advantage of it, with little work and even smaller employee populations. It gives me more time to workout and do my own thing.

That being said, it's going to take a LOT of motivation to leave the house and attend my 4:30 bikram class. That in itself will be a 3 hour affair, since I have to leave at 3:30 to catch the bus, get there by 4 to claim my spot, meditate and prepare. Then catching the bus on the way home sopping wet on a bench is lovely. I truly have no desire right now to stand in a hot room, body tighter than a gnat's ass and judging myself in a mirror.

That's part of the class I hate. Staring at myself. You have to. No, you HAVE to, just to get your mind settled in, self awareness kicked up and the posture relatively as close to pose as you can muster. These things take time, especially when I am still having trouble breathing, and for some reason, the backs of my knee pits do NOT want to give way in this pose. I get a burning sensation like the back of my leg is trying to rip itself away from my knee pit and drag me to the fiery pits of hell for even TRYING to sit that way.

I also drank too much wine last night. The Spartan and I went out to for happy hour and thai food. I behaved on the food part, but not on the drink part. Then I got mouthy and we started to bicker in the car and the whole date night idea went to shit. I realize I have a hard time letting go of things, or holding grudges, let downs from the past. I am a master of emotional displacement and not speaking my mind truthfully regarding what I want or need. At least in a timely manner. Here's hoping this yoga practice helps bring that out, because it is a skill I desperately need help with.

And the sexiest body goes to...

2011-08-03T15:46:00.000-07:00

Seriously, Helen Mirren. You go...woman? Because she is NOT a girl. She is 66! And she is rocking it. And I am jealous.

3rd Time Was Not the Charm

2011-08-03T15:02:00.000-07:00

Well, I attempted my 3rd Bikram yoga class on Monday night after work. That class was by far the toughest. It's going to take a lot of will power and motivation to go to my 4th class tomorrow. They say that as a beginner you should aim to really use your first 10 classes in a month. Two more and I'm half way there. It seems so daunting. And it's not fun.

I found myself sitting out more than usual. Not sure if the room was hotter than normal (the teacher was opening the door a few times) or if I didn't hydrate enough (still working on that) or if I was just plain tired. Whatever it was, it was a real challenge to stay in that room, but I did. I attempted to get up several times to do poses, but I was just too dizzy. I could feel my vision caving in and the last thing I wanted to do was pass out in wet hot pants and a sports bra. It was brave enough as it was for me to take off my sopping wet tank top. It was a poor wardrobe choice on my part, as the thing only dragged me down to Mordor and clung to my skin in a most unflattering way.

When class ended, I managed to gather my belongings, or so I thought. I was very discombobulated. Disoriented after class. I walked into the wrong women's dressing room (they look identical, one on each side of the reception area) and had a panic attack because I saw the locker that I thought was mine, empty. I started opening every locker with my key -- which is not very assuring, knowing that your key can open ANY locker -- to see if I just forgot what locker I was in. Nope, they were all empty, and my belongings were nowhere to be found. I immediately went white, sat down, drank some water and had to take a time out. I got up, walked to the other dressing room and there was my stuff. Just goes to show, that this workout not only detoxifies your body, it may very well make you lose some brain cells. Watch them, as they slide off your forehead onto your mat...drip drip drip.

I took Tuesday off. My hormones had gotten the best of me. I had my chiro appt late morning and things seem to be going along well in that department. My lower back is not as tight as it used to be and I don't spend most of my days in mild or continual pain. The Spartan has also noticed I have more energy and am upbeat. That's a nice side affect from not being miserable or unable to walk/stand for more than 20 minutes because of pain.

I'm cracking much easier these days -- I assume that's a good thing? My neck is also giving way much easier to adjustments. Before I would freeze with fear or only get a little click from the doctor. This week it sounded like someone was tossing a deck of cards by my ears. Yikes.

I ran at the gym today during lunch, even though it's just me and Boss Lady at la oficina. I had to get out. I did a good 3.3 miles on the treadmill. I forgot to wear my heart monitor though, which sucked. I have found that the treadmills are pretty accurate and comparable to what my HRM says for calories burned, so I burned about 400. I just couldn't drag my ass out of bed this morning. Tomorrow is my double torture day. Gym in the am, chiro at lunch, and then hopefully I can leave work a little early to catch a 4:30 bikram class. I'm holding down the fort at my job.

I need to work more on weight training to help gain strength in my legs. I'm finding that standing one leg and then doing other things while on said leg, is pretty damn hard. I know I need to work more on my abs too. Maybe when my ovaries aren't playing volleyball I will.

This week so far I've racked up 27 activity points on WW. I'm still within my point allowance for the week too, although I did indulge in 2 small slices of deep dish veggie pizza last night (so worth it) and it looks like I'll be enjoying some wine and thai food tonight. Tues and Wed are like my new Sat and Sun since that's when the Spartan has it off. My "week" is up on Friday, so really I only have Thursday to behave fully and I'm still on track anyway.

I'm supposed to take measurements on Friday and weigh in. I don't feel lighter, and I sure hope some inches came off somewhere. If not, this continual "kicking it up a notch" is going to kick my ass.

By the way, did you know Miss Piggy had a workout album? I shit you not.

I Survived.

2011-08-01T14:29:00.000-07:00

I survived my first Bikram yoga class on Friday night. While it was a strange detour for the way I used to spend my Friday nights back in the day in the same area, it was a good challenge. Even though I ran at the gym earlier that morning, it didn't seem to affect my stamina. Cardio vs strength is an entirely different beast anyway. Both mentally and physically. While my lungs may have a good capacity, my thighs do not at the moment, to carry this body on one leg for more than a few seconds.

As the afternoon wore on, I found myself getting more nervous. Did I drink enough water? Was I going to pass out? Just how bad WAS this smell going to get? Shouldn't I be out doing something social, rather than locking myself in a smelly heated room for self torture watching someone else's back or crack sweat drip before me? Niagra Falls, people.

I only had to sit out a pose or 2, due to my back. I couldn't do all the poses, obviously, as a beginner. I'm there to regain my flexibility and strength. One just doesn't show up to Bikram and achieve everything (or anything) in the first class other than completion. A gold star to say, "you did it!"

The detox aspect of the whole practice is what appeals to me. I sweat a lot in general, but this kind of sweat, buckets pouring off your forehead while you try to touch said forehead to your knee sweat is a new experience for me. The post workout high is a bit different than say, one from running or a good elliptical work out too. I even felt a little discombobulated. I want to be able to do the things the teachers in hot pants can do. I don't need to be perfect, I just want good posture. The exercise was great for my back too.

After leaving the studio and walking through the "hip" part of town on a bustling Friday night, I was overwhelmed with the scent of booze, taquerias and perfume. Things were happening. Dates, shows, dinners, fights or flirting. And there I was, disgustingly sweaty, smelly, a 30-something year old woman in a baseball hat sans make-up walking down to the train station like a bag lady. Except my bags didn't hold any treats, just sopping wet gym clothes.

I felt a little weird. A little sad, a little glad. I was doing something for the bettering of me, and that's nothing to be ashamed of or disappointed in. I can't even tell you the last time I went out on a Friday night anyway! It was just the blatant polar opposite of me vs the rest of the neighborhood that was apparent that made me a bit self conscious. I'll get over it.

It took me a while to get home and I was pretty amped up, I could barely sleep that night. Sma let me know that I'd either have the best sleep of my life or I'd be pumped up til dawn. Of course, I reacted like the latter. I felt a buzz going through my entire body like I just shot straight coffee into my veins or someone slipped me some speed, heh. I had so much energy, I even took a class the next day in Oakland in the afternoon. That one was a little hotter, a little tougher and really made me second guess this whole idea. After class, I did not feel like I could conquer the world, rather, the world had begun to conquer me.

I'm going to try to go again tonight though, closer to home. We'll see how it goes. It's frustrating to want to do things and not be able to. I'll probably still be the "new kid" in class, but I like this studio a bit more. It's not as crowded, the carpet is a bit lighter and the room a bit airier, if that's even possible.

I did a quick 2.75 mi at the gym during lunch today. I didn't have time for anything else and I know it will be a long night if I do Bikram. Decisions decisions...

I also signed up for 12 boot camp classes close to home for the month of August. Most of which start at 6 or 7 am during the week. God help me. Between the gym, yoga and now these classes, if SOMETHING does not start happening to my body, I know there is a greater force against me here. And not even all the lettuce in the world can save me.

TGIFat. Fit. Friday?

2011-07-29T11:08:00.000-07:00

I took two days off from the gym on Wed/Thurs to let my legs rest. I think that was a good choice, since I did not feel as if I had rocks in my calves for most of my run. The first 20 minutes of a run really are awful for me. I'm miserable. I'm in pain. I feel slow, heavy and without a good pace. I feel like I have potato sacks hanging off of each ass cheek. I've always been this way, and it's a bit of a bummer to see things aren't changing...yet. Since I'm still starting out with running, I only try to run/walk for half an hour or 45 minutes. That means, at least half or more of my session is torture still. Yay.

Sometimes though, something clicks and it's usually a good song on the playlist (Girl Talk, any dance mixes, I had to call upon Rage Against the Machine today if that tells you anything) and my body just feels lighter and faster. That particular 3 or 5 minute running interval doesn't feel so bad. And then I see my heart rate is up to 175 and I better slow down. I ran for about 43 minutes today and did 3.14miles. I didn't do any extra work today because tonight after work and a chiro adjustment-- which I need badly-- I am going to my first bikram yoga class with Sma in San Francisco, in the bowels of the Mission.

I have done a few mildly heated yoga classes in the past. I'm not usually in favor of hot weather or temperatures, so a room that is raised to 104-5 degrees is kind of making me sweat... My first experience with heated yoga (maybe it was even Bikram) involved a studio near my house in Emeryville years ago. It has since closed, but I signed up for a 3 class deal. I showed up to my first class and it was just ME. Me and a very fit ex-marine in nothing but a banana hammock getting ready to teach me to BEND, bitches! Needless to say, it scared me to ever return. How I even survived that class, I do not know. It's all a blur of salty sweat, heart palpitations, awkward crevice shots and aching muscles. I just know I nearly passed out several times, and couldn't even really lie down since the teacher was practicing only for me (well, for himself too, but the pressure {and heat} was ON!!).

It's supposed to do wonders for you mentally and help strengthen your back or body all around. The heat helps loosen up muscles and I'm really looking forward to sweating it out like Billy Idol. My back is hoping to heal and not hurt from it.

In other news, I lost two pounds this week, which counts, but not really. I have been within the same f*cking 5 pound range for almost 2.5 months now. It's a bit ridiculous. I lose 3 lbs, I gain 2. I stay the same. I gain another 1. I lose 2. I lose 1. God, I just wish I could lose, and then keep losing...I would love to get out of this one range for good!! It's the pound range that I swore I would NEVER get back to after losing some weight back in LA. I'm not at my heaviest again, but teetering dangerously close to that number and I'd really love some more distance from that MF.

He's Got My Back. Literally.

2011-07-26T14:25:00.000-07:00

I worked out this morning again. Score for me! Today I did half an hour on the elliptical and burned about 250 calories. I then walked to the treadmill to start what I thought would be Day 1, Week 4 of the Couch to 5k program. It was a rocky start. I didn't know if I could run for 5 min straight yet. My shins have been hurting me, and my back was a little tight, so I wasn't too optimistic. That should have been warning #1. My gut.

As I started the session, things seemed ok but it was a struggle. Then, half way through my run my iPhone (aka, lord of all my communication and music) took a flying leap off the treadmill. O_o I must have snagged my arm on it mid-stride. I flung it right out of my ears and sent it happily on its way bouncing off the treadmill onto the floor. Thankfully a gym employee was right behind me and she picked it up. I smiled through my sweat and embarrassment and said thanks. That was sign #2. I just couldn't pick up where I left off. My heart rate monitor would be off now too. I had to stop the machine and start again, not remembering my mileage or cal burned. I chalked it up to a loss.

By my estimate I had already done 50 min of cardio and felt like it was good enough. I had a chiro appt today in the late morning, so I didn't want to be too sore for the rest of the day. I talked with my doctor about random odds and ends of pain, and how I have embarked on being more active, ie, working out and running more than I have in a long time. He asked me how old I was. I said, "I'm 34 and on a mission," to which he replied: "Being on a mission at 34 is much different than being on a mission at 24. 34 is wrought with perils, and you have to listen to your body and recognize the benefit of resting, vs the consequence of pushing and possible injuries."

Seems like a logical thought, right? It is. I have to remember to let my body recuperate when it needs to. My right hip was acting up (usually all ailments are on my left) and I always end up feeling a tightness in my back midday after I have done a heavy cardio work out. It's just so hard sometimes, when all you want to do is go! go! go! when suddenly you're body goes no! no! no!

I'll take the rest of the day off, maybe just do an easy elliptical routine or some weights tomorrow to give my legs and back a rest. I still want to work out 4-5 days a week, and the doc said it was ok. I'm just determined to start seeing results, and I can't picture that happening without really pushing myself ALL the time. I just don't want to hurt myself either or get burned out -- another worry the doctor brought up. That's why I try to get some variety into my routines, or do yoga, or run along the water etc. I still have a coupon to use for 8 TRX/pilates gym sessions near my office. Maybe that will be August's goals for me. I just feel kind of awash in goals vs realities right now.

Salad Days and Sleepless Nights

2011-07-22T13:01:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a long time. I've pretty much crawled into my Cancerian shell for the summer and am not sure I want to come out.

The past few weeks/months, have been a roller coaster of goals, successes, failures and obsession over weight loss or weight gain. It's been a bit of mindfuck, and even led to me cancelling my own birthday extravaganza. Why? Oh, hormones played a role, people are flakes and I just wasn't ready to be out and about at night, trying my best to actually feel comfortable in an outfit other than yoga pants or believe that I actually looked good. Wasn't going to happen. Rather than put myself through the torture of being the center of attention or compare myself to others on a night out in the city, I decided it was best to just lay low. I ended up going out with just one friend though, and the bf bc she refused to let me (or herself) sit at home on a Saturday night. I gymed it that day, and went tanning and was feeling pretty good, so I agreed. She caught me at a good moment. It all ended up being pretty fun anyway. The bell tolled and as I rung in my birthday I was happily wasted and dancing to Prince. I overindulged in the booze as usual, so I DID get to spend my birthday holed up. With a migraine. ALL DAY.

What a way to ring in 34. I knew going forward I didn't want this year to go by as others, feeling down or hard on myself. I wanted to LIVE this year up. I didn't want to hide in the summer or not go to tropical places bc I didn't want to wear a bathing suit. I didn't want to dread visits to Hollywood bc I felt older and older (and fatter) each time I walked the boulevard I used to strut down there so many times. I didn't want to even THINK of having to cancel another birthday or chance to get friends together, bc I so selfishly wanted to hide bc "nothing fit right". I know, crazy, right?

I had started tracking what I ate online again via My Fitness Pal in May. I was trying to stick to a 1200 cal/day diet. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't, but it helped put things into perspective of what I was eating, and what it contained. I accounted for booze too, and when calories got too high, it was salad for dinner.

I threw around the idea of going dairy or grain free or full on vegetarian for a while, but I know unless I'm really ready to commit, that wasn't going to be successful. With July being so full of parties and birthdays and social events, I was just setting myself up for failure, so I decided against it. I am still contemplating doing a yeast-free cleanse in August. Well, I have to, since I bought a $40 cleanse kit and I'm too broke now to waste that cash. I don't have an issue with yeast per se (for those wondering), but the symptoms seem to match what I have in terms of digestion issues, sinuses, headaches etc. I don't know if it's a crock of shit or not, since every one is already on the gluten-free bandwagon and a lot of these symptoms are the same, but I'll give it a go.

I've started to see a chiropractor for my back issues lately, to help me get back on track and work better with a renewed range of motion. I'll let you know how that turns out. It's pricey, but it's another step in my making progress towards taking care of myself.

I also take part in documenting what I eat, how I work out, and daily struggles/successes online via Facebook in a group with some other women. This sometimes helps and hurts me. I see other people's success and I get bitter. I get jealous. I see no improvement in my life even though I am making small changes every day. Other times, it is nice to have the camaraderie and support when I need it.

It's really hard for me not to compare myself though. I find that I need motivation and outside encouragement to succeed. Left to my own devices I fail. That's my argument with the bf when he asks why I bother with the gym, when there is a "whole world out there that I can run, walk, bike etc in". (He's just cheap and won't pay for a gym, but that's great for him.) I need to feel the energy of those around me, to push me, to get myself on track. I like going somewhere other than home, to ground myself, push myself and be around other people doing the same thing.

This month, I also re-joined Weight Watchers. God, even saying that makes me feel like a suburban housewife, but losing weight is COOL! I had been a member in 2009 and saw little success, but I blamed that on my so-so dedication and lack of discipline. This time, I wanted things to be different, but I'm just not getting that community feel or any success yet.

I'm also just not sure where I actually fit in anymore. Last time I joined WW, I pretty much kept to myself. I didn't blog a lot except to whine, and I never really viewed any of the community pages, outside of a success story here and there. I didn't talk about it with my friends, and I didn't join any message boards on the site. Maybe that's where I also failed?

In there now, I'm just a 30 something year old woman, who works full time, lives in a great metropolitan area, has a boyfriend and a dog with a beard and is trying to get healthy and fit into her wardrobe again.

I'm not married, over 40, under 30, I'm not a mom, I don't own my own business. I don't have that instant bonding with strangers in the "ready made" online groups. I don't have grand ambitions to be a yoga instructor, an all knowing foodie, celebrity top chef or supermodel, contrary to other CA stereotypes. I'm neither hipster nor gangster. I date a vegetarian, but I love me some Korean bbq, chicken or a good pork chop now and then. I'm sure cheese and I could break up for a while, but vegan just isn't in the cards for me either. So who is my buddy? Just me, myself and I. Buddy buddy buddy all up in your face.

Full restrictive diets aren't sustainable for me. That's why I rejoined WW. I thought, "This IS a way of eating/living, that can teach me portion control, nutrition and the importance of activity. It should work for me if I put my mind and body into it."

This week, I stayed within my points allowance. I went over my daily target occasionally but that's what your extra points are for and I spread mine out. I worked out 5 out of 7 days this week, which is a very big step for me. I ran a minimum of 2mi each on Sunday, Tues, Wed and Friday. I did a very hard yoga class on Thur, and I also incorporated more cardio with elliptical interval sessions and some mild weights. I took a yoga class on Sunday where I managed to do my very first handstand. That was a MAJOR accomplishment, both bred out of fear and determination. But it happened.

I've made a conscious effort to cut out my dairy and carb in-take in half, but choosing to eat a whole wheat or whole grain diet when the carbs do creep in.
I weighed myself today. I GAINED THREE POUNDS FROM LAST WEEK! What in the hell?! %^$@$^*(@#%%@!!!

I have heard that for some people with less to lose, the "Points Plus" system is not all it's cracked up to be. I have about 35 pounds to lose. Even then, I will still be at the higher end of the spectrum of what I should weigh at my height and age etc...contrary to skeptics who think there's no way I have 30 pounds to lose. I do, and I imagine my life will be much better because of it.

I hardly think 35 lbs is a little, but it feels like a lot to me and I think my efforts should be reflected. Currently, they are not, and I'm getting really discouraged again. I don't know what else I can be doing except for drinking more water? I don't indulge in a lot of fruit, even though they are 0 points. I have EITHER a banana in the morning, or 1/4 cantaloupe with some strawberries as a snack during lunch or midday. That's it! I fill up on salads, beans, quinoa, lean proteins etc and this is my reward?? There are nights I even forgo that glass or 2 of wine, people!!

I'm very frustrated today and really hope it's just my body adjusting and not the reality that maybe WW just isn't for me. Ugh. I'm stuck paying for 2 more months online, so I'll have to suck it up til then. Perhaps I'll measure myself when I get home and see that I've lost inches. I can laugh failure in the face and update this post with a "ha HA! I have lost! Just in inches not pounds!" but I will believe it when I see it. I took some measurements on May 31, so that is what I can compare myself to today.

It's just days like this that really upset me. I know Rome wasn't built in a day, and those two pants sizes didn't creep up on me overnight, so it won't take 1 week to fix things, but I've been "making an effort" for two months now, with very little to show for it. I just don't know what else to do or how else to feel but fat and pissed off.

Vegan Mac & Trees

2011-06-27T18:58:00.000-07:00

In the ever continuing quest for a dairy free survival, I managed to play around with another vegan mac & "cheese" recipe. It may have a lot of ingredients but I think that's key to taste. And I'm a spice whore. I've tried some pretty bland versions of this while out, and it's always a let down. This one turned out to have a great texture and taste! Who knew...

Vegan Mac and Trees

Ingredients:

2 tablespoons Earth Balance spread
1 tablespoon corn starch
1/4 cup almond milk
1.5 cups vegetable broth
1/4 cup tamari (or soy) sauce or Bragg's liquid aminos
1/2 can of canned squash or 1/2 package of frozen butternut squash (this is optional)
1 tablespoon garlic powder or a cube of frozen crushed garlic
1/2 tablespoon paprika
1/2 tablespoon turmeric
1/2 tablespoon mustard powder
1 teaspoon onion powder
Salt and pepper to taste
1/2 cup nutritional yeast
1 cup of frozen broccoli florets
2 cups dry brown rice elbow macaroni (I like Tinkyada brand)

For the topping:
2 tablespoons Earth Balance spread
1/2 cup panko breadcrumbs

The How-To

Preheat oven to 350°F.

Cook pasta according to directions.

In a medium size dutch oven, over low-medium heat, melt the Earth Balance spread. Add vegetable broth. Dissolve cornstarch with cold almond milk or substitute water, add to the sauce. Whisk into a smooth paste.

Add the frozen/canned squash. If using frozen, just stir enough until it heats up and incorporates into the sauce. I like this veggie, and it adds a bit of depth and creaminess to the pasta. If you don't like it, you can totally omit it.

Stir in tamari, garlic powder, paprika, turmeric, mustard powder, onion powder, salt and pepper.

Add nutritional yeast and mix until the sauce is smooth and creamy -- this could take a little more or less than half a cup.

In a casserole dish, layer the bottom with the frozen broccoli. Add cooked macaroni to the sauce and stir until all the pasta/brocc is coated evenly.

In a small saucepan, melt the Earth Balance spread and toss the breadcrumbs to coat. Top the macaroni with the breadcrumbs.
Bake for 30 minutes. I usually spray the top with a bit of Pam too.

Pace

2011-05-31T10:51:00.000-07:00

This weekend wasn't very productive, and that's alright. I was on doggie duty for most of Saturday and early Sunday since my lil guy decided he did not want to eat for a day and a half. I wish I could do that! His stomach was also giving speeches, similar to the kind mine do after eating too much cheese, so we both hung out at home until whatever his belly did not like passed through...I unfortunately had to be around for that fun as well. That dog can clear a room.

I puttered a lot and nibbled here and there. I didn't go to any crazy bbq's or get tempted with bad food. I snacked a lot, but nothing too terrible. I grilled a ton of chicken and veggies Sunday night, so that was my impromptu salute to Memorial Day. The weather wasn't really cooperating for sitting outside or standing by a grill for hours on end, so I hibernated. I still never feel like I get enough sleep though.

I made homemade chicken salad for some lunches, bought some fruit to snack on and placed an online order for probiotics and supplements I had run out of to really kick start the "losing lucky's extra lettuce" campaign. I just made that up. I'm sorry.

I'm still at only about 80% regarding tracking my food intake, but I'm getting there. It's better than I have been in a long time. I'm eating fruit again, but watching my sugar intake, and I keep forcing myself to envision those little baby carrots as something delicious and crunchy instead of as a poor substitute for a snack food. Working on it...

I did have a hamburger--on a BUN no less-- this weekend and immediately regretted it. I felt overly full and gluttonous. My sandwich thins may not be the most efficient sandwich protector, but they are only 100 cal and let me indulge in a bread product without it being too caloric or filling. I just wish they, and my love for tomato slices would reconcile, since the two will never marry with a good outcome. :/ I can at least say I didn't gorge on hamburger buns, hot dog buns, pizzas or any other snacks this holiday. Whew. Trust me, I can tear up some potato salad, but I knew not to even open that Pandora's box.

In other news, one of the women in one of the online support groups I'm in left the group this week. This made me sad, but a person knows themselves best and what they need to continue and thrive on for their own journey. It made me think though, am I or are we too obsessive about what we eat/do? IS it really a good thing to constantly track, photograph, write or think about food 24/7? Where is the line to draw when you find yourself in a competition of sorts, sometimes against yourself? It can be a great motivator, trust me, but it can also lead to self sabotage, which I'm great at too. Each person is different, and I think it takes a lot of brass tits (or balls) to recognize that trait in oneself and either stick with a situation or walk away from it gracefully.

I know I'm obsessed with food, and I know in order to lose weight, you NEED to be invested and aware of every single bite you put in your mouth. That's the only way to face the true activity of what is going on, both in and outside of yourself.

I'm also one of those annoying people online who like to post photos of food regardless of what I'm doing. No, I never take a bite first... Nothing is safe, if it's something I made and I am proud of it, something I bought or if it's somewhere I dined that struck a fancy with me, I just like to share it with people. Folks always have the choice to notice or ignore/block if its not something they care to see.

In one of our groups, we are constantly posting images of what we eat. This inspires me and I hope others to be more creative with their healthy food choices, but I can also see where a level of competitiveness would creep in. I don't think anyone is immune it, it's just how each person handles it.

It just made me take a step back and realize, that this journey is different for everyone. Becoming the healthy person inside of you is going to be a unique experience for every body. What may work for one, does not work for all. Some days you'll be up, some days you'll be down, and it may not coincide with everyone else's failures or successes. It's important to be aware of the influences and effects around you, as well as the energy you bring to both yourself and others.

And if you have an emotionally receptive dog to snuggle with too, all the better.

Sucking it In and Not Getting Take Out

2011-05-27T09:38:00.000-07:00

I'm ending the week on a crappy note since I gained 2 lbs since my last weigh in and it's making me mad. I'm not depressed this week, I'm just downright ANGRY. I'm snapping, lashing out and irritable. I've counted calories, I've gotten some activity in, I've made healthy choices, but yet again, I gain. Something isn't clicking.

I think June will have to have the big guns called in. No dairy, no booze. This is going to kill me, but July is my birthday month, and I'll see this is a gift to myself if anything good comes from it. Time to just suck it up.

I had a ton of vegetables in the fridge to use up and have been craving Chinese food lately. I barely use my steamer and felt that it was about time to dust it off and prepare some healthy goodness with it rather than get lazy or place an order this weekend to curb my craving. I think it's this gloomy weather that makes me want to curl up with some greasy goodness. MUST NOT GIVE IN!

I found some reasonably priced organic chicken from Trader Joes this week which I marinated for a few hours and voila, recipe below:

Spicy Mustard Chicken & Hoisin Vegetables

Ingredients:

2 chicken boneless, skinless chicken breasts
1 cup haricot verts (or just green beans)
1 cup broccolini, stems trimmed
1 cup of crimini or baby bella mushrooms quartered
1/4 - 1/2 cup of low sodium vegetable stock (or chicken)
2-4 cloves of garlic
dash of low sodium soy sauce or tamari
1 tbs peanut oil or canola oil
2 tbs fresh chopped green onions or scallions
1 tsp of sesame seeds

For the chicken marinade:

1/4 cup dijon mustard
1 tbs olive oil
1 tsp sesame oil
1 tbs honey or agave nectar
1 tbs of soy sauce or tamari
1 tbs Sriracha sauce (less or more depending on your heat preference)
1 pinch of cayenne pepper
1 tbs chopped garlic/scallions

For the hoisin sauce & veggies:

4 tablespoons hoisin sauce
1/2 cup vegetable broth
1 tablespoon rice vinegar
1 tablespoon sesame oil
1 tablespoon low-sodium soy sauce
1 tablespoon chopped garlic
1 teaspoon of grated fresh ginger
1 tablespoon mirin
1 tablespoon of corn starch (make sure to dissolve it in a splash of COLD water before adding to the mixture)

Prepare the chicken marinade by mixing all the ingredients in a bowl. Marinate the chicken at least 1-2 hours in the fridge. Overnight is best, but it's not necessary.

Remove the chicken and place in little sauce for the chicken to cook in. Simmer until cooked through on medium heat, covered. You can watch it to see if you need more stock, since the honey in the marinade makes the sauce stick a little in the pan. The stock keeps the chicken moist and helps with the steaming of the meat. Add a little here and there when you see the pan getting dry. This should take about 15-20 minutes, depending on the size of your chicken. You can also use a kitchen mallet or meat pounder and thin out your breasts so that they cook faster.

Prepare the vegetable hoisin sauce mix in a separate bowl by mixing all the ingredients. Steam the broccolini and beans in a steamer, about 6-8 minutes. You don't want the broccoli to get over cooked. Crunch is the name of the game here. I place my steamer on top of a wok, steam the veggies, remove them to a bowl and heat the wok up to saute the mushrooms next.

Once the wok is smokin', add the peanut oil. Toss in the mushrooms. Get a nice sear on them, browning them a bit, about 5 minutes. Add a dash of soy sauce once they start to let loose some of their moisture.

Once browned, throw in the steamed veggies and hoisin sauce mixture. Heat up enough so that all veggies are covered in the sauce and the sauce thickens. Remove from wok, throw veggies a bowl and top with fresh cut green onions and sesame seeds. Serve immediately with the cooked chicken.

The Cycle and Coping

2011-05-24T15:37:00.000-07:00

So much is going around these days. From random ailments, spring colds, body image issues, job issues, relationship woes and heart aches and pains, it seems like I am not alone in this cosmic feeling of what the fuck?

Cope
–verb (used without object)
1.to struggle or deal, especially on fairly even terms or with some degree of success (usually followed by with ): I will try to cope with his rudeness.
2.to face and deal with responsibilities, problems, or difficulties, especially successfully or in a calm or adequate manner: After his breakdown he couldn't cope any longer.

Interesting how the dictionary defines the verb cope as both "To struggle" AND "To Face and Deal" with certain situations. I think that's a bit contradictory, what about you? When I think of facing a problem, I think of facing it, accepting it, and pretty much confronting it head on, therefore, "dealing" with it.

I feel more attuned with the first definition these days. I'm struggling. I see coping as more of a process to handle a problem, and not a solution to the problem. That being said, it's impossible to simply cope for a day, or on one issue and be done with it. It's an ever evolving journey, especially to cope with oneself.

Today I felt a strange uncontrollable urge to eat. I didn't eat that terribly the night before, but I had some off-the-diet foods that made me feel guilty. I know two measly pieces of vegetable tempura and a few tablespoons of dip won't push me over into a new weight zone, but the fact it happened made me feel weird. Why was I still doing it, eating like that when I'm starting this journey to lose weight? Especially since I was sitting with some women at a table who were discussing their own weight insecurities and struggles.

This morning I made a healthy breakfast but proceeded to eat a rather caloric lunch. And I immediately felt bad. I even indulged in some chocolate, and I'm not that big of a sweet person. It was almost as if I was on "eater autopilot"...the same zombie like state I sometimes experience when I come home from work and immediately open the fridge to snack. I kind of just stand there like a deer in headlights and let my fingers do the walking all over the shelves into my mouth.

Am I ravenous? No. Do I sit and eat enormous portions of food? No. Do I secretly hide massive quantities of food or buy junk food? No. But lately, I have started to feel like an emotional binger.

I don't binge for hours or eat unusually large amounts of food like your typical binge/purge stereotype. I don't even purge. In fact, I hate puking. I literally try to maintain records of length between vomit sessions and I will avoid it at all costs, so there goes that quick fix. Also, who wants the popped blood vessels, messy make up and bad breath? Please.

But I'll sit here with a pit in my stomach, feeling bad for what I've just done. I am trying to keep a 1200 calorie limit per day, but I'm already over it, and I'm due to remain awake for at least another 7 hours. I'll surely go over my limit today. And you know what? I'll feel like crap knowing this.

It's like I came into work and ate to cope with my eating. Does that make sense? I just starting nibbling, eating some nuts, cherries, then a water, then some more nuts, a hard boiled egg...the list goes on. You can see what I mean by the foods I have chosen -- by any standard, those aren't bad food choices-- I've just been eating them a lot and a lot of them in my opinion.

I've been having random foot pain and my lower back is flaring up again. Being active around the city for a few hours was great on Saturday, but I had a book bag and ended the day with it being quite full of groceries and walking a few miles with that on my back. Knowing I'm getting older or experiencing the odd pains immediately puts me on edge. What do I have? Am I dying? What did I do? Is it my weight that is making me ACHE?

I think it is. But I'm struggling with it, instead of facing it, and I'm stuffing my face instead of coping with it!

Oy. And this the cycle.

New Directions

2011-05-23T10:10:00.000-07:00

It's Monday. We survived the Rapture, the SNL season finale, Oprah is ending this week and Lady Gaga broke the web with her Born This Way album release. I'd say we need some relief, don't you? It's all a bit too much to bear without coffee.

My allergies are pretty horrendous today and I found myself waking up with one eye glued shut. I'm sneezing less, so I assume my nearing maintenance in my allergy shots is helping.

I'm rounding up the last bits of dairy in the house to get my last "fix" but will make (yet again) a concerted effort to try to lay off the cheese for a bit. I've said this so many times. It's the same thing, over an over again, and yet, I have no self control. I unconsciously get cheese on a sandwich or end up buying it at the grocery store without even thinking. I'd like to see the effect it has on me for ten days to 14 days -- if only to help my sinuses. If it's not in the house, the easier it will be.

I'm trying to not immerse myself in too much diet/soul searching/recipe/health madness lately, but I get obsessive. I've really always been. It's bad enough I spend my days hating the way I feel about myself and thinking of ways to eat better, shop better, look & cook better; I watch cooking show or health shows in my free time and have now starting reading recipe books and other books based on dietary nutrition more so than ever. I've read Michael Pollan, I've read celebrity chef books, recipe books, online foodie blogs, health blogs, subscribe to health magazine e-newsletters etc, you'd think I'd be the healthiest person on the planet.

But I'm not. I need something that ties all this obsession together. I need focus. I need balance. Maybe that's what yoga will bring me once I dedicate myself to a practice that I can stick with. My mind is always a whirl.

It's too late for me to jump into an entirely different career in health I fear. I'm not a "people person" either. I had a brief daydream about getting into nutrition or really focusing on cooking and doing catering in my free time though. I'd have to get in some certification classes etc and all that jazz (liability, what a bore!) but it's a thought. I don't want to work in a restaurant, and culinary school is something I can still dream about, but it's not really a necessity to COOK. You just have to have the passion and desire to create wonderful, fulfilling and healthy meals for people. I love to eat them, but sometimes, I'm just a bit too lazy to cook, so even that passion isn't something I'm constantly motivated to do and carry out. A class here and there can also satiate the urge, which I've done.

This weekend though, I was exposed to something new. One of our tenants just graduated from the California Institute of Integral Studies for her Masters in a field of psychology on Sunday. I hadn't even heard of the school and popped onto their website to see what they offered. California, especially Northern CA, is infamous for out of the box/not your norm type of schooling. You can find a field of study or career path geared to you that is more spiritual, mental, holistic and drilled down to the most organic level of thinking here easier than anywhere else in my opinion. This is both a blessing and a curse, since you can really cater to almost any of your hobbies/interests and can feasibly build a paying job around it.

I found something there that piqued my interest. The "Integrative Health Studies Program". Here we have a program that is geared to those who have extensive experience in the health care field (like my friend Lea, who has been in Public Health for years) to those who would be happy just providing support to those in the health field and work in facilites that foster mind/body/spirit wholeness with health care. It's very interesting to me, and I'm upset I JUST missed the info session last week!

This sounds like a great program, where one can start their education in health or build upon an existing one. They focus on wellness and I'm seeing a lot of mentions of the word "coaching". Wellness coaching, if that doesn't sound California, I don't know what does, but if I can learn how to coach myself, I may just learn to help others.

I am going to keep an eye on this program, and perhaps it is something for me to think about next spring? I have a little flutter in my belly (that isn't hunger this time) and I'd like to follow it.

2011-05-22T21:28:00.000-07:00

Another weekend gone by and I'm still overly tired. One of these days I'll get back into the swing of things, get to the gym and yoga on a Saturday for a double fitness whammy and feel great. I did walk all over the streets of San Francisco on Saturday, after a lovely vegan brunch with some friends at Little Bird Cafe in the Tenderloin.

I have't walked up Ellis Street or through SF's loins in a long time. It could have been ages ago, where group scavenger hunts were still common and late night Thai food and dive bars I should have been more careful at were the norm. The good ole days. It's an entirely different experience on a bright weekend morning vs a Friday night. It saddened me a bit, walking past Glide Memorial Church and seeing the lines of people waiting for shelter that night. I had my walking shoes on so I was dodging crack heads left and right, watching drug deals and taking notes on all the wonderful ethnic groceries and eateries I have yet to experience.

I came home after a day of errands and grocery shopping to my little magic garden. It's the first time I haven't killed anything yet, and my 5 tomato plants seem to be actually enjoying their new home out in the front yard. The green beans are sprouting and my one zucchini plant seems to have come alive after our brief rain spell earlier this week.

It's nothing exciting or grand, but I did manange to pick some radishes from the patch and have them as a snack. It was quite satisfying. Pulling food from the yard. I'm no urban farmer, but this action wasn't possible in LA, or in a busy SF apartment. I can sun on my front porch with the dog, walk out when something actually grows and EAT IT. Sauteed sliced radishes with shallots, garlic and celery leaves was a pretty healthy and damn tasty snack, just off the cuff.

I went to Berkeley Bowl today and bought some fresh fruits and veggies for the week. I'm determined to track what I am eating and stay truthful. I had a craving for wakame salad today that I sated, and that was a snack, but I'm pretty sure any salad drenched in sesame oil is not low fat/low calorie :/. Even if it is seaweed.

I planned ahead for my meals, created some fruit salads for taking to work and thought of my lunches to keep me from spending money out or going over my fat/calorie limit. Tonight I made a great vegan dinner of hoisin mustard tofu lettuce wraps from the book, Appetite for Reduction. I'm sipping some wine (in my daily calorie allowance), and feeling ready to really embark on this weight loss journey. I'm noticing I don't feel so guilty taking baby steps vs giant steps or successes in this diet, bc any action made towards the greater good of my well being is a good thing.

It's one small step for man, and one more step towards losing my behind.

2011-05-18T10:31:00.000-07:00

Today I feel it...this belly. It's not bringing me good fortune or good luck either. I've got a white, clingy (though very comfortable) shirt on and you can see my hemispheres divided by the band in my black yoga pants. The big boss is out today, and I was out late last night, so I took the quickest shower in the world, put on some comfy clothes and made it to work in one piece. For working in the financial district, I am a disgrace. I just read an article somewhere about San Francisco really having no fashion anymore, and I feel like I'm a prime example. I have about 10 pairs of black stretch pants, in all shades and leg styles mind you, and flat walking shoes. My shirts are usually a cotton blend and I've got hoodies and wraps for every weather pattern. I look like I should be going to yoga or the grocery store, not to work.

I feel loathsome today. I know alcohol is a depressant and I'm feeling those effects today. I tend to drink while out as a social lubricant. It's just out of anxiety. I need to be doing something, holding something etc...Maybe I'm a productive drinker? I was a little nervous last night as it was, since crowds usually make me cringe and I get so wrapped up in having everything I plan be perfect. It was the Spartan's birthday and I picked a bar that we had never been to for our gathering, that in itself was nerve wracking. Will it be big enough? Will there be space for a group of 10 or more? Can we bring food in etc...Thankfully, all went swimmingly in that department.

It's tough on the Spartan since his days off are Tues/Wed and having an event or shindig on a weeknight is tough on us 9-5'ers or schoolers or what have you. I'm sure it takes a lot of effort to rally oneself and be social on a Tuesday night --especially if it's raining out or crappy weather. I was nervous no one would show up -- but we were pleasantly surprised by wonderful friends, their generosity and initiative to not only get the birthday boy drunk, but to get us home safely as well. For that, I am very grateful.

I found myself getting caught up in the fun and drinks were flowing. I think I counted 4 drinks now, that I remember. Folks just kept buying...and when a friendly hand extends an iced beverage in a fancy glass to me, how can I refuse? I didn't over do it, but I felt myself running to the bar once someone from his past showed up.

The Spartan is friends with her and I tolerate her. One thing that sits with me though, in the deep belly of my soul is that she's skinny. I feel like a great Amazon compared to her. His Russian bear. Maybe that's why he loves me, bc I got more to love and more to hold onto, heh. Yet, in all seriousness, it will forever give me a complex. I could feel my tights digging into me last night. I wear skirts now most of the time bc I fear my jeans will kill me in a pseudo Heimlich-like grip around my waist. Dress pants, only make me feel like a trapped vagina in a suit and I have no business being business casual at work. It's just not me.

And I know this belly is me, and I'm supposed to love it, embrace it, blah blah blah, but I hate it. I know it won't be flat as a pancake and I wont have 6 pack abs (not that I want that), but a delightful little pouch wouldn't be bad. Right now I feel as though I have a keg, and no one wants in to this pants party.

Today I just feel it more than I have recently. Maybe it was the booze, or something salty I ate, or just the shirt. But it weighs heavy. I feel like I'm carrying more these days, both physically and emotionally, and it's just draggin' me down.

I'm Special

2011-05-17T11:20:00.000-07:00

and this lil guy will make you notice. In honor of the Spartan's birthday, I took it upon myself to make an Ewok cake. You'd think someone who loves Stars Wars, has a dog that looks like an Ewok and uses images of a toy Wampa taking a bath as his profile pick, they'd like an Ewok cake?

The Spartan said we were weird. To be honest, it hurt my feelings a bit since I ran all over town in the rain and spent $$ on fondant. When will I ever need fondant again?! But the Ewok needed a hood. And now he has one.

But I digress. Sure, I've been told he looks like a bondage Teddy Ruxpin. Or an extra in Breakin', but that's ok. He's magically delicious. And less hairy. He may have one gimp arm (it's actually sticking up, but you can't see bc of the angle of the pic), but he's ready to party. I used sugar free frosting and reduced sugar chocolate cake mix, so that was my contribution to the diet. I only licked the spoon once and probably only ate about a mini brownie's worth of cake from the sculpting process.

Kitchen Vixen

2011-05-16T15:46:00.000-07:00

In other news: This notoriously brown thumb grew something:

Also:

I made homemade organic almond milk for the first time. It was quite delicious. Ratio of almonds to milk was 1 cup almonds to 4 cups of water for a "fat free milk" consistency. Soak almonds overnight. Rinse and drain, throw them in a blender with milk. Strain the meal out through a cheesecloth. Place in a glass container, add a dash of vanilla, some agave or splenda, shake up and you're done. Yum.

Rainy Days and Mondays

2011-05-16T13:58:00.000-07:00

This weekend was quite productive. I managed to finally use a coupon for a manicure and pedicure, though I reluctantly got the manicure. It's really no use with me, as within a day or two anyway, it's chipped and shot to hell. This weekend of course, was also one of Do It Yourself projects. That means, I had my hands in dirt, bike chains and tires, behind the toilet and in my man's tool box. Get your mind of out the gutter.

I managed to start the changing of a tire on my bike, but had to enlist the man to help. I put up a small glass shelf in the bathroom that I've meaning to do for years, to alleviate some of the clutter around the sink. I also got rid of a rusting shelving unit and put up a new one behind the toilet -- a space which has probably not seen the light of a wash or sponge since 2006, due to the old shelf and location. It wasn't pretty.

I always feel a bit mentally handicapped when reading those directions though. I sat on my kitchen floor, legs sprawled out with screws, hammers, various small tools and parts to said shelving unit for what felt like two hours. People, this shelf was not rocket science, but for me it was. At least I wasn't in the fridge, I was next to it, swearing repeatedly while my dog watched a grown woman fail at putting together a fool proof shelf for about 90 minutes. Needless to say, I got it to work and no one was injured.

I was so-so on the diet behavior. I went out Friday night bc a dear old college friend I hadn't seen in years was in town. We drank a bit. I did walk up and down the streets of San Francisco though, and ended up eating healthy (for the most part) at dinner. My cohort and I split various vegetarian plates and I only ate one risotto ball appetizer. No desert, but I did indulge in more wine. So much for the no bloat route.

Saturday was glamour appt day and I walked home the mile and a half mostly uphill. I made myself a sandwich and pop chips for lunch. Dinner was a veggie soup, not one of my best, but chock full of nutrients. There was more wine involved.

I'm sensing the #2 addiction which is hard to give up -- booze. I try to limit my caloric intake during the day if I know there will be wine. I'll keep it protein rich and low carb, but there's no denying the empty calories that glass or two of red piles on. A friend suggested I don't drink M-Thur, and I can try that, but it's hard when your significant other has Tue/Wed as their Sat/Sun...you sort of just end up behaving like you have two weekends in the week. Not a good thing for your diet.

I'm sipping an almond milk/matcha green tea drink to pump up my metabolism. It's becoming my 3 or 4pm pick me up. The key is to shake it up with the mighty force of a Spartan, lest you end up drinking little green dirt flavored balls in your drink. Meh.

It's rainy and cold and depressing in San Francisco today. Thankfully, a slow day at work so I got some walking in and I actually documented what I ate today on My Fitness Pal. Baby steps. I'm also going to try to write more here. A journal of my...journey I guess. I get so lazy though, or find I have to force myself to check in with myself. Just another thing I have to work on...

Spare Tire, Rough Patch

2011-05-13T11:33:00.000-07:00

I sat here at my desk in front of a blinking cursor all morning. Not knowing what to say here, yet with so much of it to say. I've been highly emotional lately. I find myself crying at bus stops, at home for no reason or tearing up at work. Nothing tragic has happened to me. No one has died, my relationship can be better, but nothing a little patience and tenderness on both our parts can fix. A song lyric sparks a tear up. It's partly hormonal, but this pattern has been around for a while. I'm burying something. I'm not letting something get out. I'm suppressing it. With anger. With food. With pinot noir. And I just wish I knew what it was.

I haven't written in a long time and that's usually a sign of something wonderful that is taking up all of my time, or the opposite. For me, it's the latter. I feel like I've hit a rough patch. A patch stemming from my proverbial "spare tire" around my waist mind you, but it's bouncing back bad vibes in all directions. I feel as if I need to be like Buddha Belly on the mountain top and retreat to a cave for a long time to really confront myself and the root of all this negativity.

I've been thinking a lot these past few weeks in relation to where I am, who I am, what I am doing with my life, and why. Welcome to your mid life or mid 30's crisis, right? I wanted this year to really be about me, and the choices I make to reflect on things that I truly love, ideally to help me better myself. I've worked on maintaining and stepping up at my job, learning new things to cook, started yoga up, was building my dream kitchen inventory with things I love, but I haven't even bothered to start to truly love myself. I actually find myself feeling very guilty,and ashamed of who I am.

I should be taking better care of myself. I should be treating those closest to me better. People who are addicted to food usually show the same signs as someone who is addicted to drugs or alcohol. Let's just say, I really enjoy my wine too.

I find that I have an obsession or preoccupation with food. What I am eating, when I am eating it, why I should/should not eat it. I eat when I'm bored. When I'm upset, angry, tired or happy. It's a strange beast to catch when it's in the middle of your mouth or stomach or hiding in a hand full of peanuts. I'm eating to fill a void, or should I say more of a land mine. I don't know where it is, or where to step to avoid it, so I just eat to put it out of my mind. My coping mechanism doesn't come in the form of a prescription. It's comes in the form of a nutrition label. My inner turmoil is relieved through garlic olive oil.

Now, I'm not binging on pizzas or burgers or gallons of ice cream. I'm not hiding pastrami sandwiches between my mattress. I'm a chronic muncher at home. I have no restraint with portion control. Sure I can eat quinoa and fresh veggies, I'll just have two heaping bowls of it.

I am however, not obsessed with working out -- yet. For as much as I loathe the way I look and feel inside and out, I still have a barrier. I refuse to even look at myself naked, or out of the shower these days. I hate getting ready in the morning. I cringe when I go to my closet. Shopping for me revolves around shoes, accessories or kitchen items. No clothes. Dear god, not pants, EVER. And as May almost rolls into its 3rd week, the thought of a warm vacation or bathing suit makes me reach for a xanax or benadryl to calm down the hives.

Now, for my height and weight, on a medium build frame, I am 35 pounds past the maximum weight. Not ideal, but maximum number you should be tipping the scales at. That's almost 1 pound for every year I've been holding shit inside of me that I need to lose, to find myself again. I'll be 34 in July. I am by no means obese or have an excessive amount of weight to lose, but I have held onto this for 20 years and it keeps creeping up. I have a boyfriend that loves me as shapely as I am (still, I hope) and friends who think I am beautiful, but when I am standing in front of an open fridge door, picking at whatever deli meats or leftovers that are available, those thoughts do not ring first in my ears. It's usually the energy saving refrigerator alarm that goes off telling me to shut the damn door.

To be honest, I've never REALLY put my heart, soul, mind and body into a weight loss journey. I have done fad diets. I've crammed workouts for two months for a vacation. I've fasted. I did Atkins years ago. Nothing sticks. I even failed at Weight Watchers. I am America's biggest loser, just not with the TV ratings. This is very mental for me.

I'm learning I like to be in denial. Admittance is the first step to fixing your problem, right? I like to hide my food or true eating behaviors. I think back and it makes me shudder when I am reminded of growing up and how my mother hated herself. How she would keep her secret snacks in the hallway closet or only eat fast food or a Subway sandwich when she took my brother or me out to lunch. My parents never ate together.

These things stay with you as a child and are your only example sometimes of what is right or normal. Sometimes, 30 years later, you are shocked to remember them or even think they can help you explain some of your own issues with food or relationships in love or life.

I avoid the scale. I avoid ME. Recently, I have joined a small online community with other women to help me through some of this journey, as we all have our own vices and crutches and expectations of who we should be in our bodies, and how those bodies show themselves to the world.

It's been a roller coaster ride. Hell, I've never shared the thoughts I have a majority of the time with my closest friends, and they hear a LOT anyway. I never, to this day have shared my weight number. You see, then it makes it real. It makes the journey THERE, and it makes my struggle alive and well and a billboard to how much work I have to do. And I hate that. It means, "today is the first day of the rest of your skinny life". That scares the shit out of me.

Posting pictures is a step I will overcome, but simply posting a side profile shot today made me cry. Partly liberating, partly terrifying. It is me saying, "look at me! look at all that I hate about myself!", and that makes me sad. It makes me sad bc I know it upsets those that love me, but this is my struggle. This is my journey, and this is how I have to learn to deal with it and attack it-- without attacking myself too much. This group will help me. It will teach me to be better, keep me honest and realize that as supportive as I am to these women, I have to support ME too, or this fails.

That last part will be the hardest. I have inspiring friends who have succeeded in major healthy living accomplishments. I have seen women take on marathons, losing 60+ lbs, join swim teams, burlesque troupes, yoga studios etc. and they remind me of the greatness that is out there for the grabbing. There are things for me to be happy about every day. San Francisco. A house in Oakland. My dog. A romance. A walk by the water, organic veggies as far as the eye can see and green tea lattes.

I wish I had greater control of myself. You must not want this bad enough, is what goes through my brain when I think of weight loss, if I can't put that cupcake down, or hit the gym or turn down that 2nd glass of wine. I feel like my body is against me. My body is fighting me. I just wish we could work together and win at losing.

Crustless Veggie Quiche

2010-11-03T16:42:00.000-07:00

I stayed home from work today, partly because I just wasn't feeling up to par, and partly because the San Francisco Giants had their parade in the city today, mainly down the road where I work. While I am happy for their win, I just couldn't wrap my head around tens of thousands of fervent fans from all over the state coming to invade the Financial District and public transit. And SF knows how to party, so this crowd wasn't going to come or go quietly...

What did I do all day instead? Well, I'm lucky I can work from home when I need to, but I cooked. After cooking a steak last night, I felt the need to make today a veggie day. I've also taken to eating warm savory breakfasts, and with the cold weather upon us, (although you can't tell today in CA), quinoa and quiche is on the top of my list for quick breakfasts. Today's winner was quiche. I figured that I'd make it today and I'd have breakfast set for the next few days...meaning, I can sleep in a wee bit longer.

I try to keep it healthy since I'm forever watching my weight (go up, that is) and by using egg whites, low fat cheese, fat free milk and only a small amount of some herbed full fat feta, this quiche goes for about 100 cal a slice! Not bad, if I do say so myself. It's got a lot of nutrients and I think it's pretty tasty. The flour helps the quiche keep its shape and give it some firmness, but you can leave it out if you want to. I also had a ton of broccoli to use up anyway, so it was perfect.

Broccoli and Vegetable Crustless Quiche

Ingredients:

1 tablespoon extra virgin olive oil
1 medium sized onion, diced
2 cloves garlic, chopped
2 cups broccoli florets, cut into small pieces
1/2 cup frozen spinach or fresh chopped
3-4 asparagus spears, chopped
1 small zucchini, cut into small pieces
2 roma tomatoes, cut into thin slices
2 cups of liquid egg whites (or 4 eggs)
1 cup fat free milk
1/4 cup shredded low fat cheese (I use Trader Joes brand)
1 oz crumbled Feta cheese
1/2 teaspoon sea salt or to taste
Freshly ground black pepper
1/2 teaspoon dried basil or a cube of frozen basil
1/4 cup flour
Dash of paprika

The How-To:

Preheat oven to 350°F. Spray a baking dish with cooking spray and set aside.

In a skillet, heat oil over medium heat. Add onion and cook, stirring until softened. Add broccoli, asparagus, zucchini, basil and garlic and cook about five minutes or until just tender. Transfer vegetables to prepared pan. You can season the veggies with a little salt and pepper.

In a large bowl, beat together eggs, milk, cheeses and spices. Whisk in flour. Toss in the spinach. Pour egg mixture evenly over vegetables. Layer the top with the sliced tomatoes. I added a bit of salt, pepper and a drop of basil olive oil to each slice. Sprinkle with paprika and bake until set, about 35 minutes. Cool quiche 10 minutes before serving.

Lean on me Lentils

2010-11-01T10:51:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again. Soup time. A time for colds, cough drops and tea as well for me. I laid low this past weekend, a very quiet Halloween for me, quite the contrast of year's past. I just didn't have it in me this year, and I know there are no tiny violins out there for me if I say our Hawaii trip just did me in and prohibited me from getting into the ghoulish spirit. These are "problems" that just don't count, but alas, I let one of my favorite holidays slip away in all the planning and pre/post trip energy and malaise. Ce la vie!

I did, however, get to make a glorious pot of lentil soup upon our return. You see, now it's poor man meal time, stews, soups, chili, giant vats of creamed goodness all crammed into Tupperware for me to take to work. Let the budgeting season begin as well!

This soup really satisfies, both veggies and no vegetarians alike. It's warm, hearty, flavorful and full of good vegetables to combat any sort of ailment you may encounter when the weather starts changing. It's also great before a nap.

Hearty Lentil Stew

Ingredients

2 tbs Olive oil
1 small fennel bulb, chopped
1 good size carrot, diced
1 small onion, chopped
1 jalpeno pepper seeded and diced
1 cup of mushrooms (canned or fresh)
1 cup green lentils
1/2 cup red lentils
1 can of crushed or diced tomatoes
A few fingerling potatoes, chopped
2-3 cloves garlic chopped
1 can of chick peas, drained and rinsed
1 cup of kale or spinach, chopped
4-5 cups of veggie stock (depending on your consistency likes)
1-2 tbs of tomato paste
some fresh cilantro or parsley
Salt, pepper, dash of soy sauce, seasoning to taste etc...

In a pot, add the oil, onions, fennel, carrot, pepper, mushrooms and potatoes. Saute until onions are tender. Throw in the garlic and the lentils, saute and let the flavors mingle. Add the veggie stock, (I added in 4 cups, and then added more water later on in the process if things got too thick), bring to a boil, then let it simmer on medium to low heat for about 30-45 min.

When things looks pretty much done, add in the can of tomatoes, the chick peas, tomato paste, splash of soy and seasoning to taste (season the veggies along the way too, with your choice of either cumin or even garam masala). I think I even added some dried chopped onions and more garlic powder, possibly some Bragg's seasoning too.

During the last few minutes of cooking, add in your spinach or kale to wilt.

Serve in a bowl and garnish with some cilantro or green onions.

This makes me happy.

2010-10-05T20:42:00.000-07:00

Many things make me happy. A good glass of wine. A tough work out. Recognition for a job well done.

But this:

is bliss.

A bowl full of marinated, ripe tomatoes simply in garlic, olive oil and salt and pepper. Ready for roasting.

MMPH!

Who am I kidding. This makes me happy too:

From Cupkates!

New Month, New Me

2010-10-01T10:55:00.000-07:00

Or so the saying goes, as it has been for years. October 1st has always been an important day for me. I don't know how it came to be my favorite month, but it is. It has been dubbed the month of change, the month of "me", the month of all things possible in the years that I've decided to really acknowledge it.

For some reason, this time of the year always brings about reflection. It brings about impending to-do lists to finish before the new year suddenly slaps us awake on January 1st. It brings about a feeling of self-importance and taking back what is mine (or yours) to get ourselves in the right frame of mind for the busy season ahead. October helps me prioritize in many ways.

A snippet from a blog post from 5 years ago on September 30, 2005 reads:

"The way the sun feels on your face before 8am strikes such a rich memory with me. Lately, it seems as if the gods are playing games with my psyche. They like to toss it around, play with it, make me feel strange and forgetful, and at other times, toss me into the oblivion of all things great and karmically grand."

Every time I turn a corner, or walk on my way to work, or wait for a bus, I never know what memory will pop up, what worry will consume me or what excitement will shake me. I'll always be this way, nostalgic, yearning, wondering and wandering around a city of my choosing and turning over rocks and journals to help me figure out where it is I'm actually going. Thank god it also reminds me of where I've been.

5 years ago I also had a date with someone in October. Someone with whom I didn't think or imagine I'd be having dates with 5 years later...

One of our first Octobers together...Halloween

One of our first dates. He still liked me even though I had a lazy pirate eye.

One of my favorite older photos. We look so young. He's chewing gum, but it's a cute pic.

Regardless of what goes on this month, I'll be plugging along trying to improve on myself as usual and staying on the straight and narrow regarding the diet. Countdown to Hawaii is 21 days. That's 3 weeks. And 5 years to the day I had my first date with the Spartan.

Here's to many more Octobers ahead.

Strangled Vegetables

2010-09-30T10:53:00.000-07:00

Fall is apparently upon us again, in the Bay Area. The AC has been turned back on by nature herself and maybe now I can finally eat that acorn squash I've had sitting on my counter all week. I just couldn't bear to cook soup in 90 degree weather.

Fall is also a time for the next round of seasonal veggies coming our way. Artichokes are available year round pretty much, but are peaking in spring and early fall. I bet you didn't know either that Castroville, CA is the "Artichoke Center of the World" - less than 100mi from San Francisco. I've been craving them lately.

Unfortunately, sometimes eating an artichoke is about as fulfilling as licking an envelope. You go through a heap of trouble, the clipping, the trimming, the poking, the resistance to choke anyone else in the room, for maybe a few scrapes of flavor and a tender heart in the middle. Most of the time, when one thinks of preparing artichokes, they envision an evil little monster like this one, taunting their culinary prowess. Well, I don't play that game. This recipe calls for frozen artichoke hearts, nice and easy - that's my style.

Trader Joe's has a great variety of frozen veggies, and I've just found the artichokes to be a real life and time saver. No shame here...

Chicken Saute with Mushrooms and Artichokes

Ingredients:

4 boneless, skinless chicken thighs
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 tbs butter
1/2 teaspoon salt
pinch of crushed red pepper
1-2 cloves garlic, crushed
1/4 cup fresh sliced mushrooms, like baby bellas
1/4 cup thinly sliced red onions
1 tablespoon dried tarragon
1/4 cup dry sherry
2 cups frozen artichoke hearts
flour, for dredging chicken in

The How-To:

Heat olive oil in a sauté pan until hot. Add mushrooms, red onion, salt, pepper, red pepper, garlic and sauté. Throw in the artichoke hearts.Cook until onions are translucent and/or artichokes have thawed a bit. Remove from pan. Add the 1 tbs butter. Add floured chicken thighs (Be sure to wipe down your chicken before you coat it with flour). Cook and turn chicken until lightly browned on each side. Add tarragon and sherry to deglaze the pan (use a little more sherry if necessary. Bring the veggies back to the pan. Cook and reduce the sauce to thicken. Plate the chicken thighs and pour half the remaining ingredients and sauce over the meal.

You Make My Dreams Come True

2010-09-28T21:32:00.000-07:00

I have never been one to consider myself a music snob. Maybe only in terms of "I found it first", not "Your Music Sucks", though I do own the t-shirt with the saying. Nay, I will be the first to say I own a copy of Newsies, I enjoy classic Wham! and I have a penchant for drinking and singing the songs of Grease 2 or Cabaret style versions of Jesus Christ Superstar. My standards are pretty varied (I would never say low), but there will always be a special place in my heart for Hall & Oates.

I feel the fans of H&O, are wide and far, varied and plentiful. This was apparent to me last night. I had the joy of a perfectly sultry evening in Saratoga with the Spartan last night. A rare, Indian summer's eve that held 70 degrees in it's arms til at least 10 pm. The joy of outdoor seating at a winery amongst one of the most beautiful California views I have seen to date. There were hipster girls with Oates mustaches. There were groups of women dressed to the 69's in their American Apparel leggings and stilletto heels. There were couples my parent's age, and there were people that I could see asking to be their friends for life. But we all had one thing in common.

I said no one, no one else can have this hair.

The electric surge of flaxen hair being flipped precisely in tune with soulful beats, a loyal sidekick who supported it all and a refrain that was as familiar as rocking out to the songs your mother would play in the car for you as a child as she ran errands comforted me.

I had seen Hall and Oates once before, more than a decade ago (wow, it's really been that long), and it was one of the highlights of my youth, thanks to my dear friend Jen, who happened to work at the House of Blues at the time in Los Angeles. It was the reverent chanting of "OATES! OATES! OATES!" from the crowd that still rings in my ears. It was the resonant chords of Your Kiss is On My List, that still, as my ringtone to this day, symbolizes the relationship with my boyfriend and I, and shows my true love for the blue eyed soul that is Daryl Hall. Call it kitsch, call it cheese, call it honesty, but frankly, this duo will always make me smile.

It's been a long week. I know it's only Tuesday, but in the past few days, I've hit a wall with self esteem, unhappy with the way other women who flirt with my man make me feel, upset with how my pants are still not any looser and how I still haven't found the joy of a rush of blood to the head while busting my ass doing cardio that doesn't lead to a minor aneurism.

But these boys, they really made Monday worthwhile. For once.

Tofu for Two

2010-09-23T22:36:00.000-07:00

It's about 76 degrees in my kitchen right now. The Indian Summer has officially kicked in. At almost 11pm tonight. Yay.

I managed to burn about 600 cal at the gym tonight so I decided to not feel guilty about a dreaded carb for dinner. Tonight, it was wheat soba noodles. I always crave Thai food, and I feel like I'm almost to the point where I can recreate my favorite take out dishes from scratch. Yee haw! The only thing I have to refine is portion control. So many recipes leave you with about 4-5 servings, which I'd gladly eat if there were no consequences. But there are. It's always a task trying to estimate measurements for two, but this recipe seemed to work out just right.

I know it will be a good night when I use all of these

Thai Tofu for Two

Ingredients:
8 oz firm tofu, cut into triangles
1 large carrot, peeled into strips
1/2 a red onion sliced
1/2 red pepper cut into strips
1/2 cup shredded green cabbage
1/4 of cucumber, cut into sticks
1 clove of garlic, chopped
1 handful of fresh cilantro chopped
1 tbsp vegetable oil

Marinade:
1/4 cup fish sauce
1/4 cup soy sauce
2 tbsp sugar
Splash of mirin
1 tbs rice vinegar
1 small shallot finely minced
1/2 tbsp siracha (for spice)
2 cloves garlic minced
1/2 tbsp of ginger, grated
1 scallion, chopped (green part only)
1/2 tbsp of lime juice

Pan fry the tofu, dry, in a non stick skillet on low heat. (No oil! Make sure you pat the tofu dry or try to extract as much moisture from it as you can) When the tofu is slightly browned and dried out on both sides, it's ready to soak up the marinade. (See marinade recipe). If you can let it marinate for at least half an hour, you're in good shape.

Cook soba noodles in boiling water until al dente, about 6 minutes. Drain noodles and rinse with cold water to stop the cooking. Toss the noodles with a splash of sesame oil. Set aside.

In a pan, heat the vegetable oil and throw in the carrot strips, red peppers, onions, and marinated tofu. Cook until onions are translucent. Add the garlic, cabbage, cilantro cooked soba noodles. Heat until the cabbage is warmed through and a bit wilted. You may want to add some extra sesame oil or soy sauce if you want more of a sauce on the noodles. Serve!

Wonder Sauna Hot Pants

2010-09-23T14:40:00.001-07:00

I sort of wish it were that easy. Just throw on a pair of hot diaper looking heat seeking missile shorts and your tummy and thighs just disappear.

But they don't exist. And it is just a tease. I get uncomfortable in the heat now. Northern California has made me soft. Gone are the days of smoky LA and 85 degrees being the norm. Heat makes me sweat. It makes things stick. It makes things rub together in unappealing or unflattering ways. An immediate sense of agida rolls over me when I hear the weather man talking about a heat wave. It makes me wanna wave bye bye and go find a cave by the coast to hide out in.

Apparently our beloved SF summer may appear after all. As we all know, it always feels like Folsom Street Fair is the hottest day of the year, while the gays run around pantless and ass slapping runs rampant, but it's probably the worst day of the year you want to roam around without any protective sheath or layering. At least down Folsom Street. As a lady.

Hitting the gym again today after work. I've been busting out little hardcore spurts of 45 minutes here and there during the week, saving my long 90 minute torture fest for the weekends. Today though, I shall triumphantly work out for at least an hour, and not worry about which bus to catch or how I'm going to get home without leaving my ass sweat on a public seat somewhere. It's a sign of accomplishment if you ask me. I need something to cheer me up since the moment I get home there is a bikini draped over my closet door set to the angle of "mock" that stares me down.

I feel myself getting more fit, but I don't feel the pants fitting any better. It's frustrating. I'm recorded my meals on the Dubba Dubba Ew plan (an old nickname for Weight Watchers)so I know I'm well within my allowed points. Something isn't clicking though. Perhaps it's the types of foods I'm eating. Or when.

On a good note, while roaming around Trader Joe's the other night with the Spartan after dinner, he commented on my legs. That was nice. Caught me off guard, as most compliments do. Initially, I felt awkward wielding a shopping cart downhill into the new underground bastion of beverages and veggie bags that is now in Berkeley (say that three times fast). I can blame it on the incline, or the wedge heeled shoes, or the above knee skirt, but you know what, I'm going to blame it on me. And the countless hours I've spent on the elliptical incline raising my heart beat to 172 bpm periodically for minutes at a time.

Hot legs. I love ya honey!

If I can't get the hot pants, I'll settle for hot legs any day.

You wish I was your landlady

2010-09-20T11:19:00.000-07:00

Peach season ended early for me. Millions of peaches, peaches for me....Really it was about 50 peaches, and half went to other people. Last year I made 7 jars of 53rd Street peach jam and it went over famously but it was such a laborious process. This time around, with less fruit and time on my hands, I managed to create a few wonderful dishes of cobbler. The last peach batch I had, I couldn't allow myself to eat (you know, those pesky things called diets), so I made a peach/blueberry cobbler for our tenants upstairs. I notice they are rarely around, to cook, grill, garden or reap the benefits of our veggie and fruits, so Mama Lettuce spent a Sunday baking for them. I never heard the outcome or if they liked it, but here's the recipe...I know, I'm too nice for my own good.

Ingredients

1/2 cup packed brown sugar (sometimes I'll use a 1/4 cup brown sugar and 1/4 cup Splenda)
2 tablespoons cornstarch
2 cups sliced peeled peaches
1 cup fresh or frozen blueberries
1 tablespoon butter
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1/4 tsp of almond extract
1/2 tsp of cinnamon

TOPPING:
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/3 cup sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
Pinch of salt
Pinch of nutmeg
1/4 cup cold butter
1/4 cup milk
1 egg, lightly beaten

The How-To:

In a large saucepan, combine the brown sugar, butter and cornstarch. Add the peaches, blueberries, cinnamon, almond extract and lemon juice. Pour into a greased shallow baking dish (I just recycled a baking tin).

For topping, in a small bowl, combine the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt. Crumble in the butter until little balls form. Stir in milk and egg. Spoon over fruit mixture. Bake at 400 degrees F for 25-30 minutes or until bubbly and a toothpick inserted in the topping comes out clean. Serve warm.

Le Pea, So Chic

2010-09-19T22:27:00.000-07:00

So I attempted some spicy chickpea concoction this week for dinner, and it really wasn't so bad. I served it up on a bed of broccoli rabe, with a bit of Trader Joes masala lentil dip underneath, and a cucumber garlic yogurt salad to combat the spice. It was a blend of two recipes, one that my friend Lea had posted elsewhere and another from a magazine that I edited to my own tastes.

Spicy Spinach Chickpea Cakes

Ingredients:

1 can of chickpeas, rinsed and drained
1/4 cup of cornstarch
1/4 cup diced onions
2 cloves of garlic diced
1/4 green bell pepper chopped
1 small fennel bulb chopped
1 tbs olive oil
1/4 cup panko or regular breadcrumbs
1 cup chopped spinach or you can use one package frozen spinach, thawed and drained
1/2 tbs grated fresh ginger
2 tbs fresh parsley
1 tbs garam masala
1 tsp ground ginger
1 tsp cumin
1/2 tsp coriander
1/4 tsp cayenne pepper
salt/pepper to taste

In a small pan, add the olive oil, garam masala, ground ginger, cumin coriander, cayenne and some salt and pepper, stir until spices are fragrant, about 2 minutes. Add in the onion, garlic, fennel, green pepper and fresh ginger. Saute until veggies are cooked through or onions are transluscent. In a small blender, add the onion and pepper mixture with the chickpeas. Pulse until they are blended, but still some chunks remain. Add the mix to a bowl and mix in the spinach. After it has been incorporated add in the cornstarch to thicken the mix. You can either put this in the fridge before you form your cakes or you can create your patties and then keep in the freezer for about half an hour - just so they keep their shape. They will be delicate. Coat them in panko or cornmeal to give some extra structure.

Now, you can pan fry or bake these, but I found the pan frying to be too greasy. I would set your oven to 400, and bake your cakes on a tray for about 20-25 minutes, turning them over once or until desired crunchiness.

A Rebirthday

2010-09-19T22:05:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday night and another hard working, eventful week has come to a close.

I haven't been to the gym since Thursday evening and I'm feeling the guilt set in. I had my back adjusted on Friday, which always seems to render me useless and tweaked for the next 12 hours. Saturday, I had the pleasure of spending the day in Sonoma, CA , celebrating a very special event with a family I know. It was the one year anniversary of the patriarch's successful heart transplant, a rebirth for him, if you will. It helps put things in perspective, when you're going through your own ups and downs, aches and pains or procrastinations. Some people never had the luxury of procrastinating, and not everyone gets the chance to have a day of celebrating a life renewed. It was a great day to talk with and meet people, all in awe, and grateful of this man's real miracle.

My weekend was not so miraculous, but productive. Friday night I made some chickpea cakes for dinner, a first. I'm sure I overdid it on the wine consumption, but it's the last weekend of summer, live it up, shall we? Today was a day of yard work, laundry, biking, groceries and grilling. What started off as a dreary wet morning, turned into a great sunny afternoon in the East Bay, and I made sure to treat myself to a grilled lunch after the hours of manual labor and hedge trimming I endured. Leave it to the girl with the most allergies to be in charge of landscaping or vine wrangling...

I enjoy the days I can spend in my own head, even though I'm wrestling my demons on a daily basis with this diet, this job, this meal, this, that...THIS. I then remember to step outside of myself while I'm walking my lovable pup around our block, or while the bf and I are sitting in our yard (we have a YARD!) over wine and grilled veggie skewers or rolling around in freshly washed sheets and my dream comforter to say, "This is my life. And it's not so bad. Not at all."

I miss the proximity of friends back East or even in the "other" bay, but I'm lucky to be in the loop still with so many people. I know I'm way overdue on a few phone calls though. I miss the freedom of not having a job, but I also would miss the paychecks should that time come to pass again. I can only say I'm doing the best I can with what I have.

I bought some oatmeal, fresh fruit and yogurt to take the place of my eggs in the morning. I'm making a point to drink more water and green tea this week. Baby steps, but maybe one day those steps will turn into strides. The bikini I have draped over my closet door a constant reminder over what I am aiming for, but with Hawaii a month away, I don't think THAT miracle will happen. Thankfully, I also bought a tankini top as well ( a girl has to be prepared).

All in all, it was a low key weekend, but it goes by way too fast. Here's to Monday. And new gym shorts. That is my excitement for the week.

No whammies, this week Mr. Scale.

It's the Most Important Meal of the Day

2010-09-18T08:27:00.000-07:00

For 18 years, my mother made me breakfast. Before it was shouted from the rooftops as the most important meal of the day by dieticians, doctors and Emeril, my mother knew what the buzz was.

I was one of the lucky ones I guess, where my mother cooked us every meal - even my high school lunches were packed, regardless if I only insisted on a can of Slim Fast because prom was coming up.

You see, I've aways had issues with food and weight. Whether it was 3rd grade, and my father called me "88" because I reached the high scoring weight at the mere age of 8, or if it was 5th grade, when I was truly happy to get a stomach virus which made me lose ten pounds, to the searches for high school dance dresses with my mother, praying to find one that didn't highlight my arms or bring out my "back fat", I had my share of conflicts. "Spaghetti straps are not allowed", my mother would say. Not for arms like yours.

Arms like mine. I would joke to myself that maybe if my mother didn't make me so much spaghetti, I'd be able to wear the damn straps. If I could give away these bear like torpedoes that forbid me from wearing flimsy and sheer outfits, cute fitted jackets and cap sleeved shirts, I would. But I can't. I've come to realize I'm stuck with them, and they are stuck with me. I've been working on whittling them down lately, and have been successful at the gym for about 2 weeks now. That being said, Rome wasn't built in a day and miracles don't happen overnight, but I guess I'm supposed to find some sort of peace of mind from all of this. Well, I haven't.

I'm eating breakfast right now, a lovely mixture of farro with veggies, egg whites and avocado - and last night's wine cork sitting idly by, a tell tale sign of how I usually get my peace of mind lately. It's probably too many points , but oh well. Yes, I'm even on Weight Watchers now, a special place in hell I thought was only reserved for cat ladies in fleecy underpinnings or soccer moms who have a penchant for bon bons and little league games. It's not. It's for everyone, and I've had several friends do quite well on it. It's not doing much for me, but I'll stick with it a bit longer.

Every day after work I pass the happy hour crowd in the Financial District of SF to hit the gym. I used to be part of that crowd, mingling with would be Don Drapers and all the girls in Anne Taylor who drape their arms over them. I walk past the numerous Irish bars boasting booths of beer swigging bullshitters in button downs. The caloric breeze of fatty, fried foods and overdone cologne clashes with the worn in rubber gym floor smell that hits me as I enter the door. I'm not the girl with the dirty martini anymore. I'm the girl with the dirty gym clothes in her bag and a sweat mark on the bus seat.

For now.

Roasted, Toasted and Full

2010-01-10T21:03:00.000-08:00

If I've learned one thing this week, it's that nothing tastes finer than roasting your own red peppers. Sure, I've had the jarred kind, thrown the slimy lil tenders into salads or other dishes, but I actually took the time to roast my own this evening and it made quite the difference. Or perhaps it was that fine bottle of wine that made everything taste better...regardless, it's the little things that make me happy sometimes.

Quinoa is big in our house, as it's a full protein unto itself and can be tasty hot or cold. I love to add to some flare to it (you can tell by the picture) and it's pretty versatile--taking on any flavor or personality you tell it to. I tell my quinoa to do many things. And it listens. I usually cook mine in a rice cooker with a teaspoon of coconut oil and some veggie broth with fresh or frozen cilantro thrown in for fun.

I just find something so soothing about standing in your kitchen chopping vegetables, drinking wine while talking and cooking for the ones you love. Might as well make it fun. Fiesta!

Southwestern Quinoa

1 cup of quinoa cooked as directed
1-2 tbs olive oil
1/4 cup of chopped onions
1-2 garlic cloves, chopped
Dash of chili flakes
1 cup of mushrooms chopped
1 can of diced tomatoes drained
1 can of black beans washed and drained
1/2 cup of Quorn Chik'n Tenders (optional)
2 green onions, just the green ends chopped
1 roasted red pepper (either chopped or in strips)
1 can of roasted chilis OR 1 small fresh jalapeno chopped
Season to taste

Directions:

Rinse and cook the quinoa as directed, either in a rice cooker or in a small pot. In a pan, place the olive oil, chili flakes, Chik'n Tenders and onions, saute until the onions are translucent. Add the garlic and mushrooms. Cook until slightly browned. Add the tomatoes and let it simmer on low until the quinoa is done cooking. Before you throw in the quinoa, add the black beans and roasted chilis. Add the quinoa and toss lightly with the green onions and roasted red pepper. Season to taste! Ole!

Toothless Wonder

2010-01-04T11:32:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year, folks! I will make a resolution to be more productive in my writing this year and of course, cooking.

I spent the greater part of last week on a liquid diet due to wonders of a wisdom tooth removal. That being said, it is not so wise to wait to get your teeth out at 32 instead of say, 18. Lesson learned.

I've been slacking on the recipe front, as I have the cooking for obvious reasons, but managed to put together a pretty damn good potato/parsnip/carrot and fennel soup before the surgery. It could be called the Persnickety Potato Soup since I wasn't looking forward to bland foods, soups, smoothies or mashable meals for the long haul. I'm not that picky, but there's just so many soups or potatoes you can eat! I had to jazz this soup up. Needless to say, you get your veggies and it's great a day or two later too!

Persnickety Potato Soup

Ingredients:
2 tbs olive oil
1 tbs butter
1 medium onion chopped
2 cloves of garlic chopped
1 large russet potato chopped
1 fennel bulb chopped
2-3 large carrots chopped
2-3 parsnips chopped
A handful of fresh or dried thyme to taste
2-3 cups vegetable broth (depends on how thick you like your soup)
A handful of fresh parsley, chopped (I say definitely use fresh for the parsley)
salt, pepper

The How To

Add olive oil and melt your butter in a pot over medium heat. Add onions and sauté until translucent, about 15 minutes. Add carrots and parsnips and cook about ten minutes. Add your broth, potatoes, garlic and spices. Cover and simmer until potatoes are tender, stirring occasionally, about 30 minutes.

I like to puree the entire pot with an immersion blender, but if you like it chunky, do half and half. Lastly, season to taste with salt and pepper. Cook the soup a bit longer and serve immediately. If you like it extra creamy, use a dash of cream or milk.

Rollin' with the Rogies

2009-12-23T20:49:00.000-08:00

Ah, the holidays. More like the holidaze, if you're caught between work, social engagements, lists and shopping. I try not to let myself get too caught up in the mayhem, but I'm a sucker for nostalgia and home cooking. I've also been known to drag a miniature Christmas tree home in a dog carrier for added ambiance.

Since moving out to California, I've barely made it home back East for more than a few Christmases. As a child, Christmas Eve was really where the excitement was though. My mother's side of the family, a mixture of Polish and Russian, would come bounding through the door around 6pm. A sea of cousins, Aunts, boyfriends or husbands would gather around our table to eat the glory that my grandmother or Baba, would create, along with my mother's dishes.

I can vividly remember the days leading up to Christmas. Grocery lists. Shopping. Flour on the table, flour on the kitchen floor. Flour on me. My mother's rolling pin--looking as if its seen many a battle of dough and debauchery-- barely hanging on, sitting idly on the table, waiting to be used. The soups were being prepared, usually mushroom & barely and pickle soup (don't laugh, I may make that at a later date and you'll be happy I did)with their aromas wafting through the kitchen. Christmas Eve was mainly meatless, so fish was being bought, along with teas and cookies for desserts.

There was always one dish though, that took precident. One that took the longest to make and was the fastest to disappear: the high holy pierogi. A doughy pillow stuffed with potatoes and cheese, boiled, then sauteed in butter and bacon to be devoured. I can feel my mouth watering already.

Growing up in New England, especially in southwestern CT, there were very few folks who didn't have pierogies at least once in their life. For me, I was the girl who ate them every year, and now well into adulthood, never attempted to make them myself. Well, this year, I was going to try. I even went out and bought a fancy rolling pin for the adventure. I say "adventure", when in reality it was more like a 3 hour tour. There's the business of the dough, the filling and then the actual preparation. In the end though, I think it was worth it. They freeze wonderfully too, so I made sure to tuck some away in my fridge for later gluttonous consumption.

Ingredients:

Dough
2 cups flour, plus extra for kneading and rolling out dough
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 large egg
1/2 cup sour cream
1/4 cup butter, softened
Potato and Cheese filling (see below for recipe)

To make the dough, mix together the flour and salt. Whisk the egg, then add to the flour mixture. Add the sour cream and the softened butter and work until the dough is pliable and not too sticky. Place the dough in a a bowl, cover with plastic and let stand at room temperature for about an 1 hour. You can also refrigerate the dough for up to a day.

The Cheese/Potato filling - best to make while dough is napping.

4 large russet potatoes
1 tbs butter
1 egg
1 medium onion chopped
1 clove of garlic, minced
1 container of small curd cottage cheese
(You can have an additional 1/4 cup of shredded cheddar cheese if you wish)

Peel potatoes and cut into small pieces. Cook potatoes in boiling salted water until you can pierce them with a fork. Drain, then transfer to a bowl and let them cool, about 20 minutes. While they're cooling, saute the onion in some butter, set aside. Beat the egg, set aside. Once potatoes are cooled, add the cheeses, salt, pepper, onions, egg and mash until smooth. I usually just keep adding spices until it gets to the taste I like. I like to refrigerate this mixture for at least half an hour, since it's easier to scoop out and work with.

Spoon out a rough tablespoon and lightly roll into a ball between palms of your hands. Transfer balls to a plate and keep them until you're ready to stuff your pierogies. You will have filling left over. Depending on how big you make your pierogies, I just estimate the size of the ball.

Rollin' out the 'rogies:

Roll the pierogi dough on a floured surface until about 1/8" thick. Cut circles of dough with drinking glass about 3inches in diameter. I find that works best for me. Place a small ball of filling on each dough round and fold the dough over, forming a semi-circle. Press the edges together with your fingers. If it doesn't stick, use a bit of water to keep the edges sealed.

Boil the perogies a few at a time (say, 5-6)in a large pot of salted water. I added a little bit of bouillon to my water for extra taste. They are done when they float to the top (about 8-10 minutes). Don't crowd them, they get cranky!

Saute chopped onions in butter in a large pan until onions are soft. Add your boiled pierogies and bacon if you like. Then, EAT! I made mine with vegetarian bacon, but if you close your eyes and wish hard enough, it may just taste like the real thing!

Blotto Risotto

2009-12-14T14:24:00.000-08:00

There's nothing more that I love than chopping veggies, drinking wine, listening to music and cooking with said wine.

I ventured into the realm of farro the other day, as I made my trip to my favorite Italian shop/deli in Temescal, Genova Delicatessen one weekend afternoon to do so shopping and munching.

Never really having had the patience for a good risotto and a conscious much too guilty to eat so much butter, cream or cheese, I rarely make it at home. Yet with farro, you can achieve this wonderful creamy consistency sans any of those fatty calories. Trust me. Combined with the fresh herbs, I ate a whole bowl...and then some. Although, that could've been the wine's influence.

The Ingredients

1 cup farro
1/2 lb of asparagus tips (I just cheated and used frozen Trader Joes ones)
2 shallots, minced
1 clove of garlic, minced
2 tbs Earth Balance spread
2 cups vegetable broth
2 tbs olive oil
2/3 cup good (dry) white wine
grated zest of 1 lemon
1 tbs chopped fresh tarragon leaves
a handful of chopped fresh Italian parsley leaves
salt, pepper to taste

The How To

In a saucepan, heat the olive oil and the Earth Balance spread (you can also use regular butter). Add the shallots and cook over medium heat, stirring until softened. Add the garlic and the farro and cook for 1 minute, stirring to coat everything with the oil. Add the wine, stirring until it is all absorbed.

Next, add your veggie stock, (about 1/4 cup at a time), and cook, stirring, until everything is absorbed in between splashes. When you've put about a cup of the stock in, throw in your asparagus tips. With your last splash of stock, add your parsley and tarragon and lemon zest. The farro is done when it is thick and creamy, somewhat al dente.

The whole process takes about half an hour and you have to constantly stir - don't walk away from your pan, the farro won't forgive you.

Spicy Italian Soup

2009-12-04T09:22:00.000-08:00

It's definitely feeling like winter with the appearance of my own breath in front of me on the way to work lately. Only a few more weeks until it's official. Everyone seems to be battling their health these days, especially in my household, so what better way to clear out those head colds than with a warm, spicy Italian soup. It's comfort food at its best and nice and rustic.

Spicy Italian Soup
1/3 cup onions, chopped
1/4 cup chopped carrots
1/2 of a large russet potato, chopped
3-4 cloves garlic, chopped (I like garlic)
1/2 tsp. crushed red pepper, more or less
2 tbp. olive oil
1 can of crushed Italian tomatoes, drained
4 cups vegetable broth
1/2 can white beans, drained and rinsed (or the whole can, up to you)
fresh basil or dried to taste
1/3 cup small shell pasta (conchigliette works well)
2/3 cup spinach leaves, fresh or frozen
1 bay leaf
Salt, pepper to taste

The How To:
Cook pasta according to directions, set aside in a small bowl. Sauté onions, carrots, potatoes, garlic, and red pepper in oil in large saucepan until tender, 3-4 minutes. Stir in tomatoes, veggie stock, bay leaf and basil -- heat to boiling. Let it simmer for a while, allowing all the flavors to meld and the potatoes and carrots to get tender, about 15 minutes. Add white beans and pasta, stir spinach into soup and simmer another 1-2 minutes. Remove the bay leaf. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Serves about 2 big bowls with some leftovers. Could be used as a starter for 4 people.

Jambalaya Jamboree

2009-11-21T13:12:00.000-08:00

I was craving something spicy and satisfying with this cold weather and was inspired to make something hearty and full of vegetables. I wanted to keep it low fat and vegetarian so as to not feel so guilty eating a big bowl of rice, that's why I used half brown and half long grain. I haven't been to New Orleans since 1998, but I always love New Orleans cuisine, so every once in a while I bust out with a good jambalaya or gumbo or red beans and rice to cure that craving. The Spartan is a veggie so I can't really throw in all the savory meats, but this version was just as tasty and hard to put down.

I also find it ironic I usually eat these wonderful bowls of goodness or write the recipe while watching "The Biggest Loser" or "The Last 10lbs Bootcamp". I really need to get back to the gym...but for now, enjoy.

Vegetarian Jambalaya

The Goods:
1 tablespoon olive oil (i used garlic infused)
1 medium onion, finely chopped
1 cup chopped green pepper
1 cup sliced mushrooms (fresh or canned)
1 small zucchini chopped
3 garlic cloves, minced
1 teaspoon olive oil
1 can of diced tomatoes (with liquid)
2 cups water
1 cup uncooked long grain rice/brown rice mixture
2 Trader Joe's vegetarian Italian sausage (you can substitute regular if you're a carnivore)
1 tablespoon minced fresh or dried parsley
1/4 teaspoon salt or celery salt
1/2 tablespoon Creole seasoning
1 teaspoon smoked paprika
1 bay leaf
1/8 teaspoon chili powder
1/8 teaspoon pepper
1/2 tsp of Gumbo file powder (you can find it in the grocery store)

The How-To:
In a large nonstick saucepan, saute the onion, green pepper, mushrooms and garlic until tender in the olive oil. Sprinkle with Creole seasoning. After a few minutes, stir in the tomatoes, water, rice mixture, parsley, salt, paprika, chili powder and pepper and zucchini. Add bay leaf.

Bring to a boil, cover, then simmer on low heat until rice is tender. Remove the bay leaf, season with file powder and serve with some chopped green onions if you'd like.

Peanut Noodle Delight

2009-11-20T15:55:00.000-08:00

The weather is getting colder and I wanted something yummy and comforting--but not your average run of the mill comfort food. The Spartan had mentioned peanut ginger noodles the other day, and though it was too late that evening, I swore I would make it soon. Soon being, the very next day.

I boiled some udon noodles and set them aside. I sauteed some thinly sliced white onions, crushed red pepper, freshly grated ginger, garlic and cilantro (paste or fresh is fine) in some garlic olive oil and left it in the pan while I worked magic elsewhere.

For the sauce, in a bowl I had about 1/2 cup of warmed peanut butter (warmed in the microwave), 2 tbs of soy sauce, a sprinkling of sugar, 1/4 cup of hot water (play with the consistency, I added more here and there), more grated ginger, minced garlic, 2 tbs of toasted sesame oil. You can use spicy if you like as well.

Noodles alone do not a protein filled meal make, so I wanted to throw in some crunchy tofu. I chopped up some firm tofu, then threw it in a bowl with corn starch, gomasio (sesame seeds and sea salt mix), garlic powder, cayenne and ground black pepper to coat it. I fried it up in some veggie oil, drained it in a bowl and sprinkled some more gomasio on it, then set it aside.

I pretty much threw everything in a big pan in the end, the tofu last, and sprinkled some chopped green onions on top. It's best to serve it immediately so the tofu doesn't get soggy, or the noodles don't get sticky! It was a very satisfying meal indeed.

It's ok to not be your mother.

2009-10-13T21:24:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a long time (again) and for that, I apologize.

Days like rainstorms, minds like mud puddles and hearts like anvils weigh heavy on my chest lately.

I've been busy with work, family, and well, life. Sometimes life isn't so simple, no matter how mundane it may seem to the onlooker.

To most, I work, work out, grocery shop, hang out and sleep. Yet, in the in between times, I think. I rationalize. I compute and I try to forge ahead, road blocks and all.

I haven't had time for recipes, but if there are secrets for sanity, let 'em rip.

Work has had me in a tidal wave, awkward and unusual for my position, but I am happy to be busy.

My father had a heart attack a few weeks ago, so that has been where my mind is. In every tiny mental chamber you can think of-this life, that life, what if's and what I want...and somewhere in the middle of all that, I exist.

I have learned a lot about myself. What I need to survive, subsist on and move forward with. I have learned that free will is available to all human beings and well, free calories are not, but that is a different story. Everyone is capable of making their own decisions and choosing their own destiny.

I have learned that is ok, to NOT be your mother.

Many women struggle with that fact. Many women know off the bat that they do NOT want to be their mother. Many women idolize their mothers and spend their entire lives trying to just achieve a minimal sense of what presence their mothers held in other people's lives. I had been torn this way for many years, and am finally secure in thinking, it's ok to NOT grow up and reflect the person that gave birth to me. I am who I am, and I have taken what I can from my family, but they are not who I am now.

I left home when I was 18. I went off to college in Boston and made the most of it. I wasn't a wild child, even having been held back and under strict rule as a teenager, but an adult fully aware of her surroundings and the possibility around her. My mother was always afraid, while I was always thinking of far off adventures and challenges.

I believe I picked up my knack for cooking, nurturing, comfort food and off the cuff recipes from her. It must be in our genes to make amazing soups, chowders, comfort meals, or massive quantities of bad for the heart/good for the soul meals. There is a line drawn though, when it comes to other things-life things, that cannot fit neatly on a menu.

I was reminded of these other things, challenges and milestones while on my last trip home. My father had a heart attack, and as the sole breadwinner (my mother being the bread maker) it placed a lot of stress on the family. This fear, this lack of direction and impending doom looming in the future-scenarios without my father no one wants to think of, really put things into perspective.

When my grandmother died almost ten years ago, I flew in from LA to attend the funeral. I took care of business, condolences, food and greeted family members. I looked better than I had in years, and felt guilty for it, but was constantly told how "tough a broad I am" by my mother. As if , she didn't give birth to me and the energy stems from there...

My mother was always a tough woman while I was growing up. Family first, friendships later. She was a stay-at home-mother, who didn't work, but worked harder than anyone else in the family. Food was made, friends were fed, clothes were cleaned and ironed, and every fall, my brother and I got lectures and a new wardrobe. My mother never even took the time to get herself a new pair of glasses, sneakers, a hair cut or even a coat.

When I moved away, things changed. I had always been more headstrong, concerned with putting my best face forward and had bigger expectations for myself. I moved across country, cooked the meals I had eaten at home so many times and made them my own, earning kudos along the way from friends who also craved that comfort or sense of familiarity.

My mother is responsible for helping me create the perfect meatball. I would call my mother for tips, recipes, ideas and the like, but after a while, it was me who was offering suggestions and concocting new meals or surprises for guests who graced my dinner table. My mother was slowly slipping away, the connection we had, severed by distances and new technology and life changes. She still doesn't know how to program a VCR, refuses to see a doctor or make any effort to better herself. These things frighten me. Not just for myself, but for her, and there is nothing I can do about it.

And here we are, decades later--myself, older than she was when she first gave birth to me, and miles ahead of where she is in life now. Growing up is never easy, growing apart is sometimes inevitable, but growing into yourself is something that should be acknowledged and accepted.

Me and my father, circa 1982. I still rocked the bangs

Dangerous Curves Ahead

2009-08-27T15:00:00.000-07:00

I was wading through the streets of San Francisco today on this unusually warm day. I was headed to the mall--horror of horrors-- in hopes of finding a few things I saw on sale last week before I got paid. One was still there (a cute clutch purse to traipse around town with), the other was not (a delightfully bluish/purple cheetah print cardigan-it was rockabilly and classy).

I had made the mistake of stepping into Ross, a discount shopping department store, for some dance accessories and/or an outfit for Vegas. The Spartan and I are planning to go to LV for a few days mid-September. And that time is rapidly approaching. In between work, taking care of business, the dog (who by the way is almost 20lbs, he's growing like his mother!) I have to find time to get myself together and try to look fabulous.

This is a tall order.

I find myself instead of being fabulous, going to the gym 4x a week, fake tanning my legs, looking up cheap teeth whitening strips, the best times for my waxer and when to get the right pedicure. This is a ridiculous amount of energy for a girl to feel attractive, but I do it.

I wandered Ross until I found the "Special" or "Social Occasion" dress section. Oo la la. Nothing like racks of ill suited fabric stretched beyond belief, tents on hangers or clothes made for Barbie dolls to mock me and make me want to trade burlap sacks for bikinis on any given day. I often forget the mantra I am supposed to whisper to myself now that I am a woman in my (pause) 30's: "You cannot buy clothes from the juniors section anymore."

But I want to! I want to look like Katy Perry in Vegas, sans a deck of cards for pasties or bejeweled cherry underpants. (Ok, maybe I do want the bedazzled underpants) I want to wear cute dresses and sparkle on a random Tuesday in the desert--and NOT have it be at Burning Man. I WANT to wipe that glitter off my face, damnit! Instead, it was the sweat that poured down my face I had to wipe after I got stuck in said Katy Perry wannabe dress I opted to try on.

I saw this gem, a green and black beauty of a party dress which made me think it's a blend of Katy Perry and Parker Posey from Party Girl that my alter ego would like to be. (Un?)Fortunately for the 3 of us, that won't be happening. Squeezing into the satin torture device, I could hear older Asian men wandering the dressing room hall (!!!) continually asking where the restrooms were. Just because it is a circus of fat I hide, the fitting room is not like a Chinatown Bazaar full of goodies and noise makers that you can stumble upon when I'm in there! Those are not firecrackers-that is me stepping on and breaking plastic hangers with my bare feet out of frustration! Get out!

It was hot in there. It smelled like sadness and moldy pantyhose. My choice dress looked so inviting though. It was short and vibrant. It was young. It was like, prom for those with no self respect, but I could pull it off. I got it on, but the reflection of my underbelly in the fluorescent light made me think twice before trying to zipper it. I should've thought again. Third times the charm, no? Right. Because I tried to zip it up.

I got it up to my chest, which was fighting it's way over the brim like a dam about to burst. It reminded me of that scene in Superman where poor Jimmy Olsen is hanging on for dear life as this huge wall of water was about to sweep him away. Except, it was the dress that was Jimmy, and I, this wall of...something. Definitely a force of nature, that I'm sure.

I zipped it up midway to my back, when suddenly, as if the heavens above wanted me zip locked and saran wrapped and vacuum-sealed forever, the combination of rising temperatures, children's voices in the stall over and the sweat rolling down my hemispheres, it trapped me.

I was trapped in a body that I did not want and a dress I could not fit into.

I fought with it for a while. I sat on the ground and tried to slide out of it. Had there been a pull-up bar in the dressing room (maybe there should be) I would have pulled myself taut enough to gracefully shimmy out of the dress. These were dreams though, dizzying hallucinations, for they were getting me nowhere, but more frustrated and more plump than a Ball Park Frank. I toyed around with the idea of asking my neighbor to help me. Do I walk outside and ask for help? Or do I transform into a raven-haired She-Hulk and just rip the damn thing off? They'll never know, it's Ross for chrissakes.

I huffed, and I puffed, and I pulled that thing down. It didn't budge.

I sucked my breath in, I turned the dress around but that zipper was stuck, almost eating itself with teeth that apparently wanted to change direction on me. Finally, after some yoga moves and perfecting the art of elongating myself as much as I could, I was free.

I threw the dress down. It sat there on the ground, looking like the aftermath of something that could've, should've been so much more fun, on another day, but instead it just slumped over. It looked defeated... like me.

I gathered up my clothes and dignity and put it back on the hanger. I can't pretend that body acceptance is easy, but its days like this make me want to wear stretchy pants forever.

Oh wait, I already do.

Obsessed with Food?

2009-08-05T11:59:00.000-07:00

I haven't been updating my blog a lot lately. I'm not quite sure why, but I'm sure there are a ton of demons in my closet and/or fridge that are preventing me from doing so. Perhaps it is out of laziness, but methinks not. It's not like I have stopped cooking, as you can tell from the assortment of goodies below produced over the last few weeks-er-months that I have not been documenting it at all here.

Sometimes I am accused of being obsessed with food. Maybe I am. Maybe I shop more at grocery stores than I do clothing stores. Maybe it's my self image I am obsessed with, yet do nothing more about it than a few hours of cardio to fight it. I do a lot of fighting with myself. I play top chef on Facebook, posting photos of lunches, dinners, reviews of meals had or made and what does it really provide me? Fill me in if you know. But I know I'm not alone.

There's a million things that make people happy. Everyone is different. I like making people happy, and I do so sometimes with food. I say sometimes, because I do have other skills and talents other than boiling water or chopping broccoli. Sure, I've been known to be the "meatball gal", but since dating a vegetarian, that really doesn't fly so well in the house kitchen. Trust me, if I can make the veggie meatball that doesn't taste like processed mushroom/shoebox/glue stick/and sage, from scratch, I'll let you know. And I will be famous for it.

Does this mean I'm always happy cooking food? No. I sometimes revel and sometimes I have to rally just to pick up a utensil. I am plagued with guilt with most meals, but we'll save the emotional eater discussion for a later date. Sometimes, I get a real sense of accomplishment from creating something with my own two hands...and pans.

I've always wanted to go to culinary school, but never could afford it. I can remember living in LA looking up schools so feverishly, wondering if I should just move back East and go to NY or RI for the culinary education I desired. It never happened. Of course as I left Hollywood, a cooking school opened up less than a mile away on Sunset Blvd. (shakes fists) I even looked up schools in SF and Napa when I moved up north. I just couldn't justify the horrors of a kitchen and the awful pay behind it once all the classes were done. Honestly, I never wanted to work in a restaurant. I just wanted to cook.

I take classes here and there and study the Food Network with a ferocity that I only wish would follow suit with the gym. If I paid attention to what went in my mouth, rather than my shopping cart, I may be about 20 lbs lighter. That being said, I have changed my diet for the better over the past few years and taken a healthier, gangsta lean. Our bodies are all different, and while some can switch off a craving, a menu plan or dietary habit at the drop of a hat, I can't. I admit I lack the discipline because my desire outweighs it. Maybe that's why I stopped writing, because I started to feel guilty about sharing what I know as joy and talent, which can be perceived as a weakness to others.

I'm no master chef, nor do I pretend to be. I have a sincere passion to learn and create or even recreate healthy, tasty dishes. I'm not your mom, but I've been told I sometimes cook better than she does. I don't have a niche, since I can cook for myself, I can cook for vegetarians and you'd be surprised how easy it is to make something vegan and not want to lick your own shoe instead. What I like to think I excel in is making people feel at home. Satiating a need for comfort, nourishment and maybe show that it's not so hard to do it yourself. I'm a Cancer, what can I say.

I think it's a daily struggle to find out what you like to do, what you like in yourself and how to pull all that together. Then again, maybe it's just me. I've just noticed a lot of people retreating back to their roots or creating new ones with food. It's in our media, our social networks, lives, jobs etc...a true binder for many individuals. I recognize that, and I recognize it's also not for everyone.

It's just a part of me, but not all of me.

Proof that I have been creating:
(recipes to come later)

Homemade Cinnamon Raisin Bread

Kapusta- an old Russian/Polish Fave

Crunchy Tofu with Yellow Curry

Fava Beans, Spinach and Porcini Sage Butter

Crustless spinach, mushroom, basil and tomato quiche

Mango Mango Mango

2009-06-28T22:12:00.000-07:00

When I was just a wee babe in San Francisco, i had the pleasure of dining out for Thai on Haight Street at Siam Lotus for dinner one night. Little did I know, this mango loving experience would set a precedent for all Thai outings afterwar.

Allow me to introduce to you, my mango thai shrimp soba noodle delight:

This recipe really is simple. It includes green tea soba noodles, chopped mango, scallions, crushed garlic and shrimp. Basically, just cook the noodles according to package, and saute the other ingredients in a pan with some olive oil and crushed red pepper if you want kick. Throw it on top of the noodles, and eat!

Monday Monday

2009-04-27T11:51:00.000-07:00

The weekend goes by all too quickly. My allergies have been at an all time high and I woke up in the middle of the night sans pants with the Spartan's old man hat next to me. Did I do a striking rendition of "You Can Leave Your Hat On" and not remember it? I think it's time to put down the wine for a bit...

I feel a tiny bit of sickness creeping in, but I'm hoping it's just allergies. I'd like to stay in this week and just sleep and eat healthy food. It's time for another detox I think.

I've got my new hair in full effect but no new pant size. Meh. I envisioned the day I went all crazy color cool with the hair I'd be able to wear some of my skinny jeans too, so that bums me out.

I subscribe to Self magazine's email newsletter and they usually have great recipes during the week. I think I'll make this one sometime soon.

Avocado-Mango Chicken

Ingredients

* 1/4 cup Worcestershire sauce
* 1 tablespoon soy sauce
* 2 teaspoons adobo sauce (from canned chipotle chiles)
* 2 limes
* 4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts (4 oz each)
* 1 large mango, coarsely chopped
* 1 tablespoon finely chopped cilantro
* 1 tablespoon finely chopped onion
* 2 tablespoons sea salt
* 4 white-corn tortillas

Preparation

Mix Worcestershire, soy and adobo sauces with juice from 1 of the limes in a bowl. Place chicken in a sealable plastic bag and pour in marinade. Refrigerate 30 minutes. Heat oven to 350 degrees. Combine mango, avocado, cilantro, onion, salt and juice from remaining lime in a bowl, then refrigerate. Transfer chicken and marinade to a baking dish and cook until tender and no longer pink, approximately 20 minutes. Remove chicken from oven, place each breast on a plate and top with 1/4 of salsa. Serve with 1 tortilla each.

Mango mango mango. Mmm.

The babbling of bacon

2009-04-24T10:53:00.000-07:00

I've been making turkey bacon as of late, and I must say, I really don't love it. I now it's heart healthy and less fat, less sodium, and well, less bacon. It's dry, it makes me sad and I'm tempted to just eat the Morning Star veggie variety...but that doesn't go well with the cobb salad I made for lunch. Sometimes you have to take the sh*t with the sunshine I guess.

In other news, I've decided to give my hair a makeover this Saturday. It's been so long since I've been pampered, regarding the follicles that is. I think hair knows when it's about to go to the chopping board. It starts acting all cute and coy again and soft and falls just so. Oh, nevermind the past 8 weeks of tangles and flatness and downright homely vibe I've been giving off, this week my hair knows what's coming. It's like a significant other or a child who knows they are in trouble for something, and well, they better shape up fast or cover their tracks in hopes of not getting punished. Too bad for you my fine, lame friend. Your look is over.

I've been a redheaded heathen for years...years I say! It's become a part of me, my character, hell, even my burlesque name, Scarlett Fever. Tomorrow I'll be embarking on a journey back to myself with some not so natural highlights. Think, crayola red. I may end up looking like a pale goth girl, a wannabe hipster, or a runaway from the Donnas, but change is good. Then again, look how I felt about the bacon.

At least I'm not crazy enough to wear a bacon bra though. That's just nasty.

But I would still like to try Baconaise.

Ride 'em Cowboy

2009-04-23T14:27:00.000-07:00

Alright, so that sounds a little dirty, but who cares.
This post goes out to my salad buddies at Mixt Greens in SF. Sometimes they let me down, sometimes they give me a glorious afternoon culinary orgasm that makes me full til dinner. Today's was, the "Cowboy" salad.

How come when I make my salads, they never look like this? The Cowboy comes with: romaine hearts, herb marinated grilled chicken, roasted red peppers, black beans, sharp cheddar, red onion, point reyes blue cheese dressing with a chipotle honey drizzle--although I substitute the ranch for blue cheese...tummy no likey.

Being Earth Week and all, I figured I'd patronize the tasty and classy Mixt Greens for their "Eco-Gourmet" and organic wonder. It's not something I can do everyday though...a girl's got to budget.

In other news, I worked out this morning BEFORE work (I'll wait for you to pick up whatever you dropped or stop screaming and clapping)...

So I worked out this morning and it felt good. The hardest part is just getting out of bed. Allergies are a real buzz kill when you're up an hour earlier than you need to be (5am), so waking up at 6:15 wasn't easy. I pushed snooze til 630, got dressed in my sweaty finest and left the house. Pros of leaving earlier include less traffic to dodge and avoiding death on bicycle, more seats on BART, and less people at the gym! Who would've thought!?

I worked out for about an hour and indulged in a low carb breakfast burrito for my post workout protein meal. I'm tempted to go to yoga tonight, but that's just being crazy.

A protein sandwich

2009-04-22T20:11:00.000-07:00

I had to post this tonight, as I found so much joy in it. It was even funnier when the Spartan actually suggested it first. "Here, take a picture of my creation so you can make fun of me on your blog". How could I resist? May I introduce to you, the open faced protein sandwich:

It's not pretty, but the Spartan was proud. In light of my recent Atkins fail, he told me this was his version of an Atkins meal. It's simply two fake chicken breasts (Quorn again), avocado, bbq sauce and cheese. Truthfully, the bbq sauce makes it not so carb low, heh. I'd be happy using meat for buns any day. Now that just sounds filthy.

That is all.

Earth Day!

2009-04-22T14:33:00.000-07:00

Happy Earth Day, folks. I've been gone a few but I'm back, trying to regain momentum in the social networking/blogosphere.

I've started to get a little greener myself, and knowing my love for salads and lettuce, here's a quick little article from Epicurious.com showcasing a visual guide to salad greens. How puurrty.

It's not secret that I have a brown thumb. In fact, anything I try to grow usually dies within a month or so, no matter how easy or popular it is to grow. I've tried to grow herbs, I've tried to plant poppies, I've even tried to keep an already grown basil plant in my kitchen...and all seem to leave this world very soon. My latest adventure though? Tomato plants. A few planties and some sweet basil were brought to the backyard this weekend. We'll see how they are doing in this heat wave, and if my treasured tomatoes can actually come from the yard instead of Trader Joes from now on. How exciting!

Pretty Penne

2009-04-21T13:06:00.000-07:00

I know I've been holding out on you. I've been too busy enjoying the sunshine and dining out and drinking wine in various establishments (like my front porch or the park) to really cook. You know the old saying, if "it's too damn hot, get yo' ass out the kitchen". So I did.

I did, however, come up with a nice lower-in fat-dinner the other night. I decided to get off this crazy no carb wagon because it's just not realistic for someone like me. "Someone like me"...what does that really mean? It means that I like food, I like to cook, experiment, take joy in finding new recipes or ingredients and sharing them with people. Abstaining from carbs does not lead to any new and exciting adventures, unless you want to wallow in cheese and deli meats for the rest of your life.

I can't deny myself the basic nutrients in fruit or legumes and stare wistfully at a piece of bread or whole wheat pasta from afar. It just doesn't work. I fell off the wagon, and hit my head hard, so now it's back to just smart eating. I blame it all on the vegan red velvet cupcake I had at Mariposa Bakery a few weeks ago. Quick tip: It's an awesome gluten-free bakery right down the road from me with wonderful snacks and fresh baked treats. Highly recommended.

For some reason, I had an abundance of Quorn chicken tenders in the freezer, as pointed out to me by the Spartan. Well, I couldn't let that go to waste. I also had a bag of whole wheat penne I've been meaning to dive into as well. It's quick, cheap and easy. To some that may be an insult, to me it's dinner.

I cooked the pasta as directed and sauteed the Quorn in some garlic olive oil/crushed red pepper with some sliced shitake mushrooms. I then added a few chopped garlic cloves, a cup of white wine and a tablespoon of butter. I cooked the wine down about half way, added a cup of low sodium organic veggie stock and a tablespoon of flour to thicken. I threw in some frozen chopped spinach, the penne and some shredded parmesan cheese and instant deliciousness occurred. Not bad, not bad at all.

Not a carb on this plate...

2009-03-31T20:43:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been getting lazy lately, just steaming veggies and eating Trader Joes frozen chicken...or salads...or the occasional sushi cheat, but this no carb thing is pretty boring. I've reached the point where booze is more exciting than food (is that a bad thing?) and I'm totally over eggs. Totes.

Tonight, the Spartan and I had our bottle of zin on the porch, and of course, immediately after, I wanted a bowl of pasta or just godforsaken sandwich. But those were a no no.

I raided the fridge and found some veggies that needed to be eaten before they went bad, and you guessed it, more chicken strips. The Spartan had some quorn and I managed to saute some kale and spinach and...cauliflower mash. For me, cauliflower masquerading as potatoes is the best thing for me since...D batteries.

I boiled a bag of cauliflower in some broth, then drained it when soft. I added a tablespoon of cream cheese, a tablespoon of creme fraiche, a splash of cream, a tablespoon of butter and some salt and pepper. I used a hand blender and made heaven in a pot. I had seconds. And you know what? I didn't care. i got my veggies in for the day.

On the down low...carb

2009-03-23T21:20:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm almost on two weeks of no carbs...I say almost because I did have a few cheats, but I needed to slowly get ready for the carb free time in my life. And hey, I'm not perfect. I had a few almonds, I had some beer on St. Patrick's Day and a few pieces of bread while I drunkenly followed a waiter around for his free meatballs at a Yelp event. *gasp*

This week I'm starting again, along with the gym. Of course, as that special time of the month comes my way and cravings are out of control, I needed Italian food. And I needed it bad. I've managed to do without chocolate and sweets outside of sugar free Jello and whip cream, but when I want cheese and sauce and something naughty, do not get in my way.

Of course, the extra pounds around my waist loooove getting in my way, so I try to behave and make something delicious and satisfying and nutritious instead. I've been doing pretty well not having wheat in my diet. I have more energy, less stomach problems and I'm definitely not as bloated. That being said, what's a girl to do when she wants eggplant or chicken parmesan and can't have flour or bread crumbs? SOY!

I bought soy flour for the first time this weekend and used it as a substitute in my eggplant parm dinner today. I was pleasantly surprised. It allowed me to drink my wine, eat some hearty and healthy grub and get my cheese on after a 2 mile run at the gym. I earned it. It appeased the veggie man, who doesn't like eggplant by the way, and is good for gluten free folks.

Low Carb Eggplant Parmesan

Ingredients

1 large Italian eggplant
1 small onion chopped
1 cup mushrooms chopped (fresh or canned)
Kosher salt, pepper, garlic powder, dried Italian herbs
1 can crushed tomatoes (you can use the ones with seasoning or without)
1 clove garlic, peeled and minced
1/2 cup garlic olive oil (regular is just fine)
1/2 cup soy flour
2 eggs, beaten
1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese
1 cup grated Parmesan cheese

1. Cut eggplant lengthwise into 1/4 inch slices. Let them drain a bit on a paper towel.

2. Prepare tomato sauce. Saute onions, mushrooms and herbs to taste. Cook until onions are translucent. Combine tomatoes, garlic in the pan. Season with salt and pepper to taste and set aside.

3. When eggplant has dried, press down on it to remove excess water. In a shallow bowl, combine soy flour and a multitude of spices. I like to throw in salt, pepper, 21 seasoning salute from Trader Joe's, garlic powder, dried Italian seasoning and paprika, have fun with it. Mix well. Pour beaten eggs into another bowl. Place a skillet over medium heat, and pour in a a half inch of olive oil. When oil is shimmering, dredge the eggplant slices first in the flour mixture, then in the beaten egg. Working in batches, slide coated eggplant into hot oil and fry until golden brown on both sides, turning once. Drain on paper towels.

4. Preheat the oven to 375°F. In the bottom of a baking dish, spread 1 cup of tomato sauce. Top with one third of the eggplant slices. Top eggplant with half of the mozzarella slices. Sprinkle with one third of the Parmesan.

5. Make a second layer of eggplant slices if you have any left, topped by sauce, remaining mozzarella and Parmesan. I sprinkle some more herbs on top of the cheese.

6. Bake until cheese has melted and the top is slightly brown, about 25-30 minutes. Allow to rest at room temperature for about 10 minutes before serving. Serves 2.

Soups On...again

2009-03-16T08:02:00.000-07:00

The rains have hit us again for a bit, and I'm lookin' for a cure in the form of soup.

This time around it was cauliflower and kale with creme fraiche, totally veggie, and no potatoes this time around!

Low Carb Cauliflower and Kale Soup
2 teaspoons olive oil
1 tablespoon butter
1 leeks, cut into 1 inch pieces
1 large head cauliflower, chopped (I get a bag from Trader Joes)
1 shallot, chopped
1 clove garlic, finely chopped
2 cups vegetable broth
1 cup of chopped kale
salt and fresh ground black pepper to taste
1/3 cup heavy cream (optional-if you want it creamy)
1 dollop of Creme Fraiche

1. Heat the olive oil and butter in a large pot over medium heat, and saute the leeks and shallot for about 10 minutes. Toss in the garlic and add the kale and cauliflower, saute for about 5 more minutes. Stir in the vegetable broth, and bring the mixture to a boil. Reduce heat, cover, and simmer til cauliflower is nice and tender.

2. Remove the soup from heat. Blend the soup with an immersion blender or hand mixer. Season with salt and pepper. Mix in the heavy cream, creme fraiche and continue blending until smooth.

I usually serve it with another dollop of creme fraiche, because I'm decadent like that.

The Spaghetti Incident

2009-03-13T10:58:00.000-07:00

Don't ask, but for some reason that G&R album name is on the brain today. I think it's because I lugged a heavy spaghetti squash home in my book bag among other groceries from work last night. Now I'm researching ideas for recipes on the sucker.

The week is almost over, and I've pretty much succeeded (sans one bite of a tortilla, blasted!) in not eating any pasta, rice, bread or white starches. Sugar has been at an all time low and I just need to up my water drinking. I know vast amounts of chamomile tea and Crystal Light do not cut it. And thank god for Hansen's Diet Soda.

I don't think I've lost any weight, but I do feel a bit lighter and less bloated. I often wonder if it's really wheat that I have an allergy to. We'll see how this period pans out. I'm sure you're all very interested in what my digestive track has to say.

I was thinking a lot back to the time when I first did a low to no-carb diet. It was back in Los Angeles, probably around 2003 that my roommate and I decided enough was enough. I think we had planned to do it for about a month or so, just to see what happened. This also may have been the time of the "Colon Blow" experiment. (Shudder) If my memory serves me correct, I think we lasted an entire summer!

I have vague memories of fajitas wrapped in lettuce, lots of canned tuna, Slim Jims and deviled eggs. Oh, and whip cream and Jell-O. This reminds me I have to go out and get some sugar-free goodness later...there's always room for it.

It was a period in my life that was a blur. I was in my mid 20's and working a crap job, living the Hollywood life. This means, nothing was really important, my apartment was the center of my social universe and living and working among stripper shoe stores, head shops and tourists really had no affect on me. It was a tight budget lifestyle, so 99cent hot dogs and tuna for meals were not embarrassing or depressing for me. I honestly don't remember exactly how long I did it for, but I know I lost close to 20 pounds. I never noticed it until I had to fly home to CT for my grandmother's funeral in early Fall of that year.

It was so strange, being back amongst family and friends that always knew me to carry a little extra curve. I was never "fat", but I have cushion. When I arrived at the funeral home straight from the airport, I was greeted with a strange string of sentiments ranging from "I'm sorry, I'm sorry for your loss, but you look GREAT!" "We'll miss her too, but you uh, look fantastic". It must have been that fancy outfit from the Express that really highlighted my frame. The first time I saw my friend Mike, he commented right away that I had "lost a Backstreet Boy!" and that my ass was no longer visible. He jumped out of the car to make sure it was really me. Sure, I was also wearing my super thin roommate's "fat jeans" but they were skinny jeans to me!

I remember standing in my kitchen, my cousins in awe, my father asking me if I had been eating, and I said sure, just not a lot of carbs. As I said this, they were ordering many pizzas for the post-funeral gathering. I think that was the beginning of the end of the potential skinny me. That, and holiday season was right around the corner. I gave up on the no carb lifestyle and slowly but surely, the weight crept back up on me.

The entire time I was "thinner", I was still normal. I was probably a size 8 or on a good day, a 6. I also lived in skirts and flip flops, so that's not a really good judge. I look back at old photos, and sure my face isn't as round, but it wasn't shockingly apparent I had starved myself or subsisted entirely on coffee grounds and pickles. I just remember a lightness about me, more mental than mid-section really, and it felt better. I had more confidence. I wanted to go out, rather than having to mentally force myself out of the house for a night of self-judgment and pain.

One night, I had met someone I had gone out with once before, probably about 4 months prior. Even he noticed I had "disappeared" a bit, literally and physically. It didn't really phase me, and neither did the date, lol.

I'm not sure how long I'll do this to myself, but I know opinions and criticism people have about Atkins or low carb lifestyles. I'm under NO illusion that I'll be this way forever. There will be Italian food and sushi and pancakes in my life once more, but not for the time being. Perhaps pastas in the future will be a side dish for me, and no longer a main meal for example. I won't spend my afternoons snacking or planning my next deep dish pizza run.

I don't plan on hiking up my fat count or cholesterol levels either. I know low-carb means high-fat and high-meat to some, but I'm eating lots of veggies, salads, turkey (no red meat) and lean fish. I drink water and green tea throughout the day and I take vitamins. I won't end up looking like or smelling like a Slim Jim, don't worry. I also live with a vegetarian, so I will be making more meals that are friendly to the both of us.

It's a little sad to me, the long road ahead. I start and stop so many times with diets. Generally, I'm a healthy person, I just like to cook, and I like to eat. I like to watch food, learn about food, share it with people, make it for people, compare it etc...so you might say I'm a little obsessed, but that's what makes me who I am. I can't just shut the door on throngs of people who want a meatball grinder or lunch at a sushi buffet. I just don't have to say yes every time.

Day 1 Down

2009-03-09T19:31:00.000-07:00

I guess typing keeps me from eating, so that's a good thing.

I gave in and had some wine tonight--only a few carbs--but I guess I'm doing more of a limited carb than no carb regiment. I wanted something sweet, and instead of going for the chocolate mochi or apple sauce, I opted for booze. It's gonna take time.

Today was somewhat successful.
Breakfast: Morning Star Veggie Sausage patty, green tea, 2 egg omelette with scallions. About 4 carbs
Snack: Hard boiled egg, vanilla almond tea
Lunch: my chili con cranky with half an avocado About 6 carbs
Dinner: I snacked on some tuna I made for the week, 1 asian marinated chicken breast from Trader Joes, one small yellow squash sliced, mushrooms and baby broccoli. 8 carbs

I don't think I drank 64oz of water, more like 30 if I'm lucky, so I have to work on that.

I did, however, find this great low carb fun breakfast idea on Slashfood. I'm totally going to make these little mini quiche like goodies.

Chili con Cranky

2009-03-09T12:09:00.000-07:00

Well, day one has commenced on the low carb wagon. I'm only mildly cranky. I'm sure today I wasn't supposed to eat a Morning Star veggie patty, or some sugar free cocoa, but hey, it's a start. I made some bean-free chili last night (and boy was the boy happy!), in hopes it would last me through a few days lunches and not make me feel sad and forlorn for missing out on beans. It's always hard to find ingredients without hidden sugars, or ones that taste relatively close to your favorite meal. I think this chili recipe makes a mean comfort meal on these windy SF days and it's my inaugural lunch on my first day back at the job. It tastes better after having sit for a bit.

It's strange getting back to the old grind. Everything that's old is new again, sort of. The alarm going off insanely early...only this time, a doggie snore follows it. We have a new tempurpedic mattress that makes it oh-so-hard to leave the bed. It literally hugs my ass in a sweet slumber.

Back to getting ready to face the cold and bike to BART, huddled amidst the throngs of other commuters--which feels doubled since the economy took a crap. The peaceful camaraderie yet isolation of a ride in a cramped train. Monday morning malaise and I'm excited to graze and get a pay check again. Now if only I can stop hacking up a lung and get this sickness over with.

It may not be a "new" job, but something has to be said about not having to replug oneself back into a cubicle city or icy cold office with strangers. My previous job had the robotic cacophony of clacking fingernails, keyboards and printers buzzing. Yet not one word, and barely any conversations could be heard. Here, familiar faces, old patterns, old office, new desk and my green teas still in the cupboard make for a good welcome.

Now back to the chili...it's really up to your individual taste or level of spice on this one, but it's got less than 10 carbs, so whoopieee!

Chili Con Cranky

1 lb ground turkey (or beef, but turkey is leaner)
1 small onion chopped
1 can of mushrooms chopped or a cup of fresh chopped
1 can of Rotel diced tomatoes with peppers (or just tomatoes)
1 can of diced jalapenos
2-3 small peppers of your choosing. I opted for the combo of green bell and mild chilis
1 can of tomato paste (6oz)
1 clove of garlic
1 tbs of olive oil
Hot sauce to your taste
Red chili flakes to taste
1 tbs of chili pepper
1 tbs of paprika
1 tsp of oregano
1 tbs of garlic powder
salt, pepper to taste

1. Sautee the ground turkey in olive oil and red pepper flakes for a bit. Add a bit of salt and pepper.
2. I like to sautee the onions, peppers, and mushrooms together til the onions are transulcent. Toss them in with the turkey when done.
3. Add the garlic, sautee for about 2-3 minutes.
4. Empty the tomatos, peppers, and paste into the mix. Stir well.
5. Add your spices, and let simmer for about half on hour on low to medium heat. I usually play with the spice levels, add more hot sauce etc... You can also add the tomato paste one tbs at a time, if you think it may be too sweet to your preference. Find the right balance of salty, sweet and spicy and voila! Comfort in a bowl.

When the Moon Hits Your Eye

2009-03-09T10:49:00.000-07:00

Well, even though I am embarking on a lower carb lifestyle, I still had some leftover banned items in my fridge to work with this weekend. Of course, one thing folks miss the most when doing a no carb regiment is the dearly beloved pizza. I found a healthier option with Trader Joes ingredients and it was just as tasty, just as satisfying and chock full of veggies.

What you can do is take a whole wheat pita, layer some low fat goat cheese or mozzerella if you will, add some sun dried tomatoes (the oil in them helps moisten the crust) and pile on veggies. In my case, I used yellow peppers, onions, mushrooms and fresh basil.

The Wagon

2009-03-06T18:16:00.000-08:00

I need to get back on the Wagon. The chuck wagon, the Volkswagen...whatever wagon, I need to pull up a front seat and get with the program. And hope the horse doesn't fart in my general direction. Actually, I need to get with several programs. I need a life syllabus. You see, I've found that with no schedule, no routine, no rules, I sort of... suck.

Don't get me wrong, being unemployed, free to roam, walk the dog, peruse the want ads, make cakes at 2pm or sushi at 3pm are all coveted joys that I took advantage of whole heartedly. I skipped through rain puddles in dog parks, I enjoyed lap top coffees at noon and took several day trips which wouldn't have been possible had I been shackled to a desk.

I also made many trips to the grocery store and not enough to the gym. Not being gainfully employed made me gain, oh ten pounds. I look at the scale today and think "Dear God, what is that that THING?". Oh, it's just me, and me, and oh yeah, more of me oozing over that back bra strap. Sexy. How did it happen, I ask myself. And then I remember, I haven't worn yoga pants for four months straight because I'm athletically fashionable, I had just given up.

One would think that with all the time off in the world I would hit up the cardio machines or treadmill more often. This time around, that didn't happen. I am no longer 20 something, hyped up on caffeine and content with a brownie or can of tuna for a meal. Those days it was easier to sustain some sort of sick momentum because that was just what life was in Los Angeles all those years ago. Fortunately, it was that momentum made me move to SF.

I'm older now, I have more to lose, more to gain apparently and more on my mind.

The good news is, I have a job now. I start on Monday. I'll be back at a previous job, a familiar job, but it's good. I will have to wake up every morning at a given time and be out that door again. I have a gym across the street from work and a new Yoga studio opened up about a mile from me on March 1. These are signs. Signs I need to get back to my old happy self and stop lashing out in the mirror or at others because of my own insecurity.

These are days of vicious cycles, where I won't write, or cook things I like or walk a little faster because something inside me won't let me. I don't know what it is, or what can make it go away, but I know simply broadcasting it won't do anything. It's ME that has to DO something. And so, for the millionth time in my life, a do over. Game on, game off. Game back on. No booze for a while, no carbs, gym and maybe yoga on the weekends.

I'll try to write more, and be more real. I had originally started this saccharine consumery-calorie-counting-cooking blog coming right from the world of online marketing. I think I let it seep into my brain. I realize I don't write when I am too happy, and I certainly learned my lesson to not write when I am too UNhappy. Maybe that's not the best route to take, but ce la vie. This time it's just me. It's just me my pants and I.

Undercover Taters

2009-01-05T21:47:00.001-08:00

I love it when I can trick myself into thinking I'm eating a bowl of mashed potatoes when I'm not. I love the creaminess of a good melted gruyere chunk and the sound of simmering on a rainy, gloomy day in Oakland.

As I sit here sipping a wonderful, inky 2003 Syrah on the couch, my lips are still smacking from the yummy One-Potato Cauliflower Leek soup I made for dinner. I was about to have a third bowl, but thought otherwise as I danced around the kitchen with my spoon.

I walked all over Emeryville today, depositing my unemployment check, running errands and heading to Trader Joes with Mr. Brimley. He behaved for the most part, but hates being left behind. I ran in and got all my veggies, beets and goat cheese for the pre-dinner salad, the gruyere, cauliflower etc... The idea of that warm bowl of goodness tonight kept my walking in the rain for about an hour towards home this afternoon.

I was not disappointed. It's got a little less carbs than your usual potato leek, and you can always opt out of the heavy cream and cheese. But where is the fun in that?

One Potato Cauliflower Leek Soup

1 head of cauliflower
1 potato, cut into chunks
1 leek chopped
2 cloves of garlic, chopped
1/2 of a medium onion, chopped
3 1/2 cups of veggie stock
2 tbsp butter
1/4 cup of heavy cream
1 tsp thyme
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tbsp of shredded gruyere
salt, pepper to taste

1. In large pot, melt the butter. Cook onions, leeks and potatoes on medium high heat until onions are translucent, about 5-7 minutes. Don't let them brown.

2. Add thyme, garlic and cauliflower, stir, then add veggie stock.

3. Bring to boil, then lower to a simmer and cook for 30 minutes or until cauliflower and potato are tender.

4. Remove from heat, and blend with an immersion blender.

5. Add cheese and stir in the heavy cream.

Serve immediately with a garnish of parsley and a little more gruyere ;-)

Spicy Sunday

2009-01-04T18:39:00.000-08:00

As I round out the first week of the new year, I've made my mind up to eat more salad and vegetables and get fiber from something other than that evil thing known as bread. No matter how farty or bloated they shall make me feel. I'm confident in the Spartan that magical fruits will be welcomed into the home.

I decided to start off the year with some spicy black bean burgers. There are many variations of these things, I've made some with walnuts and mushrooms, I've had some with cornmeal, I've even dipped them in flour and fried 'em up good. Since I'm trying to remain on the straight and healthy, i opted for this recipe. I found a great song and act for my next burlesque routine that if I really want to accomplish with confidence, I better start narrowing my waist and expanding my healthy eating options!

Southwestern Spicy Black Bean Burgers

Ingredients
1 can of organic black beans, rinsed and drained
1/4 cup Japanese-style Panko breadcrumbs
1 egg, beaten
1 tablespoon salsa fresca
1/2 can (2 oz) of diced green chiles
1 green onion, minced
1 garlic clove, minced
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1 teaspoon dried chipotle seasoning
2 tablespoons cilantro
1 teaspoon coarse salt
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
Crushed red pepper (to taste)

Place the black beans in a bowl and mash them with a potato masher, leaving some beans in tact.

Add the salsa, chiles, Panko, egg, green onions, spices, red pepper flakes and mix with a fork.

I put the mixture in the fridge for about 15 minutes to let it solidify. I then took it out and formed the beans into small patties. I put them back in the fridge for another 15 minutes. Play with the amount of Panko if your patties aren't staying a patty, heh.

When it's time to cook them, throw a dash of salt and pepper on them. I used a regular frying pan with some non-stick spray to cook in.

Cook for about four minutes on first side or until browned. Flip them over and cook on the other side for another 4-5 minutes.

I served mine with a Spanish style rice on top of a bed of greens. Yum!

Sweet Sweet Resolution

2009-01-03T20:20:00.000-08:00

This new year, I resolve to turn my brown thumb green and learn to bake without burning down the house or creating cookies that taste like cardboard. My first task was to make some brownies for a party I was going to on New Years Eve.

I cheated and bought one box of brownie mix, but I decided to test out a second batch, on my own with various odds and ends from other online recipes. I found this blend below to be worthy of trying.

Needless to say, I felt the need for a gigantic glass of milk after first bite. I was also receiving texts from my friends the next day who were devouring the leftovers. You didn't think I'd take them home with me, did you? That's against the all mighty "lose weight" resolution I always make ;-) Ok, I did take one home...

Homemade Peanut Butter Cup Brownies

1 cup baking chocolate chips
2 tbs Hershey's chocolate syrup (not necessary, but I like the added chocolate)
1/4 c. butter
2 c. Bisquick (or any other) pancake mix
1 (14 oz.) can condensed milk
1 egg, beaten
1 c. chopped up Reeces Peanut Butter Cups

In large saucepan over low heat, melt 1 cup chips and butter together. Stir occasionally. I kept it on low heat while I mixed the other ingredients. In a bowl, mix the Bisquick, condensed milk and egg well. Stir in the melted chocolate/syrup. Spray a 9x13 inch pan with non-stick spray or grease well. I find these brownies to be very cake like and they rise pretty high, so you could also split the batch if you like thinner brownies.

Pour in brownies. Place the peanut butter cups on top and press in slightly with hands. The more you put in, the more peanut butter goodness you'll get! Bake 20 to 25 minutes at 350 degrees, or until you can stick a toothpick in with it coming out clean.

You can also alter this recipe to make brownie like cupcakes, and just stick an entire peanut butter cup in the middle :)

Who You Callin' Yellow?

2008-12-29T19:16:00.000-08:00

Ah yes, curry. Tim Curry? Adrianne Curry? No. Just Trader Joe's Yellow Curry. And how I love thee.

I'm always at a loss with curry. I made my own red curry once in a Thai cooking class back in L.A., but managed to never quite recreate it without being under supervision. I've bought the cans of green and red curry from your various local Thai or Asian markets, and I've almost burned the lips off my boyfriend and given myself an asthma attack while swallowing the mixture. Measurements aren't my strong suit, shall we say?

I've stayed away from pre-made sauces at grocery stores and even TJ's because I'm a firm believer that I just like what I make better. With curry though, I needed a helping hand.

This sauce is perfect. Just the right amount of spice, great consistency and a whole bottle makes a meal for two people. I decided to throw in some vegetables and tofu on top of some coconut rice. It took me about half an hour. I suggest you try it sometime!

Yellow Curry and Vegetables

1 bottle Trader Joe's Thai Yellow Curry Sauce
2 tbs olive oil (I used garlic flavored)
1 small green pepper, sliced
1 medium sized onion chopped
1 block of firm tofu cut into cubes
1-2 cloves of garlic, chopped
1 cup of mushrooms (fresh or canned) chopped
1 small potato, cut into cubes

Heat the oil in a pan. Throw in the tofu and potatoes to cook for a bit with the onions, about 5 minutes. Add the peppers and the mushrooms. You can add salt and pepper to taste, but I find the sauce to be enough.

When the veggies have turned a bit translucent, throw in the garlic and the curry sauce. Simmer the mixture on low to medium heat for about 15-20 minutes. I usually just play it by ear to see if the potatoes are tender enough.

For the coconut rice:

For one cup of rice, I use one can of coconut milk if it yields 2 cups. If not, I add water to make up the difference. Add about a tsp of butter, some salt and pepper. Bring to a boil and then simmer on low for about 20 minutes, keeping an eye on the rice. Fluff with fork and then serve. (You can also just use a rice cooker).

Serve the sauce on top of the rice and eat!

Chicken Pot Pie and I Don't Care

2008-12-28T18:21:00.000-08:00

I can't believe 2008 is almost over. In some ways, it's refreshing. The tail end of the year always ends up being either extremely stressful or hectic, yet this time around, it was a bit of the opposite.

I'm approaching my two month anniversary of being jobless, and while in the beginning it was exciting, the free time, the lap of leisure dog who sits next to me, the day trips to farmers markets or wineries...it all starts to make me feel inevitably guilty. I know I should enjoy this time, do what i want to do, attempt what I always wished I could accomplish if I only weren't shackled to a desk from 9-5.

That being said, I have knitted up a storm, made jewelry, gave homemade candy as gifts and have been oh-so-crafty as hell around the house. I've done some fixer upper jobs, painted our interior door, even some gardening! I've reigned in my domestic goddess, and frankly, even she's bored. There are only so many episodes of House I can watch now and recipes with potatoes I can eat before my inner goddess starts to take up space in my wardrobe too--leaving none for me. I've made pumpkin raisin bread, peanut butter kiss cookies and melted candy. The madness should stop now that the holidays are wrapping up.

I haven't been going to the gym as much, which is disappointing. I joined the gym (again) to cut costs from a previous membership. I also envisioned I'd be a size 6 by January, seeing as that, gee, there's nothing else for me to do during the day but crunches and miles, right? Riiiight. We know how that story ends when someone is passing you spiced egg nog, peanut butter cookies or Forest Friends in a Log at your door. Oh, don't laugh. That half eaten log is in my fridge right now, waiting for you to just eat a slice. I saved it just for this occasion.

I'm tempted to go into the "no photo" phase for the month until I get my act together and lose the few pounds that I've put on. I become worse than Sean Penn with photographers when I'm not feeling my best. I haven't felt the need to "shake a tail feather" or even do any burlesque these past two months either. The idea of shaking a tassel or doing a shimmy would make me feel as if the stage were a Richter scale and therefore, very upset with me. Don't get me wrong, I could rock the hell out of a routine to Queen's Fat Bottomed Girls, but I just don't want the bottom to fall out if you know what I mean.

I do owe my little bearded man, Brimley, some kudos for getting me off the couch and out of the house at least an hour a day. We go for 1-2 mile walks throughout the day and while dodging traffic and shady characters make for riveting game of urban Frogger, it's not the most pleasant. I guess it has kept me from gaining too much weight though.

To be honest, I think I've been trying to overcompensate for not being around family or friends (old and new) this holiday. In the past, I grew up in the house that everyone went to for holidays. We had the big tree, the most presents and the best food splayed out before family members for a good three days in a row. I loved it. Even on Christmas as the day came to an end, my friends and I would go out for the night.

As I grew older and moved away, holidays were always either spent in air travel hell or trying to cram as much in as possible in a short length of time across the miles. The past three years I haven't been home. I've been "home"...here, which is nice, but sometimes not as satisfying while you read online updates of people gorging themselves on prime rib, going to movies with a pack of cousins, spending the day with rosy cheeks from wine with fellow orphans and a veritable buffet that would put Whole Foods to shame. And while you're doing this, you're waiting for your frozen pizza to cook in the oven.

This past Christmas and Christmas Eve was very low key. While the Spartan works retail, we have a built in excuse to not go anywhere, or do anything that requires a big production. Sometimes that's nice, when the rest of the world is spinning around you. Yet when you're jobless, the only things really spinning are the wheels in your head when you realize you can't make that big dinner for friends. You can't afford to buy your honey all the toys and gifts they want or bedazzle yourself for a night out. I gave myself my own pedicure and manicure this year and my Christmas outfit consisted of stretchy pants and a new clearance shirt from the Gap. At least I was comfortable and warm!

I know I think too much and I have much to be thankful for. I didn't fight the throngs of psycho shoppers, I didn't travel and lose my luggage or get stuck in middle America due to a blizzard. (But you know how I love airports) I was able to entertain at least one good friend on Christmas Eve and gave away cookies to the neighbors. Christmas Day was nothing but a beautiful walk with the dog and an Indian buffet. Chinese food was an option, but I couldn't be that cliche ;-)

I wouldn't end the post without at least the one recipe of the meal that really did make my Christmas Eve night. Chicken Pot Pie. When the rain is falling, and everyone you know is out of town and the radio station won't play anything but Dean Martin toasting the holidays, pot pie makes everything better. An individual pot pie made from scratch is the best.

I made a very simple chicken broth to cook a pound of chicken thighs in, added my sauteed vegetables to some condensed cream of chicken soup and used a pastry puff sheet as the topping to oven safe crocks. My recipe is a blend of a few online recipes and a wonderful, though more involved recipe from Tyler Florence. I cut down the ingredients and made it faster! Here's my edited version:

Individual Chicken Pot Pies

Chicken Broth:
1 tbs garlic olive oil
4 chicken thighs (skinless and boneless)
2 cups cool water
1 chicken bouillon
1 carrot, cut into circles
1 onion, halved
1 head garlic, halved horizontally
1 bay leaf

Pot Pie:
2 tbs butter
1 can of condensed cream of chicken soup
Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 carrot, cut in 1/2-inch circles
1 potato, cut into bite sized chunks
1/2 bag frozen peas
1/2 package of button mushrooms
1/2 an onion chopped

2 frozen puff pastry sheets, thawed
1 egg mixed with 3 tablespoons water
1/4 cup shredded Parmigiano-Reggiano

Directions
Put the chicken in a pot with heated olive oil and just brown them a bit. After they've cooked a little bit, cover the chicken with water. Add the bouillon and vegetables and herbs and bring the pot up to a boil over medium-high heat. Cook the chicken for about 15 minutes more. Remove the chicken to a platter to cool. When the chicken is cool enough to handle, shred the meat. Reserve some of the chicken broth.

Wipe out the stockpot and put it back on the stove top over medium heat. Melt the butter and add in the onions, mushrooms, carrots, peas and potato. Season with salt and pepper and saute until the onions are translucent. Fold in the shredded chicken, condensed soup and a few tablespoons of the reserve broth. Cook for a little bit to let all the flavors meld.

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Lay the thawed puff pastry sheets on a lightly floured, cool surface. Invert individual crocks on the pastry sheet and, using a sharp knife, cut circles around the outside of the bowls, slightly larger than the bowl itself. Fill the crocks 3/4 of the way with the chicken mixture, making sure each serving has a nice amount of chicken, vegetables, and soup. Carefully cap each crock with a pastry circle, pressing the dough around the rim to form a seal. Lightly beat the egg with 3 tablespoons of water to make an egg wash and brush some on the pastry. Sprinkle the pastry with the Parmigiano. Set the crocks on a cookie sheet and transfer to the oven. Bake for 20 minutes, until puffed and golden.

*If you want to make a vegetarian version as well (which I did), substitute the broth for veggie broth, use fake chicken tenders and condensed cream of mushroom soup. Tastes just as good!

From www.foodnetwork.com

2008-12-16T19:24:00.000-08:00

I have pretty much been home bound for the past week or so. I'm not sure if you know, but we have a new addition to the household, Brimley. He's a Brussels Griffon puppy (almost two) and a very lovable, very attached to his owner kind of guy. That being said, I've made the most of my budget conscious life stlye and haven't gone out a lot. I've been cooking up most of my cravings at home, and while sometimes I can't afford to go all out or have the exact dish in mind, I can improvise.

While at the Ferry Building in San Francisco the other day, I was walking through the hallowed hall and stopped as I usually do at the mushroom stand Far West Fungi. I love the mushrooms I see laid before me, but they are usually too expensive and not in my budget these days--that was until I saw a delectable lil crate of chanterelles for $5. How could I resist?

Of course at that moment I wanted to go stroll down to Acme Bread and Cowgirl Creamery to douse myself in some fromage and dutch crunch bread to dip in olive oil. I wanted to go buy some great semillon to toss up in a sauce with them. Or perhaps a creamy sauce, with all the fixins and some spinach fettuccine...doesn't that sound nice?

It did. Until my wallet said otherwise. I managed to trek back home with only my 'shrooms and decided to raid the cupboards. There's got to be more than ramen and Anderson's pea soup in there, even though that's all that stares back at me while I'm drooling for lunch.

I managed to dig out some brown rice spaghetti (don't knock it til you try it). I cooked that up in some garlic olive oil laden water with some broth and let it sit. While it was boiling, I sauteed the mushrooms in some olive oil and butter. Butter just makes life...better.

I tossed in some crushed garlic and let it saute til the water started to evaporate. I then added about a cup of vegetable broth, a 1/4 cup of water with some corn starch in it and made your usual brown mushroom sauce. I also added a pinch of dried thyme, some salt and pepper to taste and maybe a teeny dash of sage. I still have some lingering feelings for Thanksgiving...is it obvious?

When it was ready, I tossed the still warm pasta with some freshly chopped scallions, a pinch of salt and some shredded Parmesan cheese. A dollop of the chanterelle mushroom sauce, and voila! It may not be your 5 star creamy wine dream, but it was my anti-wine dinner.

Easy like Sunday Morning Lemon Cookies

2008-11-30T18:32:00.000-08:00

Have I mentioned before that I am not the best baker? In fact, I'm not even a good baker. Give me a recipe and I'd probably like to exchange it for a box of pre-made goodness. I can, however, cook up a mean Betty Crocker cake.

I had the pleasure of engaging in a great recipe exchange in the past few weeks. One of the take away gems (and free gems, may I add) was this wonderful recipe for lemon pudding cookies. Did somebody say puddin'? Why yes, yes I did.

Tis the season for cookie exchanges, I am fully aware of this. And while I haven't taken part in any, I've brought this batch to dinner parties or just gobbled them up myself. It's the first batch of cookies I've made that aren't brown hockey pucks, burnt to a crisp, oddly shaped and strangely reminiscent of pancreatic shapes and edible. Enjoy!

Easy Lemon Pudding Cookies

1 Cup Bisquick Original Baking Mix (or whatever dried instant pancake mix you have)
1 package (4 serving size) Jello-o Lemon flavored Instant Pudding and Pie Filling
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger (optional, I never use it)
1 egg, lightly beaten
1/4 Cup Vegetable Oil
Sugar (for tops of cookies)
3 squares premium white baking chocolate or chunks, melted (a MUST)

HEAT oven to 350 degrees

STIR baking mix, pudding mix, and ginger in medium bowl. Mix in egg and oil until well blended. (Mixture will be stiff) With hands, roll dough into one inch diameter balls. Place balls 2 inches apart on lightly greased cookie sheet. Dip a flat bottomed glass in sugar. Press glass onto each dough ball and flatten to 1/4 inch thick cookie. The cookies MAY stick though, so what I did was spray the glass bottom with Pam every time instead I went to smoosh the cookie and just sprinkled some sugar on top when it was semi-flat. You don't want them to be too thin.

BAKE 8-10 minutes or until edges are slightly golden brown. Immediately remove from cookie sheets. Cool on wire rack or a plate.Drizzle-ok, smear the cookies with melted white chocolate.

HOW TO MELT CHOCOLATE:
I just used a stove top safe mixing bowl filled with white chocolate baking chunks and placed it over a small pot of boiling water for a bit, stirring the chocolate until it melted. A makeshift double boiler, if you will. Then I kept it at a low heat so it wouldn't harden while I waited to smother the cookies with it.

A 4 Burner Meal

2008-11-23T21:29:00.000-08:00

This is what my stove looked like around 6pm tonight. I must say, I'm proud of myself. Since I'm no longer receiving a steady paycheck these days, my little Sunday morning trip to the Farmer's Market is also on a budget. Rather than spend my money on a latte, some frivolous fruit or expensive cheeses or jams, I've limited myself to the winter array of veggies that are available to me and only what I'll need for dinner that night.

Maybe I'm getting exciting for Thanksgiving, maybe it's just the newly arrived chill in the air, but I love to spend Sundays cooking down home comfort meals. (Remind me to post about the heavenly lemon white chocolate cookies I made earlier this morning--simply devilish and divine.) I am happiest when the house is warm, the aromas of a good meal being cooked for someone you care about are wafting through the house, and maybe even the ocassional candle is lit or kitchen play list humming in the background as my soundtrack helps me dance around the stove.

Today's purchase entailed some sweet potatoes, turnips, a head of romanesco, which is pretty funky if you've never seen one before and some fresh organic carrots..stems included! Romanesco is a blend of broccoli and cauliflower, yet does not have the distressing "broccofarto" effect some veggies have on me, and it is not as pungent. Its florets resemble tiny Christmas trees, and they taste best simply steamed. In my meal, I had steamed some as a side dish, but also made my own leek, garlic and sage butter to drizzle on top. Don't tell me that doesn't say fall to you!

Tis the season (and week) for sweet potatoes. Since I'm not sure what we're doing for Turkey Day, and the Spartan, well, he really doesn't eat turkey, I wanted a little pre-festive meal for the holiday. And who can say no to any potato? I peeled, cut and washed the turnips and sweet potatoes and boiled them. I was setting the stage for a yummy mash. Warning though, if you really don't like turnips...I don't suggest blending them in. Unfortunately the Spartan left a major orange blob on his plate because the turnip taters did not please his palate. You win some, you lose some :( I had mashed them by hand with a pat of butter, some salt, pepper, pinch of nutmeg and a dollop of greek yogurt for creaminess. You can use cream or milk.

I also made my own mushroom gravy for the side and a suitable protein for the both of us--this time around, savory mushroom meatballs from Whole Foods. These little guys are no match for my turkey and pork meatballs, but they are pretty good, and went quite well with my gravy.

For the gravy:

1/4 cup finely chopped onion
2 cloves of garlic, chopped
1/2 cup mushrooms chopped
2 tbs unsalted butter
1 tbs olive oil
1 1/2 cup of veggie broth
2 tbs tamari or light soy sauce
1-2 tbs corn starch
ground pepper to taste

Melt the butter and olive oil in a sauce pan. Sautee the onion and mushrooms. Once the onions are translucent, add the chopped garlic. Stir in 1 tbs of the corn starch--it will be very pasty. Stir in the veggie broth and soy sauce and continue to stir, until you reach a desired consistency at a medium heat. I usually play around with the corn starch until I find my right thickness. Sprinkle with some fresh ground pepper to taste.